I am not your punching bag

I often tell people I don’t judge them, and I can ignore bad behavior. Typically I will ignore someone until they have come to their senses and when they decide to stop being a complete horse’s ass.

But why should I even do that?

After all, I understand one fundamental thing about how they act; it has nothing to do with me. However, when is the point that you decide to stop being the punching bag for your friends or partners?

It seems to be always following me: people who need a friend who listens and doesn’t judge, a friend who will always forgive them, or even a partner who expects to be forgiven all the time.

I want to clarify I am not perfect either.

Yet it is something that I have noticed that keeps popping up in my life, whether it is me being there for a friend who seems to push everyone away, a lover who appears to be noncommittal, or family who only wants you around because you chill them out.

In the past, I have been a little bit crazy, especially when I was younger. I did the pushing, was the noncommital lover, and wanted the solace of my family members who made me feel good.

So how has this all of a sudden reversed? Is it a test?

I was talking to a friend the other day, and today, I finally got what she was saying; I mean, intellectually, I already knew it, but I did not feel it in my body until I began to think about this topic and I am attracting those into my life who are a reflection of my past.

Those who need something from me, but I no longer attach their feelings to me. If someone wants a specific response from me, I will not give it, as it is them baiting me.

It has nothing to do with me; it is that person they want to make sure that it is not them. Unfortunately, it is usually them, as I am learning to detach from all things; one of the last attachments I must work through is how others feel about me or how I make others feel.

How I make someone feel, whether in person through my writings or videos, is not a reflection on me; I am simply triggering something inside of you that is causing the reaction.

Sara, the soul I have incarnated into as a human, has nothing to do with anyone else.

What is showing up in my life is simply a mirror to show what I still need to work on; it has nothing to do with that person. I think this is why I hate labels; so many people use labels.

If I label someone, it says more about me than it does about them. Usually, it shows fear; maybe I feel that way about myself, so I have to project it upon you so you do not get to label me since I did it first.

Also, a justification for how that person chooses to act. Nananana booboo I got you.

Then it’s like a game of tag: you’re turn, what do you get?

I have nothing; I decide to disengage and walk away. Of course, it is much easier said than done, as I am still working on this aspect. Writing help and talking to a friend who can see me for me helps.

I also do judge; moreover, you do not notice because I am not as blunt as most, and this, too, says more about me than you. I once told my friend to accept the judgy bitch side of herself; it was me talking to myself.

To say that I do not judge is as bad as labeling someone; I do judge, but why should you care if I have judged you?

It is a direct reflection of myself, which I need to work on within myself. Your job is to not attach to the feeling that you might feel, as I have to work on the feeling that I have and learn to detach.

Dang. That was a mouthful.

Back to the punching bag, even if you choose to stay in a relationship that leaves you as the friend who always sticks around, why?

What are you gaining from a relationship with someone who does not value themselves enough?

If you are their punching bag, they are beating themselves up, but as a projection onto you, causing many to think they(you) are the problem. You are not the problem; it is their projection, even if it is mean and hateful.

I don’t want to be around someone who feels that way about themselves, do you?

For many years, I beat myself up and thought everything was my fault, and now and again, these people come into my life to remind me that I once felt that way.

My ex sure came into my life to test me. I saw the signs, but let love blind me; life can be tricky like that.

With lots of therapy and work on me, I feel at a more calm place in my life; I now understand that how you treat me has everything to do with you, not me. I might provoke you just by being me.

I often trigger people, and after lots of therapy, I later realize it is not me you are angry at. It is not me that will stand by to be abused because you are unhappy.

It is not my fault you have trouble communicating; I have my issues and try not to project them onto others. Sometimes, I come off cold, I have noticed; however, many feel unattached as cold.

I will not attach my feelings to how you feel.

My ex used to tell me I was not as romantic and touchy-feely as him and used to contribute it to his Latin blood. I loved him with my heart and soul and expressed my love differently.

I did not need to grope him in public for him to understand my passion, but in the past, I was like him. If my boyfriend was not all over me, I felt unloved; it was an insecurity within myself that I have worked through and continue working on.

Awareness is the key, and paying attention to what triggers me and the people that show up in my life, what are they triggering inside of me?

Being here in Georgia is an excellent reflection of this; many people here are always angry. I have not let their anger change how my day is going, as they have been angry a lot longer than my 2-minute interaction of buying a coffee.

Detach and let go, a process that has been the hardest, especially when others think you are a cold and heartless bitch; I am not, but if you feel that way, look in the mirror.

As I continue to heal and work, I have come far from where I started, and I am eternally grateful to my younger self for doing the work, and I will continue.

As a child, I was not unloved; I was loved completely. I fear that if I love you, I will disappear. My last relationship helped me to learn to love again, and just because it ended doesn’t mean I did not know more about myself during the process.

Writing is my therapy; another day, another diary entry.

XOXO

S