Game of Emotion

You wanna know what goes through a women’s mind when they are in love? Not just being in love, but being in love with a person who consistently does things to let you know that they don’t give 2 fucks about how you feel.

Well to name a few:

Suicide

Heartache

Violence

Revenge

The things that vividly go through my mind just so I can try to understand or want to know what it will take for that person to realize that a women’s emotions are NO FUCKING JOKE. Especially the person your with, the one who you semi rely on every singular atom of energy that you possess.

Why don’t I just fucking cut my throat? Wait no let me start with smacking and punching and banging my head against anything i can use that will leave me hurt and possibly brain damaged.

How about I just drive my car into a fucking tree and never come back home.

Why don’t I shave my head bald and fucking shoot myself in my head so you can the damage better.

Or no why don’t I just use the actual game system to bash my own face in.

Maybe I should do any of these options in front of his face so I can see his reaction

Maybe let me leave and never come back so he can get that knock on the door or watch what happened on the little news notification that pops up on his phone.

Now let’s talk about revenge.. revenge as in: hurting and breaking his heart the way he’s emotionally and mentally broke yours.

When you’re in love .. not even those thoughts are anymore than just an incomplete sentence.

My brain couldn’t even imagine me being with someone other than him or any one else.

It would just be me, and my babygirl of course

Violence… I could break all of his things and throw them outside. I could hit him and punch him I could curse him out and spit and do every thing disrespectful that I could think of. But he’s a man and you never know how far a man is willing to go. He could kill you. Leave you damaged for the rest of your life. But worst of all you will live with this unethical guilt. I should’ve just been better.. I should have just did this or did that and not said anything.

I still love him and I ruined everything.

Let me tell you! It’s not worth it. You will feel even worse after or never feel anything ever again because your existence is now non existent

Lastly the heartache.. when you feel all these things in one and they are all racing through every neuron in your brain at 100mps

Now your emotions are like a tsunami and tornado clashing together. And when that happens you burst. Into tears and furry and hurt and sadness dripping down your face. You’re reminded of who you despise to be like the most.

And!.. Somehow in the midst of all this your worst critic is hovering with words like a dome over your mind, like a blimp with that big AD that’s advertising while they fly through the beaches sky:

Stfu you pathetic piece of shit

No one gives a fuck get over it

Your crazyyyy

You’ll never be good enough

Maybe I do one of those suicidal options just enough so it won’t fully kill me but get me into a hospital so maybe he’ll never make me feel like that again.

HEY LOOK WHATS THAT!?!! Another Blimp except this time it reads the name of my daughter:

In ALL CAPITAL LETTERS

I would literally ruin her life before it even actually begun.

I am her everything… and I give a fuck about what another man thinks of me

Who gives a fuck?

This why I keep trying and keep trying and keep trying

But I’m tired of it. What’s it gonna take for me to be a stronger, and a better me?

A better me for you?

Or a better me for him?

Because what even is a better me for him?

Time and love is all you want from a person you love.

When you’re at your lowest they should help bring you right back up.

When your feeling bad or embarrassed or any type of way negatively no matter if it’s about them or someone else. They should be there and care no matter if it’s a response you may still disagree with.

Come to a middle ground.. end off on a positive note. Especially if your about to rest your head against that pillow and if your stepping a foot out that door.

You are not worthless!

You are not a nuisance!

I hope in life there will never be a time you feel these ways!

And if you do you won’t hesitate to come and confide in me.

if you can’t this will be available to you.

I could just leave with you and create our own life. I would never take you completely away from him, but it won’t be a complete household anymore.

And I’m so sorry for that

I’m so sorry I’m not any where close to being a “perfect or incredible” mother

But I will tell you that I will make mistakes, and I will better myself every step of the way.

Time is lesson…Time is… Failure… Time is picking up where you left off.. where there once was a beautiful spark in you, where you were most ambitious..

and sometimes those Times… even still are not your happiest moments.

Things will click for you at some point, but don’t stop trying and keep that reason that keeps YOUR sanity, YOUR ambition on a throne.

You write you! You create your future. Let future you look back after many many years and read off that blimp:

I’m proud of you

I have no regrets

And lastly:

Thank you for loving me

Love yourself first.

You could Fill in your blanks because this was personal.