Forget the 30-Minute Rule, this movie is face-first in action just about a minute and a half in. Mr. Wilkins (director), I could fucking kiss you...
Okay, I knew this was going to be bad. I was actually expecting it to be so bad that I even enjoyed watching it. Not because it was a good-bad movie (it was just flat out bad), but because I knew what I was getting myself into and basically took it for what it was. It was like watching a video loop on 4Chan. How long can you hold out before the brain damage sets in? I'm not proud of myself, but I managed to watch the whole movie. That's why I'm here people, I take the steaming hot shit bath so you don't have to.
I'm really becoming a huge fan of Pollyanna McIntosh. While White Settlers was a complete flop, her acting easily stood apart from the movie's constant letdowns. Now we find her here in a role she totally deserves in a movie that tried a lot harder to really help her shine as an actress... spit shine, but at least they tried.
Jesus fucking Christ, where do I begin? This movie should be ashamed of its own existence. The vortex of suck is so great, it's creates a singularity. It's bad enough that this movie is rapey, anti LGBTQ, and pretty fucking racist, but it's also a showcase of why, as a society, we should look back at the 80s and collectively flagellate ourselves. It's funny how a society that was clearly so uncomfortable with homosexuality invented the sausage shirt and the denim short shorts. We were just as obsessed with our sexuality as we were afraid of of it. That's why so many 80s movies were marketed around killing sexually promiscuous teenagers.
Well that was fucking different... I was half considering making one of my nonsense "pretentious art snob" parody reviews about this but I think I want to actually talk about this movie. Which is funny, because unlike normal, I'm kinda at a loss for words.
You know what? I'm actually pretty impressed that Arnie didn't completely faff this movie up. He actually did an unexpectedly good job. Unfortunately, that's where my appreciation for this movie ends. Happily discovering that Arnold didn't ham up the acting isn't enough to make a decent flick, I'm sorry to say.