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A Short Review of Cats (2019, Tom Hooper)

by Craig York 2 years ago in review

A train wreck of demonic, feline debauchery!

Why did I watch this film? Why? WHY?

I mean considering the original musical trailer actually scarred me as a child, surely I shouldn't have gone to see this potentially mortifying, cat fuelled extravaganza. Well this CGI adaptation of the popular stage play surprisingly didn't have the same effect as that trailer but it is was enough to make my brain turn to mush and question the very fabric of my own existence. Not in a good way! The film was so terrible I had to contemplate what existential force placed it into being! The torment was so high I think it was the only way I survived!

Why anyone could watch this film and somehow make any coherent sense out of it, is beyond me. Everything about this film is random. There is no structure, no coherent characters, no clear conflict, no journey, or development of the main character, meaning there is absolutely no relation or empathy whatsoever to any of the bizarre fuckery happening before your eyes on the cinema screen. It is a factor so terrible I felt like Alex in A Clockwork Orange (1971, Stanley Kubrick), bound in a straight jacket and my eyes forced open as I'm forced to watch the terrible imagery playing out on screen!

Everything just randomly happens, very annoyingly and very in your face. Which honestly seems very typical of Andrew Lloyd Webbers work. Random, with no purpose or intention. Which begs the question, why the hell adapt it into a film?! Even the songs are very much random and annoying. There was not a single ounce of passion I could feel while my ears were subjected to deafening and obnoxious torture. They are frankly so generic, poorly written, shot and placed that they are have no clear effect or enhancement on the story.

It made me weep in sorrow for Dame Judi Dench and Sir Ian Mckellen being reduced to this. Usually I love them and find them truly amazing. Ray Winstone and Rebel Wilson played a small part but even then they didn't make much of an impact. James Corden can fuck off! He is irritating enough in real life, never mind in this train wreck of feline debauchery.

The rest of the cast? I have no idea who the rest of the cast is. All of the other characters were so random and unmemorable that my brain has drawn a complete blank. I am left so uninterested by it, that I can't even be arsed to get up and Google it. Plus I did not want to see the horrific imagery of the disturbing demonic mutant entity known as a Jellicle! Which in this film has only been dramatically enhanced an eroticised by some form of forbidden dark magical CGI ritual!

The effects were already terrible to begin with, I'm pretty sure in the majority of shots they had no idea about real life size of a cat. Which given it is the title of the film, you'd think they could have at least gotten that right but no! Instead we got dancing holy abominations of hell that would frankly even make Furries feel uncomfortable!

Surprisingly I have found people actually liking this film. Unironically as well! Which for me is one of the most bizarre things about this film yet. However, if you are one of those people who for some reason purely likes it for reasons other than laughing at how terrible it is, that is fine. Go ahead and enjoy it but do not include me in this drug like experiment of bad taste and horrific imagery. I may not have been massively traumatised by this film like I thought I would be but that does not mean I wish to view upon this feline fuckery again!

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm about to call an exorcist and wash my eyes out with bleach!


Craig York

A film nut job who one day got bored and decided to write some film reviews.

Read next: Willy's Wonderland #1

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