Post Partum Depression, my experience.

Its not a real thing they say. PPD is just something that you are putting in your head. "you're just crazy", they said. I had my first born when I was 25. She was born in 2019, so she just turned two. Being pregnant with her was amazing, It was everything I thought the experience would be. From having back pain, to sciatic pain, to not being able to walk a block with out gasping for air. It sounds horrible, but that's what pregnancy is and feels like. At least for me it did the first time around. Towards the end of my pregnancy something went down hill. I was having contractions, got to the hospital and after being in Labor for over 32 hours she was finally born. My first born. Prior to her I had a miscarriage when I was only 18. Things happen for a reason and back then I was definitely not ready to have a child just how I was not ready to have this child. Or so I thought I was ready.

When she was born my mind went completely blank and I was at lost of emotions. I remember seeing my boyfriend with a huge smile on his face looking at our daughter. He didn't take his eyes off of her for over 10 minutes. He didn't even look at me, he didn't. He didn't ask me if I was okay or how was I feeling. From that moment on I felt like everything changed. To me, it seemed like he didn't care about me no more. I'm laying on the delivery bed bleeding out and crying in pain, shaking from being so cold. And he not once asked me if I was doing good and feeling okay. My mind was blank. After they moved me to my own room, I would look at my daughter and I felt this moment of happiness finally. A moment of relief. I Stared into her eyes and saw my boyfriends smile and instantly forgot that he didn't bother to check on me. I felt unimportant, unwanted and un loved. After we got home with the baby, that very first day I had to get back to work. I was working from home during that time and I gave my boyfriend the choice to be a stay at home dad and he took it. So I'm the sole provider and head of house hold to our family.

The first two weeks were okay. I didn't know how to take care of a baby. I wasn't ready for any of it, I wasn't mentally prepared for all the changes that were happing in my life. They were happing to quick.

The third week, that's when the depression and suicidal thoughts really took over me. I was crying non stop every single day. I couldn't get out of bed, I didn't have the motivation to get out of bed. I wasn't getting any help from my boyfriend watching our daughter during the night when she would be up for 3 hours straight and I had to be up with her. The amount of sleep that I got was 0-3 hours max per night. I was restless, I was irritated, I was losing my mind. My boyfriend never once helped me with her over night. I was working full time and still had to care for our baby and him. He wasn't working.

Days and weeks went by and I was still depressed. I felt detached from my daughter. I felt that having her was the worst decision I had ever made. I felt sorry for her. I want to kill my self because I couldn't handle it no more. Babies tend to stare at a single spot on the wall for hours, just staring and not moving. Seeing her do that would make me cry so much. I felt that for a child to be staring into nothing wasn't normal. In a way, I felt that It was because of me that she was that way. I wasn't ready to be a mother. I wasn't ready to drop my life to raise a baby. I was detached from her. I felt no real connection to her. I felt no love towards her. I felt like it was an obligation to have to raise her. There was so much that went through my head that till this day no one knows about what I went through. My family eventually found out I was depressed for over a year and a half. They offered to watch her over nights so that I could get some rest and some sleep. I suppose it helped tremendously. My depression till this day has not gone away. I can say it got better and that my suicidal thoughts have disappeared. I look at my daughter and try to bond with her more. I feel the love for her that I didn't feel in the beginning of her life.

Seeing her cry makes me so sad and depressed, when she is not herself I tend to corner myself and lock my self up to cry. Seeing her in pain, pts me in pain. She deserves the world and a better mother. My boyfriend practically raised her and still does. Because even till this day I feel some sort of detachment towards her. My depression was so bad that all I wanted was to have my boyfriend near me and around me 24/7. Him being there for me has made me feel a lot better. He has sacrificed so much for me and has always been there for me. I know its been hard for him to have to deal with my depression and sadness.

3 months ago I gave birth to our second child, a baby boy, whom we named after his dad. The nurses at the hospital told me that If I had post partum depression once already that is was 100% that I will get it again. For the first 3 months of his life so far has been the same, only a lot less severe. No suicidal thoughts. I can bare my self being alone at home, when before I couldn't be a lone. Its far less severe this time around.

I want to bring awareness to the people who think that PPD is not real. It is real and it can affect you in ways that are super difficult to explain to others, let alone put it in words.

PPD is a metal issue and us mothers are not alone in this.

-Crystal N.