BioI am a broke college student that is pretty much alone in the world. I'm working on my bachelor's in psychology and then I am going to start my Master's as well as a degree in anthropology. plus I love to write.
Loving Someone Who Can't Love You Back!
I can still remember the day I met Alex; we just connected like no other, and from day one our relationship was a whirlwind, and we kicked things off pretty hot. The two of us were virtually inseparable, even though he lived a half hour away, and neither of us owned our own car… we always found a way to be together. There was a weekend that we went camping after being together for just a month, and things were going so well. Or so I thought…
Being Diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)
What is Borderline Personality Disorder? It is a mental illness that causes varying mood swings, issues with one's self-image, and behavior problems. BPD can also cause very impulsive behavior… making the patient do pretty irrational things. Patients with this mental illness might also experience episodes of anger, depression, and anxiety that can last anywhere from hours to days. Their opinions of certain people, even friends can change very quickly… kind of like with the snap of a finger. In fact, it is those shifting feelings that can lead to rocky or unstable relationships. So, this sounds like a fun disorder doesn’t it? Well, it’s not! I know for a fact, because it is one that I happen to suffer from, and my therapist actually told me that it probably developed from a trauma early in my life that was not properly handled. But anyways, that is just one of the risk factors, and I wanted to write this to hopefully raise some awareness, because it seems as though mental health issues happen to be on the rise, and people should be made aware.
I'm Sorry I'm Not the Perfect Daughter...
I was by no means the perfect daughter in my early twenties, and growing up I tried so hard to make my family proud, but no matter what I did it was no use, because my dad wanted no reminders of my birth mother in his life… Yet there I was; just a constant reminder of the disaster that she was. This is my story in just a brief version, and let me start from the beginning… almost the beginning.
Living with PTSD
Let me start by saying that I get it! I understand now that living with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) is a continuous daily challenge. Nothing but an uphill battle, and I have struggled with it my entire life. What I am about to confess are things that no one else knows, so secret is out now I suppose. Everyone that I surround myself with all assumed that I had no real issues. My mother even told me at one point that I handle myself very well all things considered. However, they don’t know what demons I have to battle on a daily basis underneath the surface. But is that not always the case? No one ever really asks what is going on… and if they do… do they ever really care?
No Means No
In early 2011, I was raped. Not by one person but by two people. Gang members in fact. It was on that night that my world came shattering down around me that I realized I was in fact not as strong as I once thought I was. Little did I know at the time the burden that I was about to have to bear.
What People Don't Tell You About Surviving...
Once again, it is going on five in the morning and once again I lay in my bed with eyes wide open. My mind just un-willing to shut down no matter how tired I become. I always know that once night falls, the memories will inevitably come falling back. And the no…the reason, because I can’t sleep, isn’t because I am scared of the dark. It is because I know deep inside what lives in the dark as well as what kind of monsters rear their ugly heads once night falls. I can remember!
My Second Worst Date
I have learned going through my 20s that I have a little bit of a bad taste in men. That I tend to be more attracted to the bad boy type. Don’t get me wrong; there have been nice guys that have had the hots for me, in a manner of speaking. But I have this problem with blowing them off when they ask me out and instead going out with the bad ones. This is a prime example…
Worst Date Ever!
As a child, I thought that when I grew up, I would meet the man of my dreams. Fall madly in love, get married, and settle down. With the white picket fence nonsense. However, I think we all know that fairy tales do not exist or so I quickly discovered after turning 18. Now I’m 28 and still trying to find mister right. Guess it’s safe to say that my taste in men has room for improvement.
Let me start by saying, every fiber of my being is screaming for me to shut off my computer, walk away, and keep this to myself. It’s my story and my pain. My cross to bear so to speak. However, I feel as though if I might share my story, then maybe it could help others that might have gone through similar situations. It has actually been a few years since the accident, but it took me a year before I could speak of it and when I did it was to my longtime childhood friend. She and I are just like sisters; she is the only one I have trusted with my secret until now. But since then, I have replayed the scene over and over in my mind, wondering what I could have done differently, when in reality there is most likely nothing that could have been done differently. There is still anger and frustration that bubbles inside of me because I am still trying to come to terms with it. Recently I began therapy for PTSD, which for years I have struggled with, nightmares and the whole nine yards.
My Unseen Recovery
Sometimes we wake up one morning and struggle with comprehending how we got to where we are right now. This is something that happens to me nearly every morning during my morning coffee as I sit at my kitchen table and reminisce about the "good ole days." The days when I knew exactly who I was as a person. Today I can honestly say that I do not recognize the person that I see staring back at me when I look in the mirror anymore.
Let me start by saying that my anxiety was manageable at first. Sure things would give me panic attacks, but I knew how to avoid them and what I needed to do to take care of my anxiety issues. I use to view myself as a survivor. Thinking that if I could get thru what I had already than nothing else mattered. What I mean by that is…my mother had abandoned me, I dealt with child abuse of every variety you could imagine, and then just when I thought it was over I had lost my chance at college due to funding.
Virginity, My Old Friend
I think there is some part of each of us that remembers the first time we had sex. It is a time that is burned into our memories for the rest of our lives… at least, for some. Whether your first time was with someone you loved, special or not, or maybe you don’t even remember the person’s name, we all at least remember the deed.