Would You Be Proud

It has been a little over four years now and if I focus on it hard enough the pain is as strong as it was the very day. I used to suppress it and that turned out to be not such a good idea. I descended into the darkness myself. Now I have learned, through many trials and errors, to accept that you’re not here. That there will never truly be any answers, just speculation.

That speculation is what drove me to the edge. I have come to accept that I will never know. The focus now must be moving forward at a pace that doesn’t allow me to pause long enough to fall back down. It’s when I stop and let it all consume me that the darkness peaks its head around the corner. Hello old friend.

It’s a friendship that I don’t wish to rekindle. I lost myself in trying to bring you back. An impossible task for a lone human. My pleases were ignored and my cries were muffled by my pillow. I drowned myself in liquor just so I could be numb. My soul was swimming, it was drowning. I was mad at you. I yelled at you for leaving, even though I knew better than most that all you wanted was for the pain to stop.

A fading light was just out of reach. I reached for it at the last second. I was pulled back to reality and the pain that I had to acknowledge. Those I love hadn’t abandoned me; even though I wish that they had. I had wished they had left me because I didn’t want them to feel the pain that I was feeling. I wanted them to be happy without me. I felt useless to them. I sought help because you couldn’t. I didn’t want to let you down the most, even more than myself.

I finally let myself feel, an alien concept. Admitting that I was not myself and that it was okay to seek the help I needed was one of the hardest things I have done. There are days that it hits me hard, and I feel the shadow of that old friend. Did the pain happen? Yes. Was it hard and will it always be hard to accept? Yes. A deep breath and I look at what is in front of me. I look at the good things that I have, and I focus on that.

Over the years I have learned to not ignore the darkness that will always haunt me. Ignoring it has proven to be dangerous. For the sake of my own happiness, I must acknowledge that it exists within me. By knowing that it is there I can continue to work on self-improvement. Afterall the goal is to be better than the person I was before. The goal is to be the hero to my own distress. I can be who I need the most even during the times that seem the darkest because even though it is dark it can’t always be night. There is a sunrise waiting for me and I chose to find it.

You were, no you are a big part of my life and one of the biggest reasons I am still here. You are one reason I can still be here for my son. You are one reason I can still help others. Though through this whole process I have also learned that I can’t exhaust myself helping others. I need to take care of myself first. By doing so I can continue to keep myself out of the darkness. I think that you would be proud.

Until we meet again.