"Well that was a mistake.": A Bad Movie Review of Spiceworld (1997, Bob Spiers)
What the fuck was wrong with the 90's?
This was a mistake. A very big mistake. I wish I never ever remembered that this even existed. This movie, is a huge random mess. I cannot comprehend how this film came into being, how any decent writer, director or producer would come up with such an insane drug trip, that would put David Lynch to shame.
Only eighteen minutes in and my brain was already turning to mush and questioning the very integrity of the decade that I grew up in. Even now as I write this, my brain is struggling to comprehend and describe the nightmare that I just witnessed. All for another bloody bad movie review.
Funny thing is, I've seen worse films! I've sat through Jaws 5: Cruel Jaws (1995, Bruno Mattei) and nearly committed myself for a lobotomy but I didn't end up going that far with this film. Its so random, incomprehensible and cringey that it is honestly laughable. Unfortunately no matter how many times I wanted to laugh, my brain kept saying no! WE CAN'T GIVE THE FOUL CREATION EVEN ONE LITTLE HINT OF SATISFACTION!
In order for you to comprehend this travesty of a film, let me take you through the plots. Yes you read that correctly. I said plots. Not plot. By my count, there are about six main plots within this film. Not including the hundreds of random sketches and celebrity cameos to deviate us from any comprehensible meaning of the word story. Cameos which include butchered delights such as Elton John, Stephen Fry, Richard O'Brien, Jennifer Saunders and Michael Barrymore (Yes, alleged sex assaulter and pool murderer Michael Barrymore). Plus many more unneeded names and personalities.
Anyway, so the plots. Right brace yourself. So I at least think the main story line, is that the Spice Girls are prepping for their next live show. With Richard E Grant as their manager, who is in some passionate flirtatious pigeon murder talk with executive Roger Moore. Which I think was some baffling attempt at comedy. With them is also Meat Loaf, who happens to be driving their union jack Tardis sized tour bus.
Now at the same time as this, Alan Cummings is a documentary maker failing to shoot a documentary of the Spice Girls. Then while this is happening, the Spice Girls have a random friend they treat like shit and who happens to be pregnant. To make matters worse, an evil tabloid paper who wants to get their live show cancelled, hires a creepy tabloid photographer to expose their controversial private goings on.
But that's not all! At the same time a random American producer and filmmaker who saw them on TV, wants to make a movie about the Spice Girls. They then consistently fail to impress Richard E Grant with their failed pitches throughout the film. However, he eventually agrees and they start to make the movie, and it turns out its this movie! We have been watching the movie the whole time! What amazing fourth wall breaking bullshit is this!
There is even one point, where I honestly swear to you, aliens show up. Yes, aliens show up, trying to get tickets to their live show. Yep I'm not making this up! This happens! Weird, frankly disturbing aliens show up. Its like a Facehugger got into the munchkin village and the end result mated with the Whovilles from The Grinch (2000, Ron Howard)! That is how horrific it is!
If your mind, is not fucked after that minor plot summary, then you are as insane as this film. If there are any drug users reading this review. Stop what you're doing. Stop taking the drugs. Stop taking all the drugs. You no longer need them. All you have to do, is watch this living ball of cringe and you will have the most epic, yet terrifying and regrettable, high of life.
This seriously does not feel like a legit film. No right minded producer would green light this and no competent screenwriter would write this. The whole thing, with its constant deviations, appalling dialogue, questionable directorial choices and cringe worthy comedy, it is more like a six year olds fan fiction of the Spice Girls, then any form of legitimate cinema.
Usually, being a bad movie fan, I've found that the 90's is a treasure trove of glorious trash. This film is however what was buried deep beneath that trove. This is the nuclear waste of the 90's. Despite this however, I still actually recommend it, if you're daring enough to face such cringe. It will actually give you a laugh but it will be a laugh that you regret and will mentally scar you, for the rest of your life.
It cannot be unseen, it will never go away! My only consolation is the possibility that this review will encourage you to watch it and you as well, will suffer as I have suffered.