Musical musings by a failed gay

It is my mother’s greatest disappointment in life, and she might even say her most significant failure, that I, her one and only son – indeed child, is not gay.

Quite frequently, she will still make comments about the concerted effort she made in my childhood to try and nurture her desired sexual orientation within me.

Yet, despite her best attempts, I am afraid that I have very much denied her ambition and have grown up as a rather underwhelming straight white man. Sometimes I still see the sadness in her eyes when I mention my partner or wear taupe coloured clothing to a family gathering.

My mother has now, I hope, come to terms with the fact I have another woman in my life who I can and do love equally to her. All be it in a very different way. Let me repeat that, in a very, very different way. To reassure you one more time, my partner has always been able to shower at my family home without fear of a Hitchcockian demise. I think. My mother does, however, have a terrifyingly good poker face and now I think about it there is a rocking chair in the attic. But I digress.

Despite my flippancy, I am immensely grateful to the childhood my mother gave me. For as long as I can remember, I have always been aware of the LGBTQ community. It was not, as many children experience, a whispered taboo. The cabaret of sexual orientation which exists between humans on planet Earth and the normality of it was for me something never to be feared, ridiculed or hated as a child. It was just something I learnt about growing up, like learning to ride a bike. Truth be told, learning to ride a bike was far less natural to understand.

So, while school friends threw slurs and gay slang around to deride and belittle one another, dare I say it, with gay abandon I was always and still am comfortable in my straightness and other people's gayness. And the lack of fear, especially in my teenage years, of what my developing sexual orientation might be was never an issue for my parents nor me. Sadly, not everyone has it so easy.

The truth be told, however, some of my Mum’s attempted ‘gaymaking methodologies’ were clichéd, to say the least. Playing dress-up just means that now I have very exacting standards for my fancy dress costume at Halloween. Having my hair long means the photos of my mulleted youth only haunt me when they are brought out. And the marathon movie musical Judy or Barbra nights with her just means that I have a rather comprehensive knowledge of Hollywood show tunes, which is frequently very useful in pub quizzes.

Who am I kidding?

I fucking love musicals. Always have, always will.

My mother’s love for them has osmotically been absorbed into me. As a kid, the house was always full of the voices of Judy, Doris, Howard, Frank and Gene. Performing in school musicals-a sure-fire way to be branded gay by school ‘friends’ – are some of my fondest school memories and certainly my Mum’s proudest moments. And from the age of three, Mum and I have loved being able going to the theatre or the cinema to watch musicals - until that is now.

Covid-19’s stranglehold on society across the globe currently denies people many of life's pleasures and for some, like my mother and me, not being able to go to theatre is one of them. A succession of pre-booked tickets have now been cancelled or refunded and our regular theatre trips decimated. The spine-tingling and arm-hair raising moments of live musical theatre are now a distant memory. Indeed, when lockdown hit here in the UK, the fact I would no longer be able to see the Back to the Future musical in its premiere season took several days and repeat viewings of the films to come to terms with.

Yes, I know in the grand scheme of things, it's small. But for those who love the unadulterated everyone dancing in the streets, breaking into song, change of key escapism that only musicals bring about not being allowed to watch them live removes joy from our lives.

But don’t rain on my parade (Funny Girl), and I am telling you I’m not going (Dreamgirls) to let this virus stop me from enjoying musicals. So, to help me from losing my mind (Follies) I needed to find something that would keep me satisfied (Hamilton) each day by giving me a little bit of musical magic until some other time (On the Town) when we can again have one day more (Les Miserables) and some enchanted evening (South Pacific) back in the theatre watching the incredible performers who bring the music of Gershwin, Lloyd Webber, Rogers and Hammerstein, and Sondheim to life and it not just be a distant memory (Cats).

Sorry, I had to release some of my pent-up musical.

The point is. Well, the point is few things celebrate the unbridled joy of life as well as a musical. Whether it’s starving orphans dreaming of glorious food or LA commuters breaking free from the monotony of morning traffic, the escapism of an excellent musical set piece can go a long way to lift anybody’s soul. And right now, while we are all on lockdown and we have to dream a dream of times gone by we can’t lose sight of the fact that one day in the future we will experience the something wonderful of life in its fullest again.

In the meantime, I have been getting a daily musical hit from instagram account Musicals I love which for now is satisfying my Broadway blues and Westend woes.

However, I want to do more and I, therefore, encourage you all to find your inner Covid-19 musical to bring joy to your home and tell your stories. Dream your impossible dream as you clean your closet for the umpteenth time. Realise anything goes when you’re home alone, and no one can see just how bad your hair and nails have become. Climb every mountain as you master the stairs over and over and over again for your daily exercise. It’s your world now, and it’s not a place you have to hide in, we are where we are so make no excuses and sing it aloud you are who you are. We can all be in a world of pure imagination and make some music.

If you don’t believe me then why not watch the Marsh family from Kent, England go full Von Trapp and create their rendition of Les Miserables’ One Day. Just look at the joy exuding from that otherwise brilliantly bland British living room. That is a family bonding through the power of show musical joy.

Still a cynic? Still don’t believe one good musical song has the power to make a difference or uplift an entire nation. Well, think again and look at the photo below of 100-year-old military hero and multi-million-pound fundraiser Colonel Tom Moore clutching his number one trophy after becoming the oldest person ever to top the UK charts. Think it’s an accident that he chose to sing the all-time musical classic You’ll never walk alone from Carousel to stir and inspire a nation, I don’t think so. Tom Knows. And it makes me so happy.

I’ve heard all the excuses and all the gripes for not loving musicals and not wanting to embrace their joy:

“It’s not realistic – everyone dancing in the street.” Is it realism that you want now?

“Why would gangsters sing and dance?” Why wouldn’t they?

“Why would you dance in the rain?” Because there might come a day, you can’t.

When this all ends, that’s it. I am coming out. I am standing up proud, and I am letting the world know I am a straight white male, and I fucking love musicals, and there is nothing wrong with it. My old school friends can call me gay again, but I will just assume they mean carefree and happy because by Jove I am.

After Covid 19, the next time I get the chance to fly on a plane, I am painting my face green, going full Elphaba and blasting out defying gravity from seat 15c.

The next time I get the chance to eat at my favourite Indian restaurant, I am raising my bowl to the sky and singing food glorious food to my vindaloo.

And the next time I get the chance to walk into a theatre to watch a show, the ushers best be prepared because I am going to Ethel Merman the shit out of a rendition of there’s no business like show business.

So, all I ask of you, wherever you are when the morning comes, and oh what a beautiful morning it will be, is to put on your ritz and all that jazz, step out with your baby, your loved one or whoever and find the song in your heart that you want to sing. Tomorrow will come, and we will all be fully dressed with smiles again, and we will experience the heaven that comes when once again we can all dance cheek to cheek.

Wouldn't it be loverly?