I almost told the truth but where's the fun in that.

The validity of a lie makes it true. Just not your truth. True to the liar. Living in someonelses lie creates a warpped understanding of reality. Loved ones lie becase the hate what life would be without that understanding of the truth. Theives lies becasue the truth is too painful for thier weak minds. Politicians lie because thiers too much money on the floor and don't want it to be cleaned up by those who need it the most. At least thats what I've observed and wintnessed.

I'm greiving and some of my family members are aswell, but I swear to all that is sacred that the lies of their lives help hide it very well. Those who are open about it are still very distant and well, those who have upheld the I don't give a damn attitude are still in their camo, going strong. From the deepest parts of my lower intestine, they can stay where they are at this point. I have tried....even when they look me in my eyes repeat that shame and blame narrative to me. They got screwed too, but again...alie is the truth when know one wants to deliver the facts. My granny was the most amazing piece of work i have ever hated. She left a legacy of children to upold her tom foolery in their own right, way shape or form. I can say by least we all know God and to be fare she died winning soles for the lord as an Ordained elder, and by that she was covered by Gods grace...period.

I get that some people have the ability to move past death and well I just feel as those the remainig living family have killed me off in their head. It makes me feel unloved. My mother lies and acts so oblivious about the fact that I know that's who she had to be when my granny was alive but she can be free now.

I want her to know that. I remeber. That I wish she was more present, and had a better grip on life befpre she became a mom. I want her to know that she could have made different choices and I still love her regardless of the things that I had no power to help her change. I'd like for my mother to know that eventhough she was judged by my granny, and her siblings for whatever the fuck, she still could have and still can do more. Id like my mother to know she is not dead even if the happier parts of her died years and years ago.

Dear moma, you probably won't feel this and that's not the first time we'll be in disagreement. Life went on and i've learned that's the only direction life goes. Just forwarded. No back or side to side. I wish there was more love you could have shared. I wish there was a better life you could have been courageous to choose. I realize you couldn't forsee the lack of help you would receive. For that I will continue to choose me over these thoughts, and people. Just know, I wish you chose you too. Sorry and congratulations. I wish we could hug and not know that once it was over we would need another.

I'd like my mother to know that there were many years of my life she missed the oppurtunity to help grow her one and only daughter. No matter if she believed it was wrong or right for her mother to remove me from the home we were all living in. I was young and needed love immediately. I was a nine year old nurse. I was an eleven year old sister mom. I was an adolecent humping bag for family and friend of the family. I was eventually going to hit puberty and that's when I needed her the most. Along with alot of fucking therapy but dont worry that's a thriving market these days so i guess all is well. I don't fucking know. I'd like to say sorry for making anything you deem my fault hard you to deal with, but in my defense you had been 15 before and it was my first time...

I really dont have a reason to live even if its for lifes sake. I'd like to live to love. But my God that is the worst feeling I have yet to shake. What's worse is I have witnessed plenty reasons why she would have felt like she deserves a do over. I would like for my mother to know I tried my best to not be like her and still endured a revised version of her life. Highlights and low lights alike.

I pray my apology is enough but as a human I have learned that enough is never really enough. We remember the way things made us feel. Also some can just forget and some, like myself, simply can not. As I have grown cold and almost heartless I chip away at myself just so I can feel positive things again. Feel true joy and peace. From myself from strangers and people who I still try and love.

If I'm being real I'm extremely dark right now, but everyday ends in darkness. That's just facts. My inside voice has died a few times. I'm loud as all outside in my thirties. I have seen enough less then alot of people before and after me. I have some sort of understanding of how fucked earth is. My life will end before earth does but I promise I plan to be remembered before I go, even by those who pretend to forget me as we both live.