Reed Alexander's Horror Review of 'Sleepaway Camp' (1983)

Jesus fucking Christ, where do I begin? This movie should be ashamed of its own existence. The vortex of suck is so great, it's creates a singularity. It's bad enough that this movie is rapey, anti LGBTQ, and pretty fucking racist, but it's also a showcase of why, as a society, we should look back at the 80s and collectively flagellate ourselves. It's funny how a society that was clearly so uncomfortable with homosexuality invented the sausage shirt and the denim short shorts. We were just as obsessed with our sexuality as we were afraid of of it. That's why so many 80s movies were marketed around killing sexually promiscuous teenagers.

But of course the acting is shit, of course the dialog is laughable, of course the plot is nowhere to be found, and yeah, the atmosphere is more like Salute Your Shorts than Camp Crystal Lake. And there's no excuse for this tragic Friday the 13th wannabe reject. I'm not saying that the acting in the Ft13th franchise was stellar—it was just slightly better than porn acting, but at least they tried.

Robot Chicken said it best in their spoilers gag. "OH MY GOD! SOMEONE REMEMBERED THIS MOVIE!" I wasn't even thinking about this old gem, it wasn't even on my radar 'til I hit 200 likes and asked for a fan request.

SPOILERS!!!

Angela's a boy. TA-DA!!! Who fucking cares? You know why they did that (other than the fact that the writer/director clearly has some pedo trans fantasy issues)? Because it was pretty fucking obvious that she was the killer from minute one, so the only way they could make it a twist was if they made the twist about her genitalia. Her being trans had literally nothing the fuck to do with the plot at any moment in the movie. "Fuck, they'll totally figure out that Angela is the killer! How do we shock them?! I have a crazy idea, and hear me out, what if she had a dick?" Really M. Knight Shamealong? You were so desperate for a twist ending to your totally predictable movie that this was what you came up with?

And you could tell that the writer/director clearly had some serious sexual hangups. Child molestation, young boys exploring their sexuality, teenage bimbos who are into creepy old men, brother and sister incest. Let's face it, this guy wanted to direct a kiddy porn, only they'd lock his ass up so this was the only alternative.

Oh and don't forget racism! I know the 80s were bad, but come-the-fuck-on man. There's only one black character who gets maybe ten minutes of screen time, whose name is literally Ben, and talks to the lead councilor like he's massa. Then he just disappears. Poof, not in this movie anymore.

It's not even good for horror (from which I've come to expect a lot of this trash). Half way through, they stop the whole damn movie to do a reproduction of The Sandlot. I know TSL was made well after this, but there's like a 10 minute interlude of boys playing baseball. Can we get back to the movie please?

You know why everyone has to watch this festering septic tank of absolute fucking rotting fish carcasses? We need to take one good look at ourselves as a society and agree we have had some serious fucking issues we still need to get over.

*Drops mic*