NFL Week 5 Recap: Down and Out in Santa Clara

The Dallas Cowboys and the San Francisco 49ers. If you grew up in the 1990s like I did, then hearing that gives you goosebumps. The rivalry actually dates back as early as "The Catch," but during the 1990s, the Cowboys and Niners were the NFC's two biggest Super Bowl threats. Even as a Green Bay Packers fan who spent my childhood in the 1990s hoping that we'd get a leg up on either team, I was very excited for this matchup on Sunday Night Football.

And then kickoff happened, and that ended the excitement.

What was supposed to be an NFC shootout ended up being an execution. Dallas had no chance. Niners absolutely crushed them. George Kittle found the end zone three times (he didn't have a touchdown entering this game). Brock Purdy looked like Jimmy Garoppolo out there. 42-10 was the final score, and the Niners remain unbeaten, while the Cowboys looked like deadwood.

It's my own fault for expecting a back and forth battle, because once again, I forgot that Dallas has Mike McCarthy as their head coach. Didn't we Packers fans warn Cowboys fans about that ignoramus? It's Year Four now, and it's getting worse. You know why Dallas got blasted? You know how the phrase "Let Russ Cook" has been rampant in Denver Broncos fandom? McCarthy didn't let Dak cook. Despite having once coached the current GOAT in Aaron Rodgers, the greatest passer in the last 20 years, McCarthy simply wouldn't let Dak pass the ball, and that was their downfall. Racists will blame Dak and forget that he's the 2nd-best QB in the NFC behind his division rival, Jalen Hurts, but per usual, this was another Dallas loss caused by Mike McCarthy and the one brain cell he has left.

One more thing. The government fired a gibbering, useless idiot named McCarthy from his job. Time for the Cowboys to do the same.

Speaking of Jalen Hurts, he and the Philadelphia Eagles remained unbeaten thsi week, as they defeated the Los Angeles Rams in a battle between the last two teams to represent the NFC in the Super Bowl. It is amazing how strong the Eagles are this year. I dare say this is the strongest this team has been in its franchise history. The Eagles have had their moments, especially Super Bowl LII, when Nick Foles took down the Patriots, but what I'm seeing from this team now is special. Usually, when teams come within a hair of winning the Super Bowl, a small setback is expected. From what I'm seeing, the Eagles are picking up where they left off. 5-0 for the second straight year. Just amazing.

After barely surviving the New York Jets, the Kansas City Chiefs headed to the state of hockey to face the lowly Minnesota Vikings. The game was much closer than it should have been, and during the second quarter, there was a huge scare: Taylor Swift wasn't at the game. Oops, sorry, I meant the other scare: Travis Kelce left the game. After a reception, Kelce tweaked that ankle that had been plaguing him a bit since right before the season started, and it looked like he would be done for the rest of the game. Somehow, Kelce was able to "shake it off" (I just had to go there), get back in the game, and actually find the end zone. 10 receptions, 67 yards, and a touchdown. On fantasy, that's 22.7 points. KC won 27-20, but with a Thursday game coming up for them, all eyes will be on 87.

Seriously, how fun is the AFC South right now? Entering Week 5, every team was 2-2, and the official first place team was the Indianapolis Colts, who hosted the Tennessee Titans. Indy managed to edge the Titans, 23-16, and the Houston Texans suffered a heartbreaking loss to the Atlanta Falcons, 21-19. As for the Jacksonville Jaguars, they were still in London, this time facing the high-powered Buffalo Bills. I knew this would be good; for one, the international games usually are, but also, Jacksonville has developed a knack for getting Buffalo's goat, and that continued this week, as they managed to take down the Bills to pick up their second straight London win. As a result, the Jags and Colts are tied for first, with Jacksonville having the head-to-head edge.

The city of Baltimore has been suffering quite a bit in sports recently. They were on a huge high once baseball's postseason started; that Camden Yards crowd at Game One of the ALDS was absolutely raucous. However, the Orioles, who won 101 games this season, are on the verge of an early exit. At least there's the Ravens, right? Well, at least there's Lamar Jackson and Justin Tucker. Week 5 was Part One of the annual clash between the Ravens and the Pittsburgh Steelers, and...wow. Lamar is surrounded by idiots on that team. The running game was mostly dead, and the receivers are bumbling morons. They dropped so many passes in that game. Even worse, the Steelers offense was their usual stagnant self. This was a winnable game for the Ravens, but Lamar, as usual, was a man without a country, with his only true ally being the GOAT of kickers in Tucker, but thanks to John Harbaugh's terrible play calling, even he wasn't a factor. Steelers won 17-10, and as for the Ravens, they lost a game they absolutely needed.

Poor Sean Payton. In all his combined years as an NFL head coach, he's never had a competent QB. He carried Drew Brees for years, and watched as Brees snatched defeat from the jaws of victory, as well as get owned by, of all teams, the Minnesota Vikings. He now has Russell Wilson, who is another bumbler, in fact, the Broncos lost to the Jets becasue Russ fumbled and the ball was returned all the way. This was seen as a revenge game for the Jets due to Payton trashing former Broncos coach (and current Jets OC) Nathaniel Hackett; Payton was right, though--Hackett's a complete idiot. As for Payton's former team, the New Orleans Saints dismantled the Patriots, and elsewhere, the Lions, Dolphins, and Bengals won big, and the Packers lost on Monday night because the refs had money on the Raiders.

I have to end with this. Week 5 began with the Chicago Bears taking on the Washington Commanders on Thursday Night Football, but just mere moments before kickoff, the football world was hit with the tragic news that Dick Butkus, the iconic linebacker and one of the greatest players in the Bears' long history, passed away at the age of 80. Richard Marvin Butkus was born in Chicago and played his entire football career in the state of Illinois, with the centerpiece being his nine seasons with the Bears. Butkus went on to have quite an accomplished acting career, appearing in several films and TV shows, the latter including serving as a regular cast member on the series, Hang Time, which aired as part of NBC's Saturday Morning lineup along with City Guys and Saved by the Bell: The New Class.

As for the game itself, the Bears entered the week having lost 14 straight games, but they were on fire in DC. The Bears dismantled the Commanders, 40-20, to pick up their first win since last October, and it was mainly due to the efforts of DJ Moore. As we all recall, DJ Moore was traded to the Bears by the Panthers as part of the deal that saw Carolina receive Chicago's #1 overall pick, which was used to select Bryce Young. Let's go to the Fantasy numbers, because I want jaws to drop.

Scoring for receivers goes like this: 1 point per 10 yards, and touchdowns are 6 points. There's also PPR (Points Per Reception) as well. Moore's stats: eight receptions (8 points), 230 yards (23 points), and three touchdowns (18 points). 49 fantasy points! Forty-nine! If you had to play against him in fantasy, like I did in one matchup, you have my sympathies.

As a result of all of this, the Carolina Panthers are the lone winless team in the NFL at 0-5. Even worse, their 1st-round pick in the 2024 draft went to Chicago in that deal. The teams play each other later in the season, and that's one game that the Bears are guaranteed to win, regardless of the outcome.

Week 6 kicks off with the Kansas City Chiefs hosting the Denver Broncos on Thursday Night Football, and we will have another London game, this time it's the Baltimore Ravens and the Tennessee Titans facing off. The Sunday Night game will feature the New York Giants and the Buffalo Bills, and on Monday Night Football, the Dallas Cowboys and the Los Angeles Chargers face off in a battle between two teams with completely dumb coaches. Only two teams are on a bye in Week 6: the Green Bay Packers and the Pittsburgh Steelers.

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