You Should Look For Negative Qualities In Others Too

We meet so many people in our life. Some are rude and some are friendly. Ever wondered why some people are rude? I analyzed all the people I interacted with. I classified the people into two categories: good and narcissistic. Good people are empathetic and friendly. Narcissists are rude.

We develop our personalities based on our upbringing. It is likely that children develop narcissistic tendencies if they have narcissistic parents. However, I am surprised to find out that good parents can raise a narcissist too. Even if their child turns out to be good, they might still face problems because of other narcissists. To talk about more this, I will describe the 3 different parenting styles based on my interactions with the people I met. In the first set, I will describe how the 3 parenting styles each resulted in a narcissistic child. In the second set, I will describe how the 3 parenting styles each resulted in an empathetic child.

Part 1: Narcissistic Children

Case 1: Both parents are narcissists

I am the best example in this category. Both my parents were evil with me. I had severe childhood trauma. I didn't get a chance to develop a wise mind. I was evil, rude, selfish, self centered, impatient, impulsive, judgmental, greedy, competitive, manipulative, and never admitted faults. The only difference between me and my parents is that they never feel guilty. However, I sometimes felt guilty especially when I made the other person cry. Although rare, I could still empathize with other's pain.

Q: How has this affected my relationships?

I dated someone on my college. He was very nice with me. That was very new to me as the people in my house were evil with me. I loved him and was obsessed with him. He was my only source of happiness. However, he couldn't put up with my selfishness and left me. When he began dating someone else, I couldn't contain my jealousy. Out of desperation, I wrote bad things about him and mailed her. I was evil.

Q: How has this affected my friendships?

Because I was very rude, most people judged me and hated me. I hardly made friends. In my 9th grade, I was mean with Aarthi who sat beside me. After putting up with me for two days, she cried. I empathized with her and was never rude with her again. However, I continued to be rude with others. I couldn't empathize with their pain. Aarthi, my older cousin Kayla, and my best friend in college Chickie were the only friends I had till I healed.

Q: Did anybody ever think that I was a good person?

I worked as a math professor. I helped my students and others when they were struggling with math problems. When my students were in distress, I cheered them up. So, some people thought that I was a good person.

Case 2: One of the parents is a narcissist

My boyfriend's sister Lilly is the best example. She was exactly like me. She is the reason I healed from my trauma. Her father is a narcissist but her mother is not a narcissist. Lilly once screamed at me when I did a silly mistake. The next day, I calmly told her, "Lilly, when you say something to someone, tell in a way that doesn't offend them". I didn't even expect her to apologize to me. To my horror, she got defensive and yelled at me again. She never admits faults. She was black and white thinking. She thinks that the other person is always 100% wrong and she is always right. She is so selfish and only cares about her feelings. So, she wasn't able to empathize with my feelings at all. At once, I recognized all these qualities in me.

Q: How has this affected her relationships?

She was married to the love of her life. In the beginning, she was obsessed with him. She cooked for him, cleaned up after him, gave him expensive gifts, etc. She was on his side whenever he had a confrontation with others. Overtime, she got tired of him. Because she never admits faults, she was overly critical of him. Unable to put up with her constant arguments, he divorced her.

Q: How has this affected her friendships?

She had three friends. She ignored them while she was married. When she got back to them, two of them were warm with her. The third friend didn't want to talk to her. She too didn't bother to apologize to him.

Q: Did anybody ever think that she was a good person?

Yes, some people think that she is good. Although she never asks a single question about them, she obediently answers all the questions they ask her. They judge the book by its cover page and ignore her self-centeredness. They have no idea that she is evil. Her mother too thinks that she is a good person. She refuses to believe that her daughter is a narcissist.

Case 3: None of the parents is a narcissist

My younger cousin Judy is the best example. Both her parents are good people. She was born intelligent. She got good grades and is well mannered. She received too much praise and attention from others. She started feeling that she was special. That led her to become a narcissist. When I told her that my grandmother told me, "That son of a bitch left you with me", she said, "Stepparents are more common in America. Some of my friends were hurt by their stepparents". She cleverly diverted the attention from our grandmother to stepparents. When I questioned her flawed logic, she manipulatively said something silly again. She wasn't able to empathize with my pain. A good person would have said, "That was such a horrible thing to say to a granddaughter. You must have felt terrible".

Q: How has this affected her relationships?

She feels that nobody is as perfect as her. Because she is so judgmental, nobody is good enough for her. She is 30 years old but she never even attempted to date anybody.

Q: How has this affected her friendships?

Because she is well mannered, she makes friends easily. However, they are limited to her school or work. She doesn't engage in deep conversations with them nor care about them. She is secretly jealous of them. She doesn’t have any best friends.

Q: Did anybody ever think that she was a good person?

Almost everybody thinks that she is a good person. I guess I am the only one who knows that she is a narcissist.

Part 2: Good Children

Case 1: Both parents are narcissists

I haven't met a good person who was raised by two narcissistic parents.

Case 2: One of the parents is a narcissist

My older cousin Kayla is the best example. Her father is a narcissist but her mother is very respectful with her. Although she knew that I was very rude and selfish, she was kind and nice with me. She didn't judge me. However, she couldn't empathize with me when I told her that my mom was evil. She grew up thinking that all mothers were just her hers. So, she thought that I was in the wrong and didn't believe me.

Q: How has this affected her relationships?

Unfortunately, she had a narcissistic ex-husband. Because he was nice with her in the beginning, she thought that he was also a good person like her. However, he is very insecure and began torturing her shortly after they got married. It broke her heart when she realized that he was evil. Fortunately, she later found another empathetic person like her. She is now happily married.

Q: How has this affected her friendships?

She has some best friends. All her best friends are good people like her. She is happy with her friends.

Q: Did anybody ever think that she was a good person?

Everybody thinks that she is a good person.

Case 3: None of the parents is a narcissist

My best friend Chikie is the best example. Both her parents are very nice and empathetic. When somebody in my college called me names, Chikie defended me. That was new to me. She loves her friends and cares about them. Like my older cousin Kayla, she too is very forgiving of people.

Q: How has this affected her relationships?

Unlike Kayla, Chickie fortunately dated a good man in college. She is now happily married and has a daughter.

Q: How has this affected her friendships?

Unfortunately, Chickie had a narcissistic best friend in the freshman year of college. She was jealous of her. She badmouthed Chickie to others. It took her 2 years to recover from the trauma.

Q: Did anybody ever think that she was a good person?

Everybody except this narcissistic best friend thinks that she is a good person.

**********************************************************************

Why did Lilly's mother refuse to believe that her daughter is a narcissist? Why did Kayla (my older cousin) not empathize with me when I complained about my mom? When you are a good person, you automatically assume that the people you love are good. Of course, Lilly's mother will never be able to think that her daughter is evil. Similarly, my mom being a narcissist, was nice with her niece Kayla. Because Kayla is a good person, she refused to believe that her aunt was evil.

Now, do you see the problem? Narcissists look only for negative qualities in others. Good people look only for positive qualities in others. Being good isn't enough. According to me, it is as bad as being narcissistic. Good people can harm us too. Had Kayla believed me, she would have saved me from severe childhood trauma. In Chemistry, there is a reason why we have a positive charge on a proton, a negative charge on an electron, and no charge on a neutron. Electrons and protons are equally bad. Good people and narcissists are equally bad. We should be wise like neutrons.

We have seen that good children faced problems in friendships and relationships (because of narcissists). Clearly, being good parents isn't enough. What more should the parents do? They should teach their child to look for both positive and negative qualities in the same person. At the same time, they should teach them to be non judgmental. If they instead judge others, then they themselves are narcissists. Wasn't my younger cousin a narcissist because her mother didn't teach her to be non judgmental? It is very tricky to reach the balance point. It is very easy to be either a good person or a narcissist but it is very difficult to be in the middle.

I was shocked to realize that Lilly's 16 year old brother is also a narcissist. He hates me because of my skin color. I read in the news that a 13 year old girl tried to kill her parents because they took her phone away. She is also a narcissist. She had no concern for the lives of her parents. I think narcissism is becoming increasingly common. These narcissists will then traumatize their children. These children will then traumatize their children. The world is not heading in the right direction. This chain needs to break right now.