A film nut job who one day got bored and decided to write some film reviews.
'Well that was a Mistake': A Bad Movie Review of Zardoz (1974, John Boorman)
Zardoz speaks to you..... The Gun is Good, The Penis is Evil I now worship Zardoz. There is no review, there is only Zardoz. He is everything. He is your god. He is the title of a bloody bad movie.
"Well that was a mistake"; A Bad Movie Review of Dolly Dearest (1991, Maria Lease)
I really hate dolls in horror movies. Don't get me wrong, I don't find them scary. I find them to be the poorest excuse for a horror antagonist ever conceived. They may be creepy set props but you can not honestly be scared of a doll coming at you with a knife or chainsaw. Ok well, in the ludicrous hypothetical scenario of that happening you'd likely be shitting you pants in terror but as trash movies go, it is a hilarious trope of film making failure. Fair enough if your film is tongue and cheek and not entirely serious, you can pull it off and have something that is genuinely fun and humorous to watch.
"Well that was a mistake.": A Bad Movie Review of Spiceworld (1997, Bob Spiers)
This was a mistake. A very big mistake. I wish I never ever remembered that this even existed. This movie, is a huge random mess. I cannot comprehend how this film came into being, how any decent writer, director or producer would come up with such an insane drug trip, that would put David Lynch to shame.
A Short Review of The Lighthouse (2019, Robert Eggers)
I am going to flat out say it. I absolutely adored this film. It may not be everyone's cup of tea but for myself, it was a highly visceral and surreal film with a delightful amount of weirdness, eeriness and atmosphere, which created a perfect blend, that I enjoyed every minute of. For Robert Eggers second directed film, following his highly successful folk horror The Witch (2015, Robert Eggers), it is a truly impressive achievement.
A Short Review of Cats (2019, Tom Hooper)
Why did I watch this film? Why? WHY? I mean considering the original musical trailer actually scarred me as a child, surely I shouldn't have gone to see this potentially mortifying, cat fuelled extravaganza. Well this CGI adaptation of the popular stage play surprisingly didn't have the same effect as that trailer but it is was enough to make my brain turn to mush and question the very fabric of my own existence. Not in a good way! The film was so terrible I had to contemplate what existential force placed it into being! The torment was so high I think it was the only way I survived!
A Short Review of 'Gwen' (2019, William McGregor)
I almost missed Gwen entirely. It wasn't until I saw the review by critic Mark Kermode that I became aware of it's existence. As I researched into the film I found consistently that it received a number of very praising write ups. So I decided it would definitely be worth given a try and from what I saw of the trailer, further convinced me of that. Having gone to see it, I can say that it met all expectations. It is a film that has successfully melded both Folklore and Gothicism. Creating a hybrid that one cannot help but become invested and engaged in.
"Well That Was a Mistake!"; A Bad Movie Review of 'Humanoids From the Deep' (1980, Barbara Peeters)
This film has convinced me that all films involving humanoid-fish people for some reason insist on having them partake in sex with non-fish people. It's true! Creature from the Black Lagoon (1954, Jack Arnold), The Shape of Water (2017, Guillermo Del Toro), this film, The Little Mermaid (1989, Ron Clements)! WHAT IS WITH THESE FILMS AND INTER-SPECIES FISH SEX?! Is this some kind of weird fetish I have missed out on?! (Not that I'd want to partake in such a bizarre fetish.)
A Short Review of 'Midsommar' (2019, Ari Aster)
Before we go into details, I should highlight, if you go to see this film, do not expect a truly scary horror film, because this isn't that. It is a highly intense, disturbing, psychological thriller and drama, with significant elements of humour and heavy connotations of folk horror, displaying a truly, strangely beautiful pagan nightmare. At the same time, it acts as a highly emotional and feminist story of an emotionally fragile and depressed woman having to deal with a bitter family loss and escape the clutches of an emotionally abusive relationship, fueled by the misogynistic and culturally insensitive opinions of some of the other characters.
'Well That Was a Mistake'; A Bad Movie Review of 'Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead' (2006, Lloyd Kaufman)
Bad food, zombies, sex, obscene obesity, shit, mindless violence, musical numbers and extremely malicious poultry. Sounds like Mc Donald's on a Friday night, but no it is in fact a brief description of Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead (2006, Lloyd Kaufman).
A Short Review of 'The Favourite' (2018, Yorgos Lanthimos)
I loved The Favourite. No hesitation, I absolutely loved and adored it. Already it has won and been nominated for numerous awards, including the Academy Award for Best Actress, also going onto win seven BAFTAs. Including Best British Film, Best Costume Design, Best Actress in a Leading Role and Best Original Screenplay. It is a truly well put together blend of history, comedy, politics, and satire.
A Short Review of 'Peterloo' (2018, Mike Leigh)
Strong and intense was the experience I found with Peterloo. Based on the Peterloo massacre that occurred in Manchester, 1819, writer and director Mike Leigh presents to us a tale of true sorrow and shocking repercussions, displaying one of the most truly horrible events in the darker side of Britain's history.