Reed Alexander
Founding member
Bio
I'm a horror author and foulmouthed critic of all things horror. New reviews posted every Monday.
@ReedsHorror on TikTok, Threads, Instagram, YouTube, and Mastodon.
Check out my books on Godless: https://godless.com/products/reed-alexander
Stories (309/0)
Reed Alexander's Horror Review of 'Hungerford' (2014)
My fucking GOD this movie was actively painful to watch. And as "Shaky Camera" goes, the acting actually wasn't shit, so it doesn't fall into the same category of failure as The Bay for instance. This movie didn't even fail because it was a good movie ruined by Shaky Camera like The Taking of Deborah Logan. Though, it had some of those failed elements. This movie failed because it was a shit premise, with a shit execution, using shit trope, and shit effects. The fact that it's Shaky Camera is just pissing into a river of shit.
By Reed Alexander5 years ago in Horror
Reed Alexander's Horror Review of "The Signal" (2014)
Laurence Fishburne, you try so damn hard, but there's just no carrying these shit films. I shouldn't be so harsh, this movie wasn't that bad, but it was entirely predictable. I should also say that the rest of the cast did a pretty good job too. Mr. Fishburne didn't carry the burden of this movie all by himself, but, unfortunately, even a great cast really didn't make up for such bad writing. I almost feel as though it's okay to get into the spoilers without warning because, honestly, if you aren't three steps ahead of the plot, at least... well, you're likely of the same cognitive capacity as half the people who voted for Trump. Spoiler alert, he won't keep any of his campaign promises, drain our economy and triple the deficit.
By Reed Alexander5 years ago in Horror
Reed Alexander's Horror Review of 'Always Watching: A Marble Hornets Story' (2015)
I haven't had a chance to watch the actual Slender Man movie, so instead I decided to watch a recent knockoff. And who better to turn to for "not Slender Man" movies than my new favorite shit production company, Gravitas. These are the same people who brought us Tall Men and Awaken The Shadow Man, and other such "not Slender Man" knockoffs. Thus, I was thrilled to find out that the people who secured the rights to Slender Man, failed to secure the rights to Marble Hornets, so Gravitas picked them up. If you know anything about the history behind the Slender Man Creepypasta, you know that most of the actual video content was in the Marble Hornets project. So Hollywood clearly failed to do their fucking research and Gravitas benefited.
By Reed Alexander5 years ago in Horror
Reed Alexander's Horror Review Compares 'Shaun of the Dead'(2004) and 'Zombieland' (2009)
I'd first like to thank the Greenville Drive-In for the good times I had over the last few months and for the double feature they played on their last day this year. If you're in the local NY Capital Region or around Greenville NY, these guys play the best movies. See their FB page. They'll open again May 2019.
By Reed Alexander5 years ago in Horror
Reed Alexander's Horror Review of 'Chernobyl Diaries' (2012)
Can we really call this Chernobyl Diaries? It's a one shot. And while it's in the spirit of shaky camera found footage, it's not. So what about this movie inspired the producer to add 'Diaries' to the title? Semantics...
By Reed Alexander5 years ago in Horror
Reed Alexander's Review of 'The VVitch' (2015)
An hour and a half of abso-fucking-lutely fuck all. You know this movie is visually stunning. I mean that. It's awe inspiring to the point that it is moving. But Jesus fucking Christ, we're not talking about a slow burn, we're talking about a time lapse of cactus dying of thirst over an hour and a half long. Yeah, the cactus catches fire at the end and that is kinda cool, but who wants to watch the cactus slowly wilt for that long.
By Reed Alexander5 years ago in Horror
Reed Alexander's Horror Review of 'The Lazarus Effect' (2015)
This movie wanted to be Reanimator and Flatliners all at the same time. It's not that the premise doesn't work, it just gets messy and leads to a sloppy ending. What I'm saying is this could have been done right. I'm not sure how, but what I do know is the premise is solid, however, the movie fell flat.
By Reed Alexander5 years ago in Horror
Reed Alexander's Horror Review of 'The Blood Lands' (2014)
Okay, we get it, the lead male is a total douche. Fuck sake, can we move on? I swear to god, the exposition in the beginning was less about setting up the plot and more about proving what a royal bag of dicks the male lead is. I mean, it's like the typical horror movie faux pas of making the victims completely unrelatable assholes, so you don't feel sorry for them when they finally eat a machete. But I mean, Jesus fucking Christ, even that trope just establishes the character and moves the fuck on. I mean the first full 25 minutes of this movie was really starting to make me worry that it would fail the "30 Minute Rule" because it was too busy just setting up scene after scene after fucking scene of the male lead being a prick to the female lead.
By Reed Alexander5 years ago in Horror
Reed Alexander's Horror Review of 'Hellraiser: Revelations' (2011)
Okay, I knew this was going to be bad. I was actually expecting it to be so bad that I even enjoyed watching it. Not because it was a good-bad movie (it was just flat out bad), but because I knew what I was getting myself into and basically took it for what it was. It was like watching a video loop on 4Chan. How long can you hold out before the brain damage sets in? I'm not proud of myself, but I managed to watch the whole movie. That's why I'm here people, I take the steaming hot shit bath so you don't have to.
By Reed Alexander5 years ago in Horror
Reed Alexander's Horror Review of 'Let Us Prey' (2014)
I'm really becoming a huge fan of Pollyanna McIntosh. While White Settlers was a complete flop, her acting easily stood apart from the movie's constant letdowns. Now we find her here in a role she totally deserves in a movie that tried a lot harder to really help her shine as an actress... spit shine, but at least they tried.
By Reed Alexander5 years ago in Horror