Gone girl to Goth girl

The year was 2002, less than a year prior, my entire world was flipped upside down at the age of six years old. My parents were separating and I was moving to a new town with which will soon become my hometown- Wantagh, NY. I started the first grade in a new house, a new town and ultimately a new life with my mother and my sister. I will never forget the moment that i put my copy of "Let go" by Avril Lavigne into my walkman. The opening song Losing Grip plays and in that moment at merely seven years old, I felt a true connection to music. Within an hour of listening to this debut album, i was transcended. At a time where every other girl idolized pop stars like Britney Spears, I started to paint my nails black and wear all black clothes and high top converse. The song "Complicated" became the theme to my life. It was my go to karaoke song as a young girl. It's like i knew something beyond my years and it was my first outlet to express myself. Almost 22 years later, it still very much resonates in an all but similar way.

After what I went through the past 22 years since my first listen, a lot has changed yet somehow remains the same. The past 2 years alone have been a ride in itself. Losing myself, to finding myself and everything in between.. I mean EVERYTHING...

( 2002, 22 years, 2 years, 222 - these are my angel numbers)

As a child, I think the person who you are then remains the same throughout your life. It took me until this past year to realize this and embrace it. Looking back, I wish I never let the world make me think that I couldn't be my authentic self all along.....

Kids could be really mean, there is no denying that. I was bullied for many different reasons in elementary school. I always chose to suffer in silence, which is something that I took with me into adulthood. This may surprise people considering my tough exterior which ultimately boils down to years of fighting for my life in survival mode. My form of expression made me a target for bullies which ultimately, turned me into one myself.

One cold night in December 2023 I met my brother Anthony Puccio for a drink at a new spot in Wantagh called "The Snug". He needed a friend to sit with him, and the the year prior he most definitely sat through a lot with me. Anthony is someone who knew the real me back in my goth girl days and accepted me for who I was. In 2005 we had the most meaningful chats over AIM which was the start of our lifetime friendship. We still have these kind of chats about everything and he's honestly the only man in my life that I am capable of having such a beautiful bond with. I'd thank him for this here, but for almost 20 years- especially with a little alcohol in my system I continue to remind him of this through tears. Back to December, here we are in this little bar drinking espresso martinis and discussing life and shooting the shit. I mention to him that I started writing this piece and how difficult it was for me to finish (clearly). Shortly after, there was a girl at the bar who had pink or purple hair and this eccentric style and flare to her. She had her eyes on Mr. Puccio and was making it super clear. Anthony, who's ego was definitely stroked from this encounter (rightfully so) was a complete gentleman to this girl regardless of his lack of interest. In this moment, I had deja vu back to 2005 being that same goth girl, but being seen and heard without judgement and only compassion.

I started middle school and went through puberty pretty early. As most 13 year old's do, I wanted to fit in so I began to play the part. The attention I was beginning to get from boys was alarming being that I had not been all too familiar with having a relationship with any man in my life. Pretty quickly I became a target to another level of immense bullying. This was the start to a lifelong battle of being uncomfortable in my body. It was only until the last year that I've been able to work through and begin to overcome this. To this day, I am still uncomfortable by the attention I get from men. But, it's something I am continuing to work on every day. When I was moving last year I stumbled upon my middle school yearbook. While I was flipping through it, there were at least a handful of entries from boys my age commenting on my body.

One day back in August, days after moving back to NY from Costa Rica I refused to drive anywhere so I would walk around for hours. I walked about a mile and a half up Seaman's Neck Road to my elementary school East Broadway. On the way there I listened to Avril Lavigne's album "Let Go" from cover to cover. It's like I was listening to it for the first time in 2002. I connected to all of these songs but in new (extra) complicated ways. As I am facing the same sign in from of my elementary school where I have a picture of my 7 year old self (hanging on my childhood bedroom mirror), I see that girl so clear. I give her the biggest hug every day. In this moment, something became clear to me. I am still that same 7 year old little girl at heart. I rediscovered who I have always been. She was a gone girl for so many years...

But I finally found her.

xx

Carly Cat