You are your own worst enemy

This photo series tackles subject matter such as self-harm, disassociation, and the overall struggles of various mental illnesses. Mental illness is a prominent and serious problem within our society. If you are struggling, please seek help and know that you are loved. Things might suck for now, but they always get better eventually.

We are all cursed in one way or another. We all have our problems; our past, present, and future is littered with destruction. Sometimes, existence itself seems like a futile endeavour. But it’s not.

Living with mental illness is, more often than not, a torturous experience, whereupon you are your own worst enemy. Each day is an uphill battle you fight without the slightest idea of what is coming next. Any seemingly “good” day could turn into a disastrous one with less than a moments notice. The biggest problem is that this can potentially occur all in your head. Outward appearances may lead people to believe you are holding yourself together, meanwhile, your own reality is crumbling all around you.

Mental illness is gruesome, ugly, and often times very lonely. In this photo series entitled “You are your own worst enemy” I attempt to capture the cursed nature of mental illness through long exposure photography, a technique I have always been fascinated with. The subjects, Isaiah and myself, appear multiple times in the same photo, however we are only ever accompanied by versions of ourselves. In this sense, we exhibit loneliness and are being hurt by no one but ourselves.

My goal with this series is to bring to light the cursed nature of mental illness without romanticizing it. The truth is there is nothing beautiful about the struggles of mental illness.

Long exposure photography is a process whereupon you slow the shutter speed of a camera in order to capture motion. For these photos to be successful, one needs to be in semi-darkness because too much light will result in your photos being over-exposed. The slow shutter speed allows for time for the subject to move; if you move slowly, it will be captured on camera, however if you move quickly, it won’t. In these photos, the subject assumes one position, holds it for a little while and then quickly assumes another position and holds that. The products that emerge reveal these ghostly versions of ourselves, often alongside a more substantial version, which can allow for some pretty creative (and cursed) photography.

The four images of this series each represent struggles I have experienced throughout my own battle with mental illness. They are each entitled a phrase I have heard that was supposed to be one of comfort. In reality however, the phrases seemed to diminish my own self-worth by somehow making me feel as though it is my fault I am struggling and I should be able to control my emotions. We often decline into a horrible state of mind where we start to feel as though we are a burden and we are worthless. We lock ourselves away for fear of inconveniencing anyone else. It gets so lonely. In reality, you are not a burden and you are not worthless. But...that’s definitely how it feels.

“Don’t panic,” or “calm down,” are phrases I have heard on many occasions while experiencing, or on the verge of experiencing, a panic attack. Upon hearing something like that I think: If I was able to calm down, don’t you think I would? I am not trying to be dramatic but I forget how to breathe and kind of feel like I’m dying right now so not panicking isn’t really an option! If you have a loved one who is stressing out about something, don’t tell them not to! Their feelings are valid (and yours are too), which is a very important thing to recognize.

Saying “Snap out of it,” when one is disassociating is completely counter-productive because, once again, if they could they would. Instead of diminishing a disassociative episode to something you can merely snap out of, try asking the person how you can help them; do they need distraction, comfort, or to talk? This advice can be helpful when anyone is not doing well, not just for disassociation. Personally, when I am disassociating, I like doing things that I am very familiar with to help bring me back to reality. Obviously, everyone is different.

“It’s not that bad,” or “you should be grateful it’s not worse,” makes me feel as though I don’t deserve to complain, or even worse, I don’t deserve to ask for help. Of course I know that it could be worse, however reminding me that is in no way a comfort, and really just makes me feel so much more guilty about how I feel.

“It was just a bad dream,” you are allowed to be scared or upset because of a dream...in fact, you are allowed to be scared or upset for any reason whatsoever. Your emotions are valid.

These phrases and others can be more harmful than you would think to someone suffering from a mental illness. In my experience, it’s because these are the type of things my own brain tells me every single day. Hearing them from someone else delegitimizes my feelings even more. When you are your own worst enemy, you do not have the ability to fight off anyone else’s insensitive comments.

While the struggles of mental illness are lonely, you don’t have to suffer alone. Reaching out to someone (whether you are the one struggling or you know someone who is) is a great way to be a little less lonely. I have found that expressing myself through art is a significant part of my recovery process—I mostly write songs but visual arts, poetry, and other writing is also really important to me. It is time that we stopped treating mental illness as a taboo subject and start including it in every day conversations. We all have our own struggles with ourselves, so let’s be more receptive to other people’s problems.

We are all cursed in one way or another...some people might be a little more so than others. And that’s okay.