April 11th (Alabaster, AL) – This past Friday, the President of the United States sat down with the largest socialist periodical in America—one that we will refrain from naming in these prestigious pages in order not to lend them any credence and legitimacy. As established during the third day of this administration, the President brought an end to the routine of daily press briefings and regular access to the White House and replaced them with a free-for-all end-of-week one-on-one bonanza. While the leader of the free world was more than happy to spend time with socialists, I would be remiss if I did not point out that the President has still not sat down with yours truly.
Is the President afraid of what a real reporter would ask? Or is the administration showing their true colors by only letting those with certain viewpoints through the gatekeepers? They claim the process is randomized, but it is quite clear who they are excluding.
You may be saying to yourself, “Wait a minute, Friday was a few days ago. Why did it take so long to bring this to our attention?” Well, intrepid reader, the White House does not announce who is selected for their privileged access and leaves it up to each outlet whether they want anyone to know ahead of time or not. Up until this point, everyone—even the social media stars—at least had the decency to put out their reports by Friday evening or Saturday morning at the latest. But not this crew! Apparently, this socialist bulletin was so completely disorganized and unprepared that they could not get anything out the door on time. Who would have guessed that a bunch of lazy socialists (redundant?) couldn’t even be bothered to do what they claim are their jobs?
And what a job they did! In a rambling, nonsensical, poorly edited (spell checker is automatic, people!), and downright painful to read diatribe, the so-called interviewer for this article tried to lead the President into admitting to being a straight-up communist. Surely the President of the United States was too smart to be manipulated into stating such foolishness by a highly functioning moron, right?
Well, my friends, you are in for a surprise (or not)! Also, you can thank me now for wading through this dreck so you didn’t have to. Per usual, from the sweat of my brow, here is the good stuff...
It’s Word Salad Day with Your Substitute Teacher: The President of the United States
Let’s start off with the utterances right from the President’s own mouth-hole:
What do I think? I believe The United States of America is the most communist nation in the world.
Well, there you have it, everyone! What more needs to be said?
Apparently, a lot, because the President went on a rant for quite a while after this. You see, the President only believes in the “academic definition of communism” that the elite take straight from Karl Marx’s The Communist Manifesto. As the President explained it, in that book Marx put forth a theory that there is a natural evolution of ownership over the “means of production.” This started with the producers being slaves and the owners being city-states to the producers being serfs and the owners being landowners within larger states. In modern capitalism, that has turned into the employee and corporate management relationship. Thus, by Marx’s and the President’s estimation, the “natural evolution” would be reached when the producers and the owners were the same people.
Except, of course, this never happened. Instead, we got the USSR, China, Cuba, and North Korea. The President did have a response for this, though:
Those countries are “Leninist”, not “Communist”. As I said before, Communism means the workers own the means of production. Leninism means the government is sacrosanct and the people are subservient to it, but in turn the government provides everything for them. Communism has nothing to with any form of government, contrary to what formed under Lenin, Mao, and their contemporaries.
The millions of people who died under those systems would disagree, dear President, as would Karl Marx himself. The original title of Marx’s work was The Manifesto of the Communist Party. When someone entitles their handiwork with the literal name of a Political Party, it certainly sounds like government planning to me. But perhaps the President believes that you and I are too proletarian to understand?
Still, the lesson the President was trying to teach us all was not over yet. To hammer and sickle home any doubt on the definition of words, the President clarified:
I want to draw a line-in-the-sand between “communism” and “socialism”. Socialism is where the government provides services to the people. Now we could go big and highlight how programs like Social Security, Medicare, and Medicaid are obvious ones that we can point to as being socialism here in the United States. However, I would contend that even building roads is socialism. As I said, “socialism” is anything the government provides for the people.
That is certainly an... interesting... interpretation of socialism and a genuine attempt to twist it into the President’s worldview. But it should be pointed out that there is as massive of a difference between building roads and Social Security as there is between the latter and Venezuela.
Here, it would appear that the President was conflating the administration’s own choice of classifications by intermingling “socialism” and “communism”, but the president did expound upon this:
You are probably asking yourself, then, what makes the United States so communist if the social welfare programs we have implemented don’t count? Simply put, if you look at the how much employee ownership there is through Stock Option Plans, Stock Purchase Plans, Equity Grants, Ownership Trusts, and Worker Cooperatives—no other country in the world comes even close to the percentage of workers that own at least a small piece of their own current or former employers.
Certainly, that is a unique stretch of what having proprietorship over the “means of production” signifies. Listen, the President is not wrong that workers can partake in many different plans that get them ownership stakes or stock in their companies. Still, aside from Co-Ops, none would really jive with this argument. Besides, doesn’t this just prove how well capitalism works and that it is the superior system?
Sorry Comrade President, your Math and English lessons are just not lining up.
The above piece is an excerpt from the speculative fiction novel 254 Days to Impeachment: The Future History of the First Independent President by J.P. Prag, available at booksellers worldwide.
Learn more about author J.P. Prag at www.jpprag.com.
254 Days to Impeachment is a work of mixed fiction and nonfiction elements. With the fiction elements, any names, characters, places, events, and incidents that bear any resemblance to reality is purely coincidental. For the nonfiction elements, no names have been changed, no characters invented, no events fabricated except for hypothetical situations.
About the Creator
J.P. Prag is the author of "Compendium of Humanity's End", "254 Days to Impeachment", "Always Divided, Never United", "New & Improved: The United States of America", and "In Defense Of...", and more! Learn more at www.jpprag.com.