You Are Exactly What You're Seeking

Sometimes, I wish I was an easier person. There are times when I long to be less intense, less driven — when I long to turn the volume down and just rest. I have a deep need for security, and lately, I’ve been asking myself what it would take for me to feel more secure in the life I’m living.

I used to think it was money. After growing up poor and scrabbling to grab onto any wrung in the lower middle class, I know what it’s like to do without. But I’ve also learned that no matter how much I toss at my savings account or how early I pay my bills with money left over, it doesn’t fill me with a sense of security.

So, I thought a relationship would do it. A healthy one. One that would give other people #goals. But simply being the plus one of a healthy equation didn’t automatically meet this need to be grounded and secure.

Not living the career of my dreams. Not having my children. Not surrounding myself with friends. None of these things would, on their own, automatically grant me with a sense of peace.

While I explored my life and my needs, I realized I’d been missing the point.

What if we are, already, all that we’re looking for?

We search for something outside of ourselves to meet our needs — whether that looks like security or love or adventure or meaning. We try to source it from everywhere but ourselves. What if it was inside us already?

I went back over my list. To even say I have a savings account is a far cry from my previous hardscrabble existence of barely making ends meet. A healthy relationship used to be something I looked at as possibly mythical but now know exists. I’m living my dreams, raising my children, growing a garden, and surrounding myself with friends in a beautiful place I call home. What more could I possibly need?

I wonder if sometimes the aches in us are leftover echoes from an earlier trauma. I’m as secure as I’ll likely ever be, and yet the feeling remains. I cannot control my outside circumstances or make life go according to my careful plans, but I already have everything I need.

Everything I want? Maybe not.

Everything I need? Absolutely.

Of course, not everyone can say the same. This is where the work comes in.

If we aren’t happy in our work, the answer isn’t to try to attempt to control everyone and everything around us. If we aren’t happy with ourselves, no amount of someone else loving us will fix what we feel. Children weren’t meant to fill a hole in our lives any more than money. We keep looking outside when the answer is in us.

We need to realize that we already have whatever it is we’ve been trying to find. More security? More love? More comfort? More peace? We are capable of giving each of these things to ourselves.

We don’t need to find The One; we need to become The One.

But how? How do we make that leap when we struggle with the echoes of earlier needs unmet?

We create new narratives.

We ask ourselves if the things we think about ourselves are still true or if they are reflective of past circumstances. We root our thoughts into the present, not into worries about the future or the trauma of the past. If what we’re thinking is based on a hypothetical over reality, we toss it out. We tell ourselves the truth instead of repeating worn out stories that are no longer true.

We practice gratitude.

If we can’t focus on what we do have, we’ll likely never feel like we have anything we need. The truth is, we often have much; we’re just discounting what we have because it falls short of some imagined expectation. Gratitude helps us shift our focus.

We come into alignment with our priorities, not make our priorities fit our lives.

This is particularly important. Identifying what matters most to us will help us determine the choices we should make. Sometimes, we have to scrap our whole lives and think about how we would live if we could start over. Somewhere between that dream and our current reality we find action steps we can take to bridge the distance.

We become self-reliant.

The other day I was thinking about a particular challenge in my life. I faced up to the fact that it’s entirely my responsibility. To deal with it, I would need to get stronger. I would need to tap into my resourcefulness and creativity to do it, but there wasn’t an answer outside of myself.

This doesn’t mean we don’t seek professional help; I believe everyone would benefit from individual therapy. Sometimes, being self-reliant means knowing when to outsource to the experts to navigate a challenge. But we can also learn to trust ourselves more and to become stronger through practicing what we learn.

We stay present.

My need for security doesn’t need to be ignored. When I feel that way, it’s often because I’m not grounding into the present moment. I’m too busy living in my fears from the past projected into my worries for the future. When I realize this is happening, I can reconnect to what’s going on right now.

I touch base with my senses and ask myself if, in this particular moment, I’m taking good care of myself. Often, the answer is no. So, I have a glass of water or eat a piece of fruit or take a break from my work. I walk in the grass in my bare feet or go hug one of my children. I tune back in to the world around me and get out of my own head.

I might wish I was an easier person sometimes, but I love who I am. I love my complexity and the fact that the right people get me and the wrong people usually self-identify and go their own way. But these days, I don’t just take everything about myself for granted.

On days when I feel like something is missing, I spend a little time figuring out why I feel that way. I honor the feeling without assuming that my first thought is the truest one. If I don’t feel secure, I usually need to take time to ground myself. If I don’t feel loved, I usually need to source more love and care from myself — not anyone else.

I add up all that I often take for granted and embrace the fact that I am what I’m looking for — if only I’ll stop looking everywhere else.