Reed Alexander's Horror Review of 'The House October Built' (2014)
Long Story Short, Shitty Foundation to Build a House
Oooookay, what can I say about this movie that I haven't already said about Shaky Camera in general... This was bad, and really, it shouldn't have been. If you haven't seen Digging Up the Marrow, watch that instead. Digging Up the Marrow gets this concept right where this movie gets it consistently wrong. I get that mockumentaries technically have to be done with a shaky camera, but Jesus-fucking-Christ. When I dubbed the 'Found Footage' genre as shaky camera, I was trying to mock the concept, not inspire it. You can't just giggle the camera around and hope it will fill in for a lack of atmosphere. I mean, fuck, you're shooting mostly out of haunted house attractions. These people basically made your fucking atmosphere for you, so what exactly is your excuse?
Look, in Digging Up the Marrow, the shaky camera technique was done tastefully. Most shots were clear as day. The only time they pulled that shaky camera crap was when they had to; sans budget for effects. This is singularly THE ONLY time shaky camera is acceptable.
But I've said this so many damn times to could make a VDM house mix out of it by now. I get it, I'm basically barking at the brick wall here. Honestly, this isn't Hollywood's fault. No, it's your fucking fault. Yes you, the mindless mutants that are currently reading this. The more you pay money to see these garbage gimmick movies, the more they'll just keep turning them out. There's a reason why the original The Blair Witch Project (TBWP) blew this genre up. They managed to create a singular beautiful moment in horror, and they've been beating that dead horse all the way to the fucking bank. Yes, it was amazing that they took something shot by college film students and turned it into a new urban legend, but that's NEVER gonna happen again. We're never getting that magical moment back. Not to mention, if you were like me, and didn't fall for the hype back when TBWP first came out, you'd realize it's actually not a very good movie. It's a fucking student film for fuck sake. This was not Hollywood material... though I say Hollywood material ironically, because they're the most likely to rehash garbage like that.
I digress. The acting was abysmal, the concept is played out and fucking tired, they weren't even responsible for the setting since they actually shot in multiple well know haunted house attractions. The protagonist are OFFENSIVELY retarded, and this movie basically betrayed everything it promised.
The whole fucking premise of this movie is 'what if a haunted house attraction was actually deadly.' So what would you expect? I don't know, maybe something a little more like Cabin In the Woods, with a mashup of monsters and genres? You know what you get instead? Killer carnies. That's it. Po-dunk yokels that didn't like them fancy city yankees com'n in, and make'n fun of their art. Okay... That's lame. I was hoping on a haunted house attraction run by an actual mad scientist with real zombies and all sorts of mutant freaks coming out of the fucking walls. What do I get? A couple of people in clown masks... yeah, see, that's going on right now in the real world and I couldn't give less of a fuck about the real evil clowns wandering around my actual neighborhood.
What the actual fuck guys?!? You made me wait an hour to see the big nasty reveal at the end and its fucking clowns? Get bent.
So why was the cast almost offensively retarded? At the beginning of the movie, they mentions that there's a blog site for the owners of these attractions to get together, discuss ideas, and deal with assholes trying to exploit them, (mostly they mean insurance farmers). So they know there's a potential that they'll step on someone's dick if they're not really fucking careful. It will get round the community and they'll basically get shut out of every place after that.
So what do they do? They step on someone's dick, it gets around to the community, and yet they keep right on pushing. Look, if you piss of an entire community, you should probably make an effort to, I don't fucking know, make amends? What you shouldn't do is continue to press your luck and piss them off more.
So the whole thing starts off with a couple of threats. Then at one point they actually get assaulted, then they basically threaten to rape the only female of their crew, AND THESE ASSHOLES JUST KEEP FUCKING PUSHING!... You just can't feel sorry for them. After the first warning shots were fired, it was either time to kowtow or tuck tail and run. I've got an idea, lets throw a rock at a wasp hive then poke it with a stick, then when the wasps are REALLY mad, stick our fucking penis in it... =D
Ugh... This movie was boring, it had no flavor, it went nowhere, and the ending just killed it.