How Am I?

October brings out the best in me. I feel like I have to get things done just before we force ourselves to save all of that daylight, the leaves fall, and my students - once again - disappoint me with their midterm marks. It is also the first week after my birthday (now 51). I do not make much of a literal odd number like that, but I have something on my mind that needs to be handled.

My mother sent her card in to me (the only one I still receive that is not digital or a saved line on Facebook). The message was simple; the card was beautiful; the letter was revealing. Usually, she will wish me best wishes on a passing year with little drama...but this one was different.

'I get the feeling that you are very lonely.'

A short note, but she figured me out. Usually, my mother's letters are useful sources of non-information: the weather, the community, and the shopping get discussed. But this time, she was really responding to my last letter. And she could read between the lines.

This is hard. I can fight this battle on my own, but to bring my mother into the field is something that I am not prepared to do. I often tell myself that my being alone is not the same as loneliness. Most of you who have read my work know what I am all about: the books; the guitar; the long walks and runs at the park and track; the ceaseless writing that feels less like a chore than a true gift to myself. I have become the person I am because of the way I have chosen to live my life.

But as I said to myself as I contemplated writing this, I need to dig deep, and this is the time of the year when the best of what I can do comes out.

I do not really want a relationship. I have talked a little about my history with dating, but I have not shared the whole story. My dad was certainly a factor in my looking at other people as animals who needed to be kept at a distance. As I made my way through high school - dovetailing quite significantly with his death - I turned to food for comfort, not contact with other people. I was neither popular nor unpopular: I never had a girlfriend, but I had girls who were my friends; I joined the writing club, eventually becoming the president, but I was still shy about sharing my work with the public; in university, I went even further than I did in high school with my work, manner and habits; and then, Tokyo...

Ah, Japan... The land that made me who I became...I think. A lot of my life today was based on the life I led back there. I was independent, working multiple contracts, and sometimes spending so much time out of the house that the city of Tokyo felt like the back of my hand (I had sixteen-hour days at one point with all of my responsibilities). After three years of this, school and a life back in Canada seemed...smaller. It felt much more limited. And I was okay with that. I was not going to try dating again - a whole article could come out of that hidden story - and I was put into another treadmill of work.

But clearly, this is not enough.

I have suspicions about relationships, but I cannot ignore how important they are. My mother's lesson to me seems to be that old chestnut:

No man is an island.

There is a next stage here that I cannot complete with one article. Stay tuned for what comes next...

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You can find more poems, stories, and articles by Kendall Defoe on my Vocal profile. I complain, argue, provoke and create...just like everybody else.

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