Dear Men And Women

Dear Men and Women.

If I am nervous when we first meet, I want you to know it isn't your fault.

Yes, I am married to a man, though even my husband had to be gentle with me when we first met.

I don't need to apologise because many kind-hearted men have told me so.

Some men in the world have taught me that there is a nicer side to many men out there.

It isn't you; it's because I have dealt with a lot of violence in the past from both men and women, and although I am very attracted to both; I still feel afraid, and I often wonder if it will happen again.

I have often spoken about the past violence that I went through where I was badly hurt both physically and mentally by both men and woman, and some of that severe abuse was not just in my intimate relationships, but in my friendships too.

However, when it comes to talking, I often find myself shamed when I open up about the female violence I have endured.

I spent years being unable to look in a mirror and like myself again after being severely beaten, emotionally abused, and raped by both men and women.

In the 90s, I was raped by a man and a woman at the same time, who were in a relationship with each other.

That happened in front of my children.

I spent many long years trying to open up about that incident, which left me feeling disgusting, ashamed, and dirty for the fact that my children were exposed to such behaviour.

They were very young, and they should never have had to witness any of it.

I spent years being silenced because, as everybody who was supposed to help me told me,

"We can't get involved because it is just a domestic."

"You don't have any witnesses."

"It's your responsibility to deal with it."

"Stay away from them."

(Annonymous for confidentiality)

The point is,

How can I be responsible for something I never asked for and did not cause?

I was just a very young adult trying to bring my children up, who had already been made vulnerable.

I was vulnerable because, at the time this was happening, I had just become a single parent to two small children due to domestic violence.

I felt like I was being punished and treated like a criminal for having vulnerabilities, being a single parent, and trying to protect my children.

I felt punished for trying to make friends with other parents because some of those male and female parents were also violent to me.

The worst of it?

The men and women who did this got away with it, while I lost everything, including my children; and I was punished with suffering from serious mental health problems for many years afterwards.

So, where am I with this today? you might ask.

I am much better, and stronger than I was all those years ago, but I do still have some fear around my friendships with men and women.

I have some very caring male and female friends in my life, though I still clam up and become nervous when talking to them, which is why I don't make friends easily;

though I am now able to see that not every man and woman is out to hurt me.

Many nice men and women in my local community which is different to where I lived back then, try their best to show me kindness and friendship, and I am really grateful for that.

However, they can't see inside my head, and I find it harder to talk about female violence with women than I do male violence because it gets treated like it is taboo because the world talks about male violence more as statistics for that are higher.

I do acknowledge these statistics, but after being a victim of both male and female violence, which wrecked my home, destroyed my family, and destroyed my mental health for many long years; I refuse to be treated as a minority.

I am a human being with feelings, not just another statistic. Numbers do not matter.

Any form of violence is wrong, whether you are male or female.

I am trying to rebuild my friendships with men and women because I deserve to have friends, just like most people do. However, I often find myself in a position where they do not understand why I am so nervous around them, and the kind of violence I have been through is not easy to talk about in today's world.

I come across as soft and sensitive, many men and women I meet do not understand why.

I often feel that I am put in a position where I have to go into my horrible past and explain it to them, but sometimes that can make things worse.

I have met some nice men and women who ask me questions such as,

"Are you okay?"

There have been days where my response has been,

"I'm fine,"

because it seems easier than being put in a difficult position where I have to talk about it. Usually, it's okay until I try telling a woman that I was also a victim of female violence, and some men can't process that either.

I find writing about it is easier than talking with somebody about it in a face-to-face situation.

I stand up for those women who have been hurt by men, but I also stand up for those who have been victims of same-sex violence. It isn't that I am trying to ignore the fact that male violence exists. I know it does.

It is also because I have been hurt by both males and females. If we don't stand up to that too, many in same-sex relationships and those who are victims in friendships and the community will continue to go unheard.

It isn't about the gender. It is about the violence. Nobody, whether male or female, deserves to be hurt by another male, or another female, no matter what the statistics show.

Your experience might be different, but I deserve to be heard too.