What I secretly think should happen to people who hack Facebook accounts…

Cuz some members of the human species are beyond irritating.

Several attempts at tempered response have failed.

Might as well get this off my chest and out my mouth.

Since sewer scum that trifling and all.

And should they see fit to change the error of their ways…there might just be some hope for them yet.

But in the meantime:

1. A near impossible endless task assigned as a condition of your Facebook parole. Like having to painstakingly glue together each broken shard of everything the cat knocked over or the rampaging toddlers broke. Daily tabulation and recording of everyone—color-coded thanks—who does and does not wash their hands in public restrooms (since we still in a pandemic situation and all.) De-fuzzing and picking the lint off ALL the sweaters. Clearing out and cleaning the garage or storage areas by worldwide request of anybody who calls 1-800-WHO-D-ASS cuz you got that kinda time on your hands to hack accounts so…

2. Repetitive but ingeniously disguised hoax calls, texts, emails, and the like for huge money winnings/refunds/compensation/administrative bank errors reported being directly deposited at intervals over six months with increased frequency when at your financial lowest. So you get the chance to feel over and over again how disgusting it feels to be deceived by someone.

3. Your photo on a digital wall of shame so everybody knows who you are and what you do. The public can be paid to throw virtual rotten fruit and dog poo at you.

4. Enough e-traffic arriving simultaneously from half the global population to crash your server. Because it would be just desserts to have to get your mess repaired, and you definitely deserve to be inconvenienced multiple times.

5. Your literal scarlet letter—S is for sleazeball scammer. A customizable tee-shirt and hoodie (replete with brief explanation) that you are mandated to wear outside every day during peak pedestrian traffic periods around random locations of the globe. Dead ass.

6. Two months of volunteer service at a specialized call center answering the unmitigated emotive wrath and disappointment of everybody who has ever been scammed by this first-world problem.

7. Limitless public access for all to your Facebook account information. So that you can routinely experience the threat that you represent to every other respectable, considerate social media user out there.

8. Facebook stolen profile offender listing. You.

9. Facebook stolen profile repeat offender listing. You just gonna be hard-headed, huh? Dead ass.

10. Facebook platform permanent expulsion. Ain’t got time to be playing wit’ you.

11. Temporary suspension of internet access. Think that’s overkill? So is pretending to be someone that you’re not for some perverse, marketing, and/or monetary con towards the recipient who sincerely believes you are who you say you are. And then gets that gag-vomit-sick feeling when discovering that you are not. Keep it up and see what happens, fool.

12. Long-term suspension of internet access. Soooo doable! Need access? Get yo' trifling ass to the public library or college/university campus to do your essential business on a time frame, after security checks, and added inconvenience. Don’t nobody feel sorry for you.

13. Mandatory counseling. Something is obviously very wrong with you. Or you are in desperate straits. Or mentally unstable. Or got an addiction. Or just don’t give a crap about your fellow human beings, many of whom are vulnerable and fall for your sham act.

14. Facebook account hacker offenders rehabilitation program designed by social media users who have been impacted by this or know someone who has been affected by this. They get to decide your length and level of therapy intensity. That’s only fair.

15. Facebook account hacker repeat offenders dunk tank for those who require negative feedback stimulus as part of their rehabilitation. An added bonus for those who want to lambast said hackers for being scammed and don’t know where to go with all that. Clarification: REAL, not virtual dunk tank.

16. Virtual but iron-clad PG epithet wall. At which persons near and far with a comprehensive grasp of appropriate adjectives can cow pat pin to your unbecoming noun-self in an arena safe for general audiences. And just might make a lot of somebodies feel a whole lot better. You “bolting-hutch of beastliness.” - From Shakespeare’s Henry IV Part 1 (Act2 Scene 4.)

17. Apology letter requirement no less than three pages standard 12-point font double spaced sent via regular post to all of the people whose Facebook accounts you have hacked. You will pay for all so-called snail-mail postage. And oh, the social media parole officer designate will keep all addresses in a one-use-only secure undisclosed location. To be applied to envelopes before posting sans your peering eyes since you certainly cannot be trusted with sensitive personal data...bolting-hutch of beastliness times two!

18. Disappearing files, a game you will play once for every account you invade for nefarious purposes. The rules are straightforward: You play. You always lose. Two files are chosen by an algorithm to be deleted at random from your PC or device plus your backup files. Have fun trying to back up your backups on everything in your life’s existence ad infinitum. Is hacking into an account really worth it?

19. Reasonable restraints (post rigorous covid-19 testing) after every infraction, where you can be kept seated at miscellaneous romper playroom central. There, all of the children can freely wipe their boogers on you to their heart’s content. No doubt a much softer punishment than you deserve.

20. A 100-point handwritten list research compilation (using print media only), of all the leisure activities and things of interest, one can engage in so that they can stay the hell outta somebody else’s account for heaven’s sake!

Personal note: Thank you for taking the time to read my mini-rant. I've recently been sent communication by another Facebook scammer. Again. This is one of many ways to fight back. Take up a writing campaign. A reading campaign. A name and shame campaign. A rant and rave campaign. Just don't ever feel powerless no matter what you do. And just in case you start to waver, read this so we can together stop the world from being overrun by meanies.

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