'Well that was a Mistake': A Bad Movie Review of Zardoz (1974, John Boorman)

Zardoz speaks to you.....

The Gun is Good, The Penis is Evil

I now worship Zardoz. There is no review, there is only Zardoz. He is everything. He is your god. He is the title of a bloody bad movie.

So this is meant to be one of the most infamous bad films ever seen in cinema history. Said to contain imagery that will permanently fuck your brains and even your very soul. Including the rather indecent and disturbing image of Sean Connery in a red nappy. Having this knowledge you'd think that would have stopped me but of course it didn't. Once again these bad movie reviews have proven that there is something clearly wrong with me. For some reason I seem to thrive of the fucked up traumatizing shit provided by these so called works of cinema.

So this 'artistic' Sci-Fi film, directed by John Boorman, in its simplest form is about a group of post civilization humans who are manipulated and exploited by a hidden group of bored immortals, who wish for death. I just wish the film was as simple as that bloody summary I just gave. Brace yourselves, for this is a baffling escapade of the pretentiously weird.

Which starts right from the the first frame, when we get a floating head, who rattles off a monologue and then we see the giant head of the god Zardoz, spitting out guns at his Zealot followers, known as Exterminators, and saying to them;

'The Gun is Good, The Penis is Evil'

A slogan that sums up practically every evangelical church in the United States to be honest.

These Exterminators are then tasked by Zardoz to kill all other human life in this post apocalyptic world, who he claims they have poisoned it. It is here we are introduced to Zed, our main character played by Sean Connery. In a red nappy. Yes I am not going let you forget that imagery anytime soon, my poor tortured mind had to put up with it! So why not yours!

Zed sneaks aboard the floating head of Zardoz, discovering that Zardoz is in fact just a melodramatic magician with a fake drawn on mustache. Zed shoots him and he falls from the head, which then lands in the supposed technologically advanced Eden of the immortals, known as the Vortex. The psychic immortals are evolved from human scientists and scholars, calling themselves Eternals. Who isolated themselves from the suffering of post-apocalyptic Earth and then proceeded to exploit it.

Zed is discovered by the Eternals who mind probe him and see how he kills and rapes other human life in the name of Zardoz. The immortals become concerned as Zardoz, known to them as Arthur, is missing and Sean Connery somehow got into their realm. However, a number of the Eternals decide that they now want to experiment on him, as well as others wanting to keep him as a pet. For him to do work and act for their entertainment. Eventually however, he is seen as a threat to their species and they are determined to destroy him, as they fear he may in fact be genetically superior to them.

Causing Zed to run and get attacked by old people who want death and even participate in a lecture about penis erection and how Eternals cannot procreate and become sexually aroused? This story just keeps constantly going from one random weird ass scene to another. I struggled to follow it so much that believe it or not I am only giving you the bare essential information. There so much more weird, glorious and traumatizing shit that goes on that I have not even yet described!

Eventually renegade Eternals try to enlist Zed to help them discover how to destroy the Vortex and discover death. So they can be released from the suffering of boredom. Then in a flashback scene we see how Zed realized Zardoz was fake. How the name Zardoz was just the combination of Zard and Oz from the book title The Wizard of Oz. He soon realized how this false god had manipulated him into murder and rape and he convinced his fellow exterminators to help him find the truth.

Following this revelation we find that most of the Eternals now wish to hunt down and kill him. While scientists wish to breed with him to produce a new race and the renegades want him to kill and destroy them. Is your brain hurting yet? Mine is, still about an hour after watching this damned strange film.

Zed soon escapes and discovers Arthur, Zardoz, is alive. The scientists and renegades then give him their knowledge so that he can destroy them. He then proceeds to break the force field surrounding the immortals home or at least I think its a force field. It possibly may be an AI or a technological diamond god? I have honestly no goddamn idea! It is all very unclear! Also somehow because of this, Zed then develops the same psychic powers as the Eternals. Yep this story is getting very confusing and unnecessarily complex, to the point that it feels like all the nerve centers of my brain are shutting off, one by one.

As all the renegades start dying, Zed sends off the scientist's to spread the knowledge of what he has learned. Then it turns out it was Arthur who created and genetically manipulated Zed, so that he could enter the Vortex and destroy them all. Plus following all this, all of the other Eternals are now automatically mortal and are thrilled that they will soon die. However, Zed finds he cannot kill them, as he becomes remorseful of his past brutal nature but in that moment the other Exterminators arrive and begin slaughtering all the Eternals.

Zed then saves the ringleader of the Eternals who wanted him dead because now she apparently loves him after realizing she became the monster she sought out to destroy. The Exterminators then walk through the dying bodies of the Eternals, crying out for Zed. Then we suddenly cut back to Zed and the ringleader who is now pregnant with Zeds child! WHAT, HOW?!! WHEN THE HELL DID THAT HAPPEN?!!!

The end shot see's them gradually get older till they both die and their son moves on into the world. JESUS! My brain seriously hurts after trying to summarize this bizarre and baffling story. In fact I would even go as far to say my soul hurts! This story is so confusing that I cannot simply ask who, where, when, why or what.

It's gotten to the point that I am constantly asking why did Boorman think this was releasable material? All of it is just a confusing mess of images and pretentious exposition. Its truly unbelievable. So much of it is just pretentious artsploitation, mixed with mind numbing exposition. It was honestly so nauseating to sit through that my brain feels like it has been frozen in time and likely is now not even aware of it's TRUE surroundings or time frame and for all it knows could be on display in the bloody future version of Disney World.

My mind has been existentially fucked by this film and for whatever bizarre reason, my brain refuses to look away. Despite all this, it's not actually as bad or traumatizing as I thought it would be. Which believe is a very big surprise for myself, I have only received a quarter of the usual mental trauma I usually receive from watching these films.

The funny thing is, parts of this film do seem to have potential in terms of story but it's completely ruined by imagery, the directing and the frankly obnoxious weirdness throughout. If certain elements were changed, this might actually be a slight decent film but instead it's a bizarre jumble of weird art imagery and random lines of exposition that are meant to somehow sound deep and complex but just come across as laughable and weird.

Despite how mentally confusing it is, I still found myself laughing at the end because of how unbelievably, terribly enjoyable it was. Therefore, I seriously recommend it. It's a bizarre mess that I can honestly say is a must see bad movie feature. However, be prepared for your brain to be frazzled to the point of lunacy fueled laughter. It's a very bad movie but a very unique one, in that it is so pretentious, it makes a hilarious tale that honestly at this point I just feel is the repressed mind of either Sean Connery or John Boorman.

This may be a terrible confusing mess of a film but it is still painfully fun to watch. To the point that I have now come to realize, there is only Zardoz.

Zardoz speaks to you,

Zardoz is great,

You will now only hear Zardoz,

For there is only Zardoz,

Worship Zardoz your God,

For the Gun is good, the Penis is evil

The Gun is Good, The Penis is Evil

The Gun is Good, The Penis is Evil