Cassey Dale
Bio
I have been traveling through the journey of grief for about 8 years now. Life is not what it used to be. My life is now foreign and I have to rebuild myself.
Stories (11/0)
A Whiskey Lullaby
Sometimes late at night, the air has a familiarity to it. Like some type of time portal blowing in the wind. Everything becomes so raw in the middle of the night. This familiarity the wind carries reminds me of feeling uneasy… tense…numb…confused. The taste of whiskey brings me to my knees. The taste that lingers, tastes just like you. As I play with the thoughts in my head, the memories… as they dance around… that last one to dance is the whiskey on your breath. Silence doesn’t bother me. It’s the only way I can listen for your voice… whispering with the wind through the trees. This is the only time that time stands still. Listen… I need to say that every once in awhile, I’m not okay. Going through the familiarity leaves me feeling empty. That’s why I can only come visit every once in awhile. The familiarity brings darkness. It’s a dangerous highway. It could swallow me whole. So I must not stay too long…
By Cassey Dale2 years ago in Families
A Whiskey Lullaby
It had been about eight long months since Cody left us. Eight long months of being a terrible, drunk, grief stricken mother. My kids and I had began to settle into our new lives with just us four. Eight months ago I had a beautiful family. We were on our way to bigger and better things. Now we were broken. Fragile. Lost. For me, it hurt to see other families together doing family things. It hurt to see dads with their kids. It hurt my kids to see dads with their kids. And it especially hurt on Fathers Day when you see kids doing things with their daddy’s but my kids got that taken from them. To this day, it hurts to see that. It actually makes me cry just typing it. Its not fair… and I’m not sure if I’ll ever see it any different.
By Cassey Dale2 years ago in Families
A Whiskey Lullaby
The following months were a blur. I spent all of my days either in my bed, driving around, or out getting drunk. I completely lost myself. This is the part of my story where it gets rough. You will probably cast judgement on me or be disappointed in me. This is the way grief works. If you’re currently going through grief, you understand. The important thing is, I made it through this alive and healthy and I became a better person through this storm.
By Cassey Dale2 years ago in Families
A Whiskey Lullaby
The weather was rainy, cold, and foggy. I parked behind the hearse at the church. I really didn’t want to go inside. I really didn’t want to face this cold, harsh, heartbreaking reality. What I really wanted to do was go back to my bed, under the covers, and cry so hard that my face turns inside out. Walking into the church there’s poster boards full of Codys life. I’m trying to stuff my feelings down so I can get through today so I don’t spend too much time looking at those. I glance past the poster boards beyond the double doors down the aisle where the alter is. With the most heaviest of hearts I started to slowly walk down the aisle… like a wedding. I have my Jordan by my side. I look up at this giant canvas of Codys face in the middle of other big canvases of my little family. His urn was in front of the giant canvas picture. I locked eyes with the eyes in Codys picture and just broke down. I couldn’t be there much longer or it would draw attention. I just didn’t like to break down in front of other people. I left before anyone could come comfort me.
By Cassey Dale2 years ago in Families
A Whiskey Lullaby
Waking up was like waking up into a completely different life. A dark, shattered, lonely life. Yesterday my life was great! I was happy! I was in a good place. Life was just starting to go smooth for us. That all just disappeared over night. In one second. The world is now in slow motion. The voices around me are all muffled. Exactly how they make it out in the movies. Distant. Detached. Just. My kids didn’t know about what had happened. I had told them that daddy is at work. They were too young to question why we weren’t staying at home. As soon as I came out of the bedroom at my parents house, I knew reality had to be faced today. The news of Codys death had circulated over night and my phone was blowing up with notifications on social media and sympathy texts. Loving people that were friends of mine and Codys wanted to help in any way they could.
By Cassey Dale2 years ago in Families
A Whiskey Lullaby
The day was October 3rd, 2014. The air was cool, the sun was shining bright, it was a beautiful Friday. Cody and I usually get off work at about the same time and our Friday routines would be to go have a drink together before we had to go get the kids from daycare. I got off work at about 3:30pm and went home to park my work van. Cody was anxiously waiting at home for me. We decided to meet my parents at a restaurant, Sammies, to have a drink with them. After Sammies, my parents asked if we wanted to go to their house and continue drinking after we picked the kids up. So that was our plan. We picked the kids up and got to my parents house before they got there. I had to use the bathroom really bad at that point, so I went around to my parents alley and popped a squat. Cody also had to use the bathroom, so he followed me. He finished before I did and took his phone out of his pocket and started to record me peeing in the alley. “I’m gonna share this on Facebook for the whole world to see!” He laughed. I laugh with him. “If you do that then everyone will see my butt!” That changed his mind. Cody was the type of guy that didn’t approve of me wearing outfits that showed too much skin. Or if a guy looked at me, Codys feathers would get ruffled and he would confront the dude. So I was confident the video would never hit the internet because it showed my butt.
By Cassey Dale2 years ago in Families
A Whiskey Lullaby
The next three years together were some of the wildest times of my life. Together we partied all night long most nights. My friends became his friends and his friends became my friends. We became a group of friends living our best life. We were two young lovers trying to escape a curfew and roam the streets at night in the hot summer nights. I had two miscarriages at the ages of seventeen and eighteen. When I turned nineteen I got pregnant again for the third time with our first son, Jordan. One short month after he was born, Cody and I got married. I married my best friend, and I brought a beautiful baby boy into this world that was made with love. Life was simply beautiful. Life with Cody was an adventure.
By Cassey Dale2 years ago in Families
A Whiskey Lullaby
It was about three weeks after school got out. I'm laying in my bed getting ready to snooze off for the night, when I remembered... D-Loc... My mind starts wandering. Who is D-Loc and what does he want? Is he real? Is it just a mean girl prank? The curiosity is eating at me now. Well it's time to find out. I picked up the phone and punch in the numbers, ***-9999. It rings several times, and I think... it's probably time to hang up now. As I'm about to hang up, a sleepy male voice answers the phone. I panic! He says hello again but this time louder. "Who is this?" He had to of picked up who was calling him by now. He answers, "D-Loc." I said, "I don't know a D-Loc!" He ended the conversation with, "I'm sleeping, can I call you tomorrow?" I agreed and hung up the phone. Well that got me no where. I didn't look forward to talking with him tomorrow. It was a little frustrating. I put it to rest and went to bed.
By Cassey Dale2 years ago in Families
A Whiskey Lullaby
Lets rewind and be kids again. Back before most of our favorite people existed. Before the heart felt it's first sting. Before we knew that sunsets could be unbearable. Or how tomorrow really never is promised. Lets rewind so it doesn't hurt so bad. When a breath of fresh air was everywhere. When sunrises were beautiful. When things were whole. How beautiful it was to step outside and love all that existed. So clear... and sunny. Nature so vivid, alive, and clear. The noise of life never sounded so beautiful. Now we are here, where the clouds always linger. And the sound of life is no longer joyful...
By Cassey Dale2 years ago in Families
Dark is My New Light
When I was a kid darkness was terrifying. I remember running up the stairs as fast as I could right after I shut the light off in the basement. Or taking a running leap to my bed after shutting the lights out at bedtime. Random noises in the night, like dented pop bottles filling with air during the middle of the night making a popping noise. Darkness was unwelcome.
By Cassey Dale2 years ago in Poets
On Suicide - A Widows Perspective
Start writing... 8 years ago I became a young widow at age 26 with 3 young children to raise on my own after my husband committed suicide. It has been 8 long and exhausting years. In the search to find myself I have stumbled across countless triggers and blows to my self-esteem. I avoided my grief throughout those 8 years only to discover that I can no longer feel emotion and I have lost the ability to show love. This has created a large distance between me and my loved ones. I completely shut down and shut everyone out. I not only have to heal my heart, but I have to heal 3 other little hearts as well. I discovered that I just don't have the time, motivation, energy, or patience to keep up with the world around me, let alone be apart of society. It has been 8 years and I have finally accepted that this is my life. I have to let go of trying to find the girl I once was because its just mentally exhausting and impossible. I have to close that book and start a new one. I created a video to tell my story because it provides a raw perspective on life after suicide and how committing suicide passes the pain onto someone else. You see, if my husband were to ask for help, I imagine him to be thriving today. He would be so glad that he had chose to stay and see how beautiful it is to watch his kids blossom and grow into their personalities. Instead, he gave up and passed on an incredible amount of deep pain that his children and I will now have to carry for the rest of our lives. It isn't fair that his children never get to experience him. It isn't fair that my children have to grow up without a daddy. It isn't fair that he flipped the ending to my happily ever after. I can go on and on about the things that are unfair to me but that's not what matters most. What matters most is that once someone commits suicide, someone is left to make sense of it.
By Cassey Dale2 years ago in Psyche
