"Well that was a mistake"; A Bad Movie Review of Dolly Dearest (1991, Maria Lease)

I really hate dolls in horror movies. Don't get me wrong, I don't find them scary. I find them to be the poorest excuse for a horror antagonist ever conceived. They may be creepy set props but you can not honestly be scared of a doll coming at you with a knife or chainsaw. Ok well, in the ludicrous hypothetical scenario of that happening you'd likely be shitting you pants in terror but as trash movies go, it is a hilarious trope of film making failure. Fair enough if your film is tongue and cheek and not entirely serious, you can pull it off and have something that is genuinely fun and humorous to watch.

However with this film in particular, it certainly wasn't in that bracket. According to its Wikipedia entry, Dolly Dearest (1991, Maria Lease) is a black comedy, horror film. There honestly was nothing comedic about it. The only time I laughed was at the ridiculous doll jump scares, one time of which I swear the doll was barking like a dog! It was a truly golden hilarious experience, equivalent to that of the Muppet's, rather then a 90's horror feature.

I just wish the rest of the film was that hilarious. More than anything with this particular feature it just came across as severely mediocre, which is no surprise as it has the exact same story as every Chucky (1988, Tom Holland) knock off doll horror movie. The child finds the doll, starts acting creepy. Then the mommy realizes its the doll and the doll tries to make the mother seem insane until it is too late for everyone else!

However, despite myself calling it mediocre, its tone is actually very inconsistent. It keeps on switching between dramatic, silly, hilarious and boring. Mostly the latter regrettably. Making this film possibly one of the biggest teases in horror cinema. It is incredibly annoying because when I watch a bad film, I wish to know if I'm going to be severely traumatized with either cringe, laughter, boredom or depravity! This film of course was boredom but it was so boring that I can honestly say I was too bored to be traumatized by it. Which for a bad movie fan, like myself, is a very strange sensation, and I don't bloody well like it!

There aren't even any over the top performances or even good performances for you to revel in delight in. From what I saw all the characters are bland and undeveloped wastes of on-screen existence. Only three specific characters and performances stood out for me. Firstly, the Mother, played by Denise Crosby, who I feel just gives a very average performance really. I mainly just like her because of her portrayal of Tasha Yar in Star Trek: The Next Generation (1987 - 1994, Gene Roddenberry). Why did they have to suddenly have to kill you off in Season 1, god damn it!

There is also the brother who I have dubbed 'Nerdy Kid', as that is literally all his character is! He is a full on Nerd stereotype, one that is so cringey it made me want to violently eject all of my stomachs contents! The only other unique character, is the doll, that I swear must have just been pissed of when its audition for the Muppet's was rejected. Aside from the smokers dead throat voice, the rest of its performance was like something out of a cartoon.

Now I do believe they were doing this to try to give a comedic edge to the story but I honestly cannot tell, as every other event, character (except for Nerdy Kid) and atmospheric trigger is played off so serious and dramatic! Its so confusing and full of mixed signals that it honestly just pisses me off! The story itself leaves much to be desired, to sum it up, an American family buy a run down doll factory in Mexico, that just so happens to be a few feet away from an archeological dig site. Specifically is is the tomb of a made up Ancient Central American tribe, who also happened to be Satanic worshipers!

Which really does not make any sense, as if they were that Ancient they would likely not have a lot of contact with that area of religious mythology! To top it off this, tribe was apparently attempting to create a demon child, the Anti-Christ and it is his tomb that lies at the dig site and his soul that possess the dolls in the factory. The rest of the story is honestly quite forgettable.

The last seventeen minutes of the film is only slightly enjoyable as we see the family try to blow up the dolls with shotguns and dynamite but yet again it suffers from that inconsistent tone of dramatic, serious, hilarious and boring! It could have had an amazingly bad finale there and actually could have given me one ounce of at least some entertainment. Instead we got a very bad and very boring film.

This was a bad choice for a review. I could have been watching a hilarious B movie about NAZI ZOMBIES RIDING FLYING SHARKS (yes, that is an actual real film) but instead I ended up with this film. A film so boring it makes my Year 7 Art Teacher seem like a very high Tim Curry. Don't watch it, don't waste your time, allow your brain some actual form of engagement if you're planning to explore the depths of schlock cinema. This film certainly isn't worth it!