That night nov 18, 2017, I was sleeping when “Mr. Walking Hard On” needed to get laid. I must’ve not been cooperative as balled fists filled with who knows what emotion came flying at my face as a my wake up call.
I remember being around 14 years old, in a "fight" with some friends and saying to my mom, "Who needs friends anyway?" She laughed at me and said "Girl, every woman needs a good group of girlfriends. You'll see." At 38 years old, that was probably the truest thing I've been told. I have always been what you could call a "serial friend audition-er"; meaning anyone could get a shot, but the likelihood of survival was slim. My personality is complex and thus requires connections with simple but varying personalities that share, well, anything in common with one of the people living in my head.
It’s easy to get caught up in the magic and nostalgia of old-fashioned fairytales without considering what underlying messages they may convey. Of course parents aren’t telling their kids stories with the intention of giving them an unhealthy idea of relationships. Regardless, this may be what is happening. There is a stereotype of women getting into relationships with toxic men in the hopes of “fixing” them. Many of us saw a great example of this shortly after the release of the film Joker (2019) in the form of a meme, a tweet by @TamiDaBushPilot that read “*watching the Joker movie* (under breath) …I could fix him”. Just like most stereotypes, this was derived from a real-life pattern. This begs the question of just why so many women find themselves drawn to troubled men. For the purposes of this article, we’ll stick with the example of a heterosexual relationship wherein the woman wants to “fix” the man, simply because that’s what the stereotype commonly refers to.
Finding a potential mate in life is quite frankly a blisteringly daunting task for anyone, it was in the past, still is today, and more likely than not it will be for the foreseeable future, unfortunately. Though I would like to take a moment to example some clearly s***ty reasons why some people need to always be left alone. This refers to the narcissists, wallowers, drama seekers, etc. Now in some cases, I agree that it is unmerited because the dator is really worthy of a great datee especially if both are willing to put in the time and work to make something of the connection experienced. However, more often than not those who are getting left in the dust aren’t as date-worthy as they think they are. In my opinion of course. Feel free to agree to disagree but here is some food for thought.
A kiss used to mean something to me. This time last year, I had only ever kissed three people.
I say I kissed them because I was a happy, active participant. I can't count the men who have kissed me that way anymore, and while that slight change in language could probably be easily overlooked, that realization hurts me more than I can explain.
At first you're afraid of being alone. Maybe you came from a home that felt more like a battleground; where you were equal measures 'spoil of battle' and 'prisoner of war'. Maybe you heard one too many backhanded compliments as you became a woman.
I would like to think that I am unique, but maybe you have similar experiences. At my age it is easy to say that I have an extensive dating resume. Think back to all of the guys you dated, had sex with, kissed, touched, dreamt about. What would your dating resume reveal about you?
Were I a grandfather clock, female friendships would be the pendulum keeping time ticking; keepers of (life)time, friendships lodged deep in my core – suspended, swaying, rooted.
Let me be completely candid with you, dear reader: I have never been familiar with romantic relationships. Call it whatever you like– shyness, fear, awkwardness– I hadn’t so much as even been asked out by someone. For the majority of my life thus far, I have been incredibly #single, so when my friend Jen (name changed for anonymity, of course) asked me for relationship advice, my response was, “Why? Mine literally happened on accident.”
The cultural mainstream relentlessly promotes the extremely toxic concept of women as saviors for broken men, glorifying gender-based violence in the process. “After” by Anna Todd is yet another infuriating example.
The women who inspired me and left an indelible mark in my life -a catalyst to say is Billie. I am a strong independent women. Fierce as I have had to stand by myself and pull my own self up by the bootstraps. As an athlete, dancer and yogi and a upcoming actress I have to face all sorts of set backs and onstacles ontop of rejection, pain and suffering. Being married and now divorced I have lots of time to think about my self. As a women, as an independent human looking and longing for love in with another human being. My thoughts and memories drift back to Billie. She is a preachers wife. Devoted, beautiful and firecely strong. She knows all the emotions I have and continue to come in contact with. Loss, loneliness, rejection, fear , abandonment, love and loss. One thing she cannot relate to is divorce. She is happily married. She is the picture of love. She is the framework around marriage and commitment. She is submissive. She prefers to be as is her womenly stance but not because she has to be. I use to balk at this. This submissive quality and say no. Hell no. Not me. Yet looking back and seeing this life she has created because I believe we create out reality and therefore our legacy. Billie is the epitome of it. She let it be known she is a strong women yet in that strength she was humbly submissive to her husband. She knew what it was to walk away with genuine love for her partner even in the midst of a heated arguement. She understood timing and responding and not reacting and hunting down another human to finish something that in the end would not have the desired outcome she truly wanted. Billie was a women of great stamina. She would challenge me to think about timing and how critical it was to have a conversation at just the right time. This decision to wait to just the right time has been invaluable to my life. I had 2 years to see how this played out in Billies life and how to pratically apply it to my own. It is a legacy of timing. The art of waiting, the divine ability to hold back until just the right time. Not to soon and yet not to late. Right on time. So many of lifes issues would be settled and have the desired outcome if we humans would understand and be humble enough to submit ourselves to submissiveness. To submit our thoughts, our words and our actions to wait. To not give in and often times lose out. Her marriage, her relationships her life is so plentiful, so blessed so happy because she submitted. She held back and only in perfect timing went forward at the exact moment to execute her plan. It worked. This may not be a big thing in life in your experience but if you look back and evaluate maybe you would be a one step ahead, one move ahead of an opponent and one leap from a life you could only imagine if you learn to watch, to plan, to execute in such a way that you could have everything you ever wanted. Billie taught me a life long lesson. She taught me something that I can apply in every area of my life. The art of timing. The art of not being humble and the art of submissive in accordance with divine timing. Learn this and learn the key to a fullfiing and absolutely joyous life and a legacy that inspires many people after you. If it boded well for Billie. Who is an example of the verse from Solomon “there is a time for everything...” learn this. A time for everything under the sun.
For the longest time I searched for safety, as a child and young adult I was to busy just trying to survive the internal, spiritual and intellectual damage that had been done to me as a result of an abundance of abuse.