The Girls I [Used] To [Love]

Outside of the need for procreation as a means to keep our species living onward (I've gleaned that is more or less the technical reality of it), our lives have not been acclimated to such. Instead, we are caught up in the romance of things--however that may be relevant, existentially.

So, in this time, we grow up through homes, neighborhoods, schools, public spaces, workplaces, and social functions. In our pining for the opposite sex--or same sex, whatever your case may be--we develop crushes or develop relationships.

Of course, crushes are inherently without guarantee; that is, until mutual momentum has begun, if it will at all.

But I'll end the intro there.

This is mainly an exploration of my own attractions in the past, without names and, really, without necessity. For whatever reasons--by way of either side--crushes these have remained. Nothing more...

1. The first girl I remember liking I met at daycare. Back in elementary school, I used to try and time it so I would be sitting next to her. I believe it worked at least once. I saw her years later, but my attraction wasn't there anymore.
2. The second I remember from second or fourth grade, I think. She was from a different part of my hometown. They shifted kids from their school to mine for whatever reason. I've always been interested in her, but there was no reciprocation.
3. The third was from third or fourth, when I spent one grade at a different school, but still my hometown. I really liked her. There was a coat room behind our classroom, and she came back there when I was there one time. The way she was walking...whatever it truly was, I can only remember the imagery, but it was alluring and so special to me. I wrote her a letter a year or two later, but nothing came after that. I saw her years later, but again, my attraction had dissipated.
4. The fourth, and fifth especially, were kind of one-off's for me. They were in middle school. I liked the fourth for a reason I cannot recall. It was short on intensity. The fifth was because she had big... I tried with her, but to no avail.
5. Skipping to college, there was one that caught my eye, and, as always, I was too nervous and anti-social and afraid of confrontation and not wanting to suffer earning money...anyway, college passed to no avail.
6. Assorted: karaoke angels, workplace milves, beautiful bar-goers, colorful coworkers
7. You know, I've kind of lost my interest in this whole experiment.

What is so difficult in life is that none of us are upfront or honest with each other. In my experience, I have always been around people, at least in a work or going-to-the-same-damn-bar-for-years circle. But I only find myself close to a small percentage of them.

People are nice to you when you are a customer, and they make you feel like they actually like you and you are friends, but they never invite you to do everything. We are always at the mercy of each other's baggage.

I can't honestly say I've offered to get people together a lot through the years. I have asked about parties, nervously, at times, but most of the time I let people come to me. I don't want to put people out and make them sacrifice their time just for me.

I don't intend to set myself out here and become labelled as a total goober. But these are realities of my own existence at this time, whether it makes me look like a winner or not.

And, believe me, outside of romance, I am a winner.

Much love to you all.

- \m/, The Z-Man B']