Z-Man
Bio
\m/,
Hello all! I am an aspiring vocalist, filmmaker + writer. I hope you gain something personal + inspiring from my work here. You are also welcome to subscribe to my YouTube Channel: Ad-Libbing With The Zman.
Thank You!
Zach
B']
Stories (169/0)
The Girls I [Used] To [Love]
Outside of the need for procreation as a means to keep our species living onward (I've gleaned that is more or less the technical reality of it), our lives have not been acclimated to such. Instead, we are caught up in the romance of things--however that may be relevant, existentially.
By Z-Man2 years ago in Confessions
Negatives, Routines, Pains...
I have some thoughts that repeatedly come into my head, and I am so afraid that, if I let them be said in my mind, that they will come true. That God or the Universe will bring them to pass because I can't help but think them. I have always been afraid that if I let them come and pass, and not get emotionally involved with them or their spiritual effects and consequences, that those people will feel the effects of my thoughts mentally at that moment, and that I have tarnished their image and worth forever. My heart knows the truth, but my insecurities and loss of opportunities due to changes in my life and future that were out of my control have a hold of my mind and bring these thoughts back time and time again. It is a war that I cannot seem to win. Negative thoughts about loved ones that I do not intend to ever mean, yet my mind keeps bringing them to the surface every time I see a photo or others in person. I know it is driven by my pain for them and love for them, but it seems like the side effects of such thinking and love have turned into a vicious cycle and it keeps being summoned between my eyes and them. It is becoming linked neurologically over time, and I feel trapped, like I can't do what's right or what's wrong to make a difference, and that I don't have control over these things. I cannot be present in a moment because the tumor that has become this unwanted residual thinking. Fear and life and Nature and God and other things have kept me immobilized time and again, and I find I have trouble just trying to live a normal life, as far as that goes, and aside from that--more importantly--trying to better myself and become the ultimate person that I can be. Not only for myself, but for my family. I have decided today to let the negative thinking happen, regardless of the supposed "consequences" of the Universe potentially hearing my thoughts and acting on them. Like I said, I have a strong fear that what comes into my mind will be manifested, especially in others. The interesting thing is, when I'm...I suppose it's caught between these conflicting states of emotional dominance...that it fine-tunes my reception to certain aspects of music at time. I appreciate powerful transitions in music, segments of a second, or two, or less, long, anyway. But with milking songs through repetition, eventually they lose their freshness and luster. The songs that had inspired me like diamonds in the rough eventually lose their allure and sting. And because I have milked song after song, album after album, I filled so much time that eventually the habit kind of weeded itself out to a degree. Like when you do something for years, then suddenly feel your love and desire for it wane, to nothing or strongly in that direction. I have resources to change, grow, and expand through self-help coaches like Tony Robbins and Coach Corey Wayne (a follower of Tony, who I have studied how to understand women through), and spiritual leaders like Dr. Wayne Dyer. But I have so many distractions, conscious and subconscious, supposed and actual, and a gravitation toward music, and films, and typing, and a hesitancy to sit still in one place extensively perhaps, especially when alone, that I don't feel the desire or pull to spend the time and invest my complete attention in their materials. I want to change to help my family, but I don't feel the need for myself. I feel I have a few or too many conflicts internally that keep me trapped in the center...NOT centered. They deserve more, I KNOW, and so do I, I KNOW, but I still feel so helpless, surely at times, and often when the day begins, often when the day is through.
By Z-Man2 years ago in Confessions
Positives, Inspirations, Pleasures...
It is in the beginnings of the songs, in the midst of its performance on my senses, in the heat that rises in its wake, that thoughts truly reign supreme. Thoughts of how I see my loved ones through the lens of my heart and wisdom and wonder. I see them in every vision that rises before my eyes, in any atom of sight that glows off in the distance, in those far off buildings and sights where in my mind I see things happening, imagining some epic piece of life playing out. It could be at the hands of the fate of the Universe or some chapter in some grand journey. Either way, it is being unblinded to those invisible depths of thinking and perception that Heaven leads me to find. Through the pain that a beautiful instrumental, be it a phone alarm or something I come across in my musical discovery travels, brings to me imagine the loss of losing those loved ones one day by mortality requisite, or sights of them dancing along with me, silly in the grip of society's perceived filter, but a glorious hope of a Heaven--a party...endless even--that awaits us beyond these grips of grief-tinged points of cloying reality. I see them dancing, young and old alike, and I laugh with joy; laugh at how they move and flow with such finesse, and remind me, even, of how larger than age and life those young ones reveal to me in their actions at times. Form may be said to be unimportant, and it all changes, and is transformed forever, but their forms are still of importance to me. My heart and tears ache and flow at the sights of their possible flaws, and my mind sees those things and feels them within the loving filter and system that is me; that is the one who loves them and would take on their pain for them, more than I could and even beyond what is initially prevalent and possible. They are everything to me. Even if there is so much more I could get out of my life, any possibility that involves leaving their physical side or proximity brings me pause and a necessity within to avoid action and to nip it in the bud. You see in movies often that people go through journeys--heading off far from their homes--only to realize that what was most important to them was already there, waiting for them to come back home. Then again, it could be societal conditioning, or the beliefs of others that have overriden those moments of re-reflection and potential for change. Whether it is many manipulating causes that push me to choose to remain in the life exactly as it stands, or perhaps not, here is where I feel obligated to stay, suffering or otherwise. What the hell do I HAVE to go out there for? When all those things that my soul would yearn for if they passed in my absence, are already here and now? It is a continuing attempt at going through a process; of working by the inspiration of self-help materials and leaders, as I mentioned in the companion rant article that preceded this one today. Perhaps it is akin to this writing process, which requires me to fill out at least a minimum of 600 words before I can process this writing exercise, art piece, what have you. How far ahead do we have to write the story of our lives before we can get to the next chapter? After all, we can always write the same characters into our next one, can't we? Every journey has its main players, and secondary characters, and even cameos, all of whom could be present along the length of the saga. Perhaps its time I craft my autobiography in a way: of past, present, and potential future. Who knows? Maybe such a future will come true after all?
By Z-Man2 years ago in Confessions