Leo Dis Vinci
UK-based creative, filmmaker, artist and writer. 80s' Geek, Star Wars fan and cinephile.
Gentlemen, it's time to MEATUS
For most of my life, I have used a racial slur to describe a part of my penis. It’s as shameful as it is unbelievable, but without thought, and much reason, since being a child, I have accepted the crude term ‘Jap’s eye’ to describe the hole at the end of my dick.
Ten MORE things Covid-19 has created that need naming
Last year, I created a coronavirus dictionary to help name ten new emotions and experiences that COVID-19 had helped create. It is my most successful Vocal piece to date, so like a Hollywood studio rather than create fresh new material, I am hoping that a sequel will bring similar success. Cynical, I know, but to be fair I think I have enough material to work with to make at least a Godfather II and maybe even ‘The Empire Strikes Back’ - just as long as it’s a better sequel than ‘Batman and Robin’ – I’ll be happy.
Papa, Pablo and Me (Pierre)
Chapter 1 – The Dealer The greed was sweating out of the dealer's skin. He had licked his lips at least once as he took the piece of paper from me and surveyed it. While he may have thought he was playing it cool, the moisture above his top lip glistening in the Manhattan sunlight betrayed him.
January 20th 2021: Welcome back America.
In the last few hours, the tears have rolled down my face as I watched the inauguration of the 46th President of the United States of America, Joe Biden.
The war against Coronavirus: Are we all the Nazis?
I recently asked my Grandma how her life during the current Coronavirus pandemic compared to her childhood during WWII. Her answer startled me.
BREAKING NEWS: Donald Trump writes a letter to say goodbye to his followers
Dear Donald, I am writing this letter, VERY OLD FASHIONED, because my voice has been silenced by the Social Media Mafia who can’t handle what I say. Sorry to all my loyal twitter followers that I have to use this very old method of writing a letter. Not DONALD TRUMP at all. But maybe I was too modern a president for them. I don’t know. But maybe. I am writing to let you all know at the end of my presidency, that I did it. I made history great again. Before me it was such a boring subject but now I am the most historic president ever, tremendously historic. IMPEACHED. TWICE. No one else has done that. No other president. Not Lincoln, a republican you know, like me a republican, a great republican good for African Americans just like me. More for the African-Americans than anyone. Yes, not Lincoln, not Kennedy, not that one during the war, only me, the first and only president to be impeached twice. That means I am twice the president Crooked Bill Clinton was. I stopped his crooked wife. CROOKED HILARY. Not even Obama (NOT A REAL AMERICAN YOU KNOW. STILL NO PASSPORT. STILL WAITING TO SEE IT). Yes not even the “great” Obama who the FAKE NEWS love, despite him doing nothing for anyone. POOR PRESIDENT. Not even Obama is as historic as me now. I will be remembered forever as historic. NO ONE CAN TAKE IT FROM ME. I am the most tremendously impeached president. All the haters, like FAT ROSIE O’DONNELL and shouty, very bad actor, Robert De Niro will be forgotten by history but not DONALD J TRUMP. I made history interesting. My name will be remembered forever, will yours? You loser reader! Will history remember anything you have done? I doubt it. UNLIKELY. No one’s interested. THE FAKE NEWS THEY HAVE PRINTED SO MUCH COVEFE SO MANY LIES but my supporters REAL AMERICANS. PATRIOTS. FLAG LOVERS not burners. Good honest people who stand for the ANTHEM not like sackable FOOTBALL PLAYERS, (NOT EVEN A GOOD PLAYER) who kneel. NO RESPECT. My supporters you know the truth, don’t you? I love you. Donald J Trump. BIG OVER THE TOP SIGNATURE TAKES AGES TO WRITE HIS NAME, Donald TRUMP loves you. Not as much as I love my daughter IVANKA (great legs, I really would, no I really would) but I love you more than my other daughter Tiffany (DISAPPOINTMENT DAUGHTER) and about the same as DONALD JR and more than Eric (WEAK SON)…Yes I love you all. Such nice people. Good people. You have listened to my words. Together we have created something so special, SO MUCH FEAR, SO MUCH ANGER, SO MUCH HATRED. America was weak. SOPPY. I blame Hollywood. ANTIFA ACTORS. They turned us weak. Too many films in other languages. I love Gone with the Wind. True AMERICAN History stories like Forest Gump. Lieutenant Dan, GREAT AMERICAN HERO - I met him. Not enough of these films anymore because ACTORS ARE TOO SCARED to tell the truth. Only Scott Baio and Jon Voight (GOOD FRIENDS AND GREAT ACTORS) know the truth and we have made America strong again by making people have real emotions like fear, hate and anger. LOVE is too European. TOO SOCIALIST LIKE CORTEZ. Dangerous woman. Wants communism in America. Yes, the FEAR we have created that makes us all stronger. People had never heard of the Capitol in CHINA (THEY CREATED THE FLU, YOU WILL SEE, I WAS RIGHT, ONE DAY YOU WILL SEE THAT I WAS RIGHT.CHINA - VERY BAD PEOPLE) But now because you great American heroes stormed the CAPITOL and made shrieky NANCY PELOSI (AND ENEMY OF THE STATE CHUCK) and other weak do-nothing democrats hide, now the Chinese and the French and even the GERMANS who had never heard of Washington before…well now they know we have a beautiful capitol with so many columns. I LOVE COLUMNS. I HATE WINDMILLS. But columns are beautiful. BIG LONG WHITE COLUMNS. Aspirational to me. Now the world feels something for America. You will hear the haters and the FAKE NEWS (LIKE CNN), not real reporters like SEAN HANNITY, say that the rest of the world are laughing at us. NOT TRUE. All these shitholes LIKE AFRICA ONE BIG SHITHOLE COUNTRY are laughing at us but because they are only jealous of us. I have talked to many African State presidents, strong leaders from strong states of Africa, recently and they say it wasn’t a COUP that happened last week. No tanks and I don’t wear medals. I HAVE NO MEDALS. MEDALS ARE FOR LOSER MEN LIKE JOHN McCAIN (WISHES HE WAS JOHN McCLAIN) who get captured. I have never been captured. Never will. I am too good at escaping like CLINT EASTWOOD. LOVED HIS WORK WITH THE EMPTY CHAIR. Yes, it wasn’t a coup. It wasn’t a riot. Not like those black lives matter riots. They aren’t real black people. All black people I have talked to, they love me. Fake news black people are from other countries, socialist countries like Denmark, and the UK, and FRANCE (WORST OF THEM ALL) and they are literally been directed, for the CAMERAS like a movie by Spike Lee and Martin Scorsese. It’s true. One America, GREAT NEWS OUTLET, they have seen these ANTIFA FILMAKERS directing actors to pretend to be angry black people. Even white actors being black. SO RACIST. But black people have it the best now – THANKS TO ME. You just watch what bad Old Joe does. Not the real president. NEVER WILL BE. He will do nothing for those people. He has never done anything good. Lazy slow -Joe. You will miss me when I am gone. Won’t you? You will? Won’t you? I will be the most missed President ever. Tremendously missed. In History, there will never be a president as missed as much as me. What will fat terrible actor ALEC BALDWIN do now? STEPHEN is the best Baldwin. What will he do now with his terrible impression of me? Jon Oliver who looks like a weird parrot and we shouldn’t listen to him as he is not AMERICAN or Trevor Noah, also not AMERICAN, what will they do now without me to talk about? They will have to get new jokes. Not lazy fake news jokes about me. They have told so many lies. But they will miss me now I am gone. This is my last day and I am glad to be leaving the WHITEHOUSE. (VERY SMALL, NO GOLF COURSE). It will be much better for Slow Joe and his dog. DONALD TRUMP (ME) doesn’t like dogs. THEY SHOW WEAKNESS (AND THAT YOU HAVE A HEART). They are too dependent and you have to love them and they show you unconditional love AND I DON’T LIKE THAT. I like love with conditions. Condition 1: What can you do for me? Condition 2 What do I get? Condition 3: Will people know my name? These are my conditions for love. VERY SIMPLE. Dogs are stupid animals only weak people love them. I much prefer pussy. I love touching and grabbing PUSSY. Another reason why I am the greatest president because of how good I am with…Did I make America great again? Red caps will always be associated with me, Donald Trump, just like red armbands were with Hitler. VERY MISUNDERSTOOD HUMAN. But also a bad man. VERY BAD MAN who loved dogs. Like Joe Biden. A COINCINDENCE. You make up your own mind. And now as well as dog a in the Whitehouse there will be woman Vice President. VERY BAD IDEA. They bleed from places. CAN’T BE TRUSTED. I chose Mike. He was bloodless. ONLY CAME OUT AT NIGHT. But at the end even he has turned against me. Lots of people have had to go because they turned against me. They couldn’t handle my greatness and my leadership. But now I am so historic and I have done so many things that no other president was brave enough or AMERICAN enough to do they can’t forget me, can they? Will they? You won’t forget me will you? AMERICAN’S FIRST AND ONLY PRESIDENT TO BE IMPEACHED TWICE can’t be forgotten. I have my name on many things, even steaks, AMERICAN FOOD AT ITS BEST, but many things with my name on before are gone, FAKE NEWS WILL CALL THEM FAILED, but bankruptcy is good business decisions as you spend what you want and never pay it back, GREAT BUSINESS MIND to declare bankruptcy so many times. But my name on the presidency that will never be forgotten will it. 45 it’s a good number. ADDS UP TO NINE. Probably the best president number to be. Donald Trump number 45. They will say it in BINGO. You won’t forget me will you? No, I can’t be forgotten. I have golfed more than any other president. I have employed more of my family than any other president. I have insulted more people than any other president. I have written the most tweets. I wrote them all myself. Like this letter. ALL MY WORDS. In the order I want to put them. USING the punctuation I WANT when I WANT like this letter. Great words. Perhaps, the greatest. I don’t know. Some people say that, I am the best tweeter ever. I would never brag like that. I was till they hard to delete me because the system couldn’t contain me. I have to get my helicopter soon. You won’t forget me will you? I am not going to slow Joe’s inauguration. Because he didn’t win the election. We won it. By a lot. So much winning. I always win. Now I am two times impeached. Unbeatable. No one will beat that. I made friends with ROCKETMAN. Remember that. Bravest president ever to step into North Korea. Obama couldn’t because he had no passport. STILL NOT SEEN IT. You won’t forget me will you? The greatest president ever. Tremendous me. Remember the WALL. I built the wall remember. Go to Mexico look at it. I built it all. Its all new. All under me. You just see what Joe Biden does now. THE CHINESE VIRUS will get worse. People will say I DID NOTHING. Not true. FAKE NEWS. ALWAYS FAKE NEWS. I gave good advice drink bleach and disinfectant. FAUCI LIED. RUDY LIED. I have been around liars. Watch what happens to crazy Rudy now. The stuff I have on him from our New York days. Just see. Ivana loves me. She won’t leave me. Will she? You all love me don’t you? You won’t forget me will you? The greatest president. EVER. I hear the helicopter now. You won’t forget me will you? My name DONALD J TRUMP. I made history. History remembers people like me. It loves them. How many of the other 44 presidents can you name? (ACTUALLY ON 43 – CLEVER FACT I KNOW. GROVER CLEVELAND WAS TWICE. Good idea. Right? Maybe I should do that. Come back after Joe Biden. Would you like that? You will miss me when I am not here. You all have boring lives without me. Nothing to talk about. No figure. History remembers people like me. Leaders who inspired people to do horrendous things in their name. No place for nice guys in history. Men are leaders. You won’t forget me will you? I mark the end of an era. An old white man will follow me. NO PROGRESS. You know America has never had a female leader? So, old fashioned. Bad country to be a woman leader. EVEN PAKISTAN has had a female leader. Not AMERICA. But I was good for America? Wasn’t I? You will remember me now won’t you? You will remember my name? The helicopter is here. I have to go now. They’re here to take me away. I loved you America. NOT ALL OF YOU. Only those who loved me. I will remember you all when I am playing golf again soon. So much GOLF. GOLF. GOLF. I am a great player. NEVER CHEAT. Not like Joe. He would cheat at golf like he did the election. He never won. I am still the president. No more presidents after me. Only cheats. You will still love me won’t you? Don’t forget me? You can’t forget me. They have called me. I have to go now. I will start a new twitter. It will be even better. I will call it Trumping. People will love trumping. Apparently in the UK that means farting but its FAKE NEWS. Everything I didn’t say or you have been told I said in the last four years. Fake News. You will hear a lot more FAKE News in the next few weeks too about what I did and didn’t do as a president but its all fake news. If I didn’t tell you what it said then it’s fake news. I have to go now. Do I have to go now? They say I do. I don’t want to go. Can’t I still be your president. OK I will go. THE GREATEST PRESIDENT IN THE HISTORY OF THE USA will now go. To all my followers in all 52 states I know you love me. Even the haters. See I can be a good loser. You will miss hating me, just you see, see how much you miss the hate. I have to go. I don’t want to go. Will you miss me? You’ll miss me when I am gone. You will. Best PRESIDENT EVER. I was. Wasn’t I? History can never forget me now. It’s all I wanted. All I ever wanted. All anyone wants right? I have to be remembered. No one can take that from me. Not even you Dad. I told you I could do stuff, Dad. I did. I was the president of the USA. First ever to be impeached twice. Unforgettable Donald J Trump. I win. I always win. Goodbye America. Hello Russia. Who knows? Maybe?
The Rules of the Man-cave
Apparently, men think about sex every seven seconds (we don't). And we probably all masturbate profusely until our wrists hurt (we really don't).
Every man flinched as each woman screamed. Each male knew the sound of his mate from the neighbouring delivery rooms like albatrosses that recognise their partner's call.