A Whiskey Lullaby

The day was October 3rd, 2014. The air was cool, the sun was shining bright, it was a beautiful Friday. Cody and I usually get off work at about the same time and our Friday routines would be to go have a drink together before we had to go get the kids from daycare. I got off work at about 3:30pm and went home to park my work van. Cody was anxiously waiting at home for me. We decided to meet my parents at a restaurant, Sammies, to have a drink with them. After Sammies, my parents asked if we wanted to go to their house and continue drinking after we picked the kids up. So that was our plan. We picked the kids up and got to my parents house before they got there. I had to use the bathroom really bad at that point, so I went around to my parents alley and popped a squat. Cody also had to use the bathroom, so he followed me. He finished before I did and took his phone out of his pocket and started to record me peeing in the alley. “I’m gonna share this on Facebook for the whole world to see!” He laughed. I laugh with him. “If you do that then everyone will see my butt!” That changed his mind. Cody was the type of guy that didn’t approve of me wearing outfits that showed too much skin. Or if a guy looked at me, Codys feathers would get ruffled and he would confront the dude. So I was confident the video would never hit the internet because it showed my butt.

My parents got there and we all sat in their backyard like we always do on the warm weathered weekends. They have a gorgeous backyard. My mom has a green thumb, and well I guess my dad just enjoys and takes care of what she grows. The grass is vividly green and well groomed. They built a low deck in the center of their yard with a type of canopy tarp covering it. They have a nice set up on the deck with furniture. Trees planted all around the deck for full shade. It’s just really beautiful, peaceful and relaxing to be out there. The night went well. Lots of laughs, jokes, and meaningful conversations. We left right about when the sun went down. Cody and I headed home and put the kids to bed. To us, the night was still young, as were we. So we invited over a few friends to have even more drinks.

Friends show up and at about this time it was around 9pm I would say. We got the music going and the girls and I are dancing away and reminiscing about the old times. Cody ends up coming up to me and telling me that he owes his friend money and needs to go pay him now, and that he will be right back. So I let him go, and continue dancing with the girls. An hour goes by and the girls decide their going to leave to a party. A couple of Codys buddies by the nicknames of “Cornbread” and “Beans” show up at this time, which are also our neighbors, wanting to have some drinks with Cody. I told them Cody went to run an errand but should be back by now, so they can just hang out until he gets back. I called Codys phone a few times and it would ring a couple of times and go to voicemail. That kind of ring where you know the person your calling is pressing the ignore button. I sent him a few texts out telling him his friends are at the house waiting for him and to hurry up. While waiting on Cody, we built a fire and sat outside and conversed for awhile. My blood is just starting to boil more and more as the time passes. It’s been longer than it should have taken, so now I know he wasn’t going to pay someone money he owes… he had other plans that he knew I wouldn’t approve of. I know it. He’s probably sitting at a bar.

At about 11:30pm Cody finally pulls up. He stumbles out of the car with a bottle of Crown Royal. It was about half empty. I was fuming mad at him so I did what I normally did when he came home from the bar drunk. I ignored him and went to lay down with the kids. I always feel safer laying with my kids because I know he won’t try to choke me in front of our kids. I went to the boys’ room and seen that Christopher was awake watching a movie still. Christopher is my youngest son, which was three years old at this time. I snuggled up next to him. Their bedroom window is right next to where Cody and his friends were at drinking by the fire. So I can hear them. Loudly laughing and conversing. His friends left at about midnight and Cody comes inside. He opens the boys bedroom door and asks me why I’m laying in there. “Because I don’t want to lay with you. I’m mad at you for going to the bar and ignoring your phone calls again!” “Just come lay in bed with me please baby!” he pleads. Another reason I refused to go back there and lay down with him was because when Cody was highly intoxicated, he peed the bed, every time. There was no maybe. It was HE WILL pee the bed. And I would wake up in a puddle and have to change my clothes and sleep somewhere else. No. I just wanted to go to sleep and wake up in the morning dry and start fresh. I kept telling him no. He wasn’t having that answer. He grabbed the door and ripped it off the hinges and yelled, “FINE! I’ll just kill myself then!” My response… “I don’t care!” I just wanted him to go to bed. Just go to sleep and we will talk in the morning. I cared if he did… but that’s not going to happen so just go to bed. I remembered the guns that Josh had asked Cody to keep at our house. But he said they weren’t loaded. I’m mad at this point and just want some sleep! So I called Josh and asked him if he would come get his guns because Cody was belligerently drunk, threatening to kill himself. He told me he had been drinking and is on probation so he shouldn’t be driving right now. Ok then, I hung up the phone. Maybe he will lay down and go to sleep. After all… the guns aren’t loaded.

It was a couple minutes since he stormed off toward our bedroom, and I heard a loud click noise. What was that? I leaned up in Christophers bed and peered down the hallway towards mine and Codys bedroom. It was definitely a noise that needed to be investigated. I got up from Christophers bed, he was still wide awake, I mean who could sleep through all that. I told him, “I’ll be right back I’m going to see what that noise was.” We lived in a trailer house with the boys bedroom being on one end and our bedroom being on the other end. Our daughter, Deyjahs bedroom was right next to our bedroom. I tip toed down the hallway towards our bedroom so Cody couldn’t hear me coming to investigate what noises he was making. It was oddly silent now. No sounds of movement. I walk down the hallway towards our bedroom. Our bedroom light was on. I slowly peeked in the door way. I see Codys feet. I know he’s laying on the bed. I peek my head around the doorway to my right. Cody was laying on the bed, dressed, shoes an all. I looked at him from feet then to head. When I got to his head I seen a hole filled with blood in the center of his forehead. Steam was escaping from the blood filled hole. I immediately knew now what that noise was. Cody had shot himself in the head! NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! My own soul fled from my body as I started screaming. I took off running towards the boys room. I grabbed my cell phone and with shaky hands attempted to dial 911 a few times before I finally was able to put the right numbers in from shaking so much and dropping my phone. “911 where is your emergency?” “My husband just shot himself! He’s GONE!” I cried out. The lady on the other line got my address and told me help is on the way. “I can hear the sirens now! I’m going to hang up so I can call my parents!” I called my moms phone but no answer. I called my dad and he picked up with a sleepy voice. I was hysterically crying to he knew something was wrong. “What’s wrong?! What happened?!” He asks. I cried out to him, “Cody shot himself!” He asked, “Is he dead?!” “YES!!!” He let out a heavy sigh and told me he would be right there and hung up. My neighbor and Codys friend, Cornbread, came frantically running in the house, “What happened?! I was just here!” I told him, “Cody shot himself… he’s gone…” He got up like he couldn’t believe it and started to head towards our bedroom, “No way! I was just here!” Police men stood in the way and wouldn’t let him go past the kitchen. It was now a crime scene that needed investigated. I called Josh back and told him what happened. Just secretly agitated that the supposedly unloaded guns were actually loaded, and he failed to come get his guns and preventing this from happening. I wanted him to hear my pain.

My parents arrived and ran in. At this time my house was filled with police men and first responders. I remember sitting on the coffee table in my living room just pouting, trying to grasp what just happened. I look up and seen all the police officers and first responders standing all around my house with their hands clasped together, watching me break down. Their faces filled with concern. My parents collected my children and started out the door. My kids, sleepy eyed and looking around confused, “why so many flashing lights?” “Why so many cops?” “Why is mommy so sad?” “Where are we going?” We get to my parents house and all I can do is stare off into space and think about ways that I can tell if this is real or not. What if Cody was kidding? I stood up, “I can go home now! None of this is real!” After all, the guns were not loaded. My mom sat me back down and looked me in the eyes, “No babe, this is real.” I’m not even sure who notified Codys sister or dad but they were notified. Mine and Codys close friends showed up at my parents house in the middle of the night to comfort me. They too, trying to figure out if this was real. Codys sister arrived. She looked just as lost as I was. The first stage of grief was already setting in, denial. We were already trying to deny that this happened. For me, the denial stage lasted awhile. My dad gave me one of his pain pills so I can maybe get some sleep that night. I maybe slept an hour total before waking to an even more crushed feeling.

To be Continued….