Fear of Covid

Covid…..the mere utterance of it still sends shivers down my spine.

Is it just a flu? Or is it really a deadly virus?

Being a contagious virus that is believed to have originated from an animal, managing to spread throughout all quarters the world. No country has escaped the devastating effects of this mutating virus with a new strain emerging every few months.

Being an airborne virus that is highly contagious, patients that contract the virus present with variable symptoms that range from no symptoms at all to causing mortality. The virus has affected people of all ages regardless of their health status. One could be directly affected by the virus or indirectly by being a carrier. Not forgetting the fear when a family member becomes a positive case (which is how one is termed when one contracts the virus) and playing the waiting game to see who succumbs to the virus next.

This virus has created a ruckus throughout the world with countries imposing travel restrictions and some even restricting local movement to prevent the spread in the community. In my locality, each car was limited to having a driver and only one passenger. Crossing a district would require permission from the local authority. Every few kilometres, roadblocks were set up manned by the police and the army to check each vehicle that surpasses them. Certain areas that were identified as clusters were barricaded to prevent movement in and out of the area. Basic necessities were delivered by the authorities to the people. The sound of an ambulance siren in the neighbourhood meant there was someone with the virus being taken away to a quarantine centre.

That was during the beginning of the pandemic when little was known about the virus. After much research was done and advice from the world health bodies, the regulations were relaxed allowing people to quarantine themselves in the comforts of their home. Swabbing centres and assessment centres were run to diagnose, assess and treat the symptoms of patients. When self-test kits became affordable, we were allowed to perform self-test as a diagnostic measure. Companies and event managers started requesting for prophylactic self-testing for clearance before an event. The vaccines were then invented and distributed throughout the world; and there was the debate of which was better and safer. Not much was known about the vaccine that were invented in the shortest period of time amid the increasing pandemic. A single dose not being enough, booster doses were given as research and evidences showed the efficacy to only last a few months. Getting vaccinated at the multiple vaccination centres set up throughout the country was an event by itself. It was the only outing that some had after being at home for a long period of time. There were reports of some contracting the virus from the vaccination centres itself. The amount of manpower that were employed, some were paid allowances, others contributed voluntarily. So much of energy and emotion just because of this tiny microbe.

In the place that I live, there was an app that was created to trace the positive cases in order to prevent the spread within the community. When one contracts the virus and gets themselves tested positive, their status will be updated as positive and would turn red on the app. The person would be granted a period of quarantine whereby they would be caught if are found outside their premises. When I enter any premise, I would have to scan yourself to register my attendance at the place at a particular time. If someone positive was found to be at the same place at the same time, I would receive a notification asking me to monitor my symptoms as I might be at risk of the virus. Before entering a premise, the owner would ask to see the status on the app, those who are positive would not be allowed into any premise. That was the extent our movements were controlled and monitored throughout the movement control order.

Schools were closed and online classes were introduced. Working from home became such a common practice to reduce the number of employees in a company at any time.

New norm that emerged after spread of this virus changed our lives completely.

The absence of a face mask made my face feel naked. During the peak of this disease, going out without a facemask attracted stares from the public as though I have committed a serious crime. Working in the healthcare sector made me more vulnerable to the disease and at high risk of bringing it back home. Speaking of which, I had to wear two face masks at a time and interaction with patients covered in full personal protective equipment head-to-toe. Gone were the days of interacting and getting to know patients as they would never be able to recognise us in that suit.

After work, it would be straight to the washroom to disinfect myself before touching anyone or anything at home. I even heard that some working in high risk area even made a makeshift washroom outside their house to clean themselves before entering their house. It was the fear of the unknown as you could not see or feel the virus.

Going out of the house was and is still incomplete without my protective gear and disinfection tools comprising of face mask, a bottle of sanitizer and sanitary wipes. At the peak of the virus, some even wore face shield for added protection and going to the supermarket wearing plastic non-medical gloves to avoid direct contact with items touched by others. After coming back home, all items were wiped with a wet cloth before arranging them in their places. It took so much energy and time out of our lives.

I started losing confidence and feeling the fear of meeting people. A thought was planted in my mind that meeting people increases the chances of contracting the virus. I started seeing everyone as having the virus and being infectious. I stopped greeting people as that would mean having to shake hands and have long conversations. Any outsider without a face mask seem infectious. I would frown at anyone sneezing or coughing when it could just be dust in the air that triggered the sneeze or someone choking on their saliva. I lost the touch of engaging with people. I would avoid public places and would remain in the comforts of my home as the mere thought of going out was too tiring for my body and mind.

Having small kids at home escalated my fear of the virus as they were at a higher risk with their still developing immune system. I started posing many restrictions on them, limiting their outdoor activities. Although I was well aware of how that would affect their childhood, the chronic effects of the virus would be more devastating and debilitating. Many have thrown blames on me that I am on the verge of turning my kids into anti-social beings, preventing them from interacting with people in the real world. However, these commenters forget that the kids have the right to good health and myself as a mother have the responsibility to protect them from the deadly effects of this virus. It would be of no point to be careless and expose them to the virus and cry after when it is too late. Who is to know what the virus can do to a child in the long run. It is always better to be safe than sorry. People fail to forget that as a parent, I have the right to choose or decide for my child at least till an age that they are mature enough to make decisions on their own.

I still have the fear of touching any surfaces when I go out. Door knobs and lift buttons are among contaminated surfaces. I would always cushion my finger with a tissue to avoid direct contact with contaminated surfaces. Flushing the toilet with bare hands would be a huge no for me. I would use a tissue to touch the flush knob or handle and throw the tissue away thereafter. That was the extreme of my fear and it still is.

How a miniscule microbe has changed the life of human beings. Something to ponder on. With the advances in technology and the ever-evolving brain of human beings, we are still not able to contain this virus and put an end to it. From pandemic to endemic and people have started living with it.

When some people have brushed it off as just a flu and are trying to live with it, why can’t I relax my restrictions. I still go to work with double face masks on, walk around with sanitizer in my pocket, avoid touching surfaces with my bare hands and disinfect myself once I reach home.

Am I suffering from OCD or is it covid-induced anxiety?

I am amazed at how I lived carefree pre-covid, life was so much more relaxed and peaceful then.

Will I be able to live like that again?