Being Diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)
Being Held Captive inside of Myself
What is Borderline Personality Disorder? It is a mental illness that causes varying mood swings, issues with one's self-image, and behavior problems. BPD can also cause very impulsive behavior… making the patient do pretty irrational things. Patients with this mental illness might also experience episodes of anger, depression, and anxiety that can last anywhere from hours to days. Their opinions of certain people, even friends can change very quickly… kind of like with the snap of a finger. In fact, it is those shifting feelings that can lead to rocky or unstable relationships. So, this sounds like a fun disorder doesn’t it? Well, it’s not! I know for a fact, because it is one that I happen to suffer from, and my therapist actually told me that it probably developed from a trauma early in my life that was not properly handled. But anyways, that is just one of the risk factors, and I wanted to write this to hopefully raise some awareness, because it seems as though mental health issues happen to be on the rise, and people should be made aware.
One of the symptoms that I deal with that is the most difficult would be impulse control, because when I am on a down or feeling sad all I want to do is spend money… I blew through eight hundred dollars in one day three months ago. And then, of course, I got depressed about spending the money so I stayed in bed for a week, but that is just how it goes sometimes. I am also an addict; recovered of course, but once an addict always an addict… but when I was using my impulse control, that played a role there too, and I overdosed three times. The third time was really a wake-up call, and that was when I was actually diagnosed with BPD; which made total sense. Another symptom that seems to be an issue with me is the need to avoid abandonment, which goes back to my childhood and my mother abandoning me… I have a bad habit of having to walk away from people before they get the chance to leave me. Which leads to terrible relationships—that and my anger issues, which have been there my whole life. Plus I just don’t trust people, which could either be from my childhood or from the BPD. We haven't figured it out just yet. But I also have mood swings at times, which I have learned to control for the most part, but for instance yesterday I was so happy, and nothing could go wrong… today, I haven't left my bed all day. There have been times where I haven’t been able to leave my bed for days, not for lack of trying.
Personally, I have found that with Prozac, as well as therapy, my symptoms have become easier to handle. However, there are still off days like with any mental health disorder. I do also take sleeping medication otherwise I won’t sleep, and therapy is literally three days a week, so it can take a lot out of me. And some days I see no point in even trying, because it does seem like nothing will ever get better, like now. Right now there is an emptiness that I just can’t put into words. It’s a chronic emptiness that comes and goes, where I feel literally nothing. Not happy, not sad, not hopeful, and not hopeless… it is really hard to explain.
I really hope this gives someone a touch of hope… you're not alone, and with the rise of mental health issues, we should raise awareness, as well as inform others. Just my opinion of course. Because I have heard people call individuals with mental health disorders crazy and such. It is time we shed light on such issues and toss that stigma out the door… so to speak.
At the end of the day, all we really want is to be in control of our own actions. I for one know that I am sick of not having control...