Why Are We Like This?

I used to date a guy who would stand me up CONSTANTLY. He wouldn’t respond to my texts for days, he’d cancel plans for weird reasons and I’d think “I can’t do this any more, it’s over!”. Then we’d meet up and everything would seem totally fine... in fact it was kinda nice... so I couldn’t bring myself to let him go. But then, soon enough, the pattern would repeat again.

Whyyyy was it so hard to break out of this? I wanted it to stop, but it seemed impossible to step away once and for all. I knew it was unhealthy, but the temptation to stay was far too strong to allow me to act on what I knew I needed to do deep down. It seemed hopeless.

This struggle doesn’t just happen in relationships. It also shows up with food choices, lack of exercise, career progression, (*cough) screen use and much more.

If this sounds familiar don’t worry - it can be stopped! It doesn’t have to be an uphill battle. It doesn’t mean you have something wrong with you, or insufficient willpower. In fact, you hardly need willpower at all if you can eliminate the four subconscious saboteurs I’m about to share with you.

If you’re feeling like you’re having trouble taking the right action for YOU in your life, keep reading to find out what’s working against you, and what you can do about it.

1. WE DON’T LIKE OURSELVES

Can you honestly say that you like yourself? How about love yourself? If you felt a slight cringe, or even if you had to pause to think, this probably applies to you.

The trouble I had personally with this was that I had no idea how much I disliked myself. I needed others to point out the way I said sorry all the time, and how I always deflected compliments. They helped me hear my own voice constantly putting myself down, even though I argued that it was humour and sarcasm.

I thought I was practicing humility, but truthfully I was driving my self worth into the ground.

When we don’t believe we’re valuable, we tend to make choices in line with this belief. For me this looked like eating a lot of packaged food, always wearing daggy clothes, and putting up with a relationship in which I was getting treated the way that I thought I deserved (otherwise I wouldn’t have stayed).

So how did I learn to like myself, or even love myself?

Well, it was a journey for sure! But here are a few actions that were particularly potent for me:

- Looking in the mirror and finding things I liked about myself

- Writing a list of my traits and achievements that I’m proud of

- Spending time with people who helped me feel good about myself

- Making myself a nourishing meal or hot drink and savouring it

- Self massage and other self care practices

2. WE FIXATE ON WHAT WE DON’T WANT

When we’re not happy with aspects of our life, it’s easy to focus on what is wrong and try to find solutions for them. Often this keeps us in a perpetual loop where we recreate the same situation for ourselves without realising, over and over again.

When all we see is imperfection, guess what we’ll continue to experience? Yep: MORE imperfection.

This is precisely what I was doing in the relationship. I’d think about how wrong it was that he’d left me hanging again, and how he just needed to get better at communicating. I’d compare our relationship to others and see all of the things that we needed to fix. I constantly worried about coming across as weak or needy, rather than thinking about who I did want to be.

My focus on wrongness was keeping me in it.

Eventually this led to me forgetting what I did want. I tried to express my needs but couldn’t - I didn’t even know what they were.

Thankfully I saw the light, and decided to write a list of what my ideal relationship would look and feel like. I found ways that I could feel good now, guessed what my needs might be and took action towards having them met.

3. PART OF US BELIEVES THAT HAVING WHAT WE WANT IS BAD OR DANGEROUS

Unfortunately many of us carry conditioned beliefs that tell us that it’s actually safer to be where we are right now. A common situation I hear of is that people are keeping their weight on because they don’t want attention from others that would come with a lighter body. It’s their way of hiding.

Others might be afraid of having a lot of money because part of them is terrified that people will try to take it from them, or that it will tear their family apart. My fear was that if I was with someone who treated me better, maybe they would lose interest in me. So better to just keep living this familiar hell, right?

Wrong!

Well, I guess you can do whatever you choose! But my way around this is getting those unhelpful beliefs down on paper. Are they absolutely true? Where did they come from? Is there evidence in your life for the contrary? Which do you choose to believe now? Then write the new belief on your bathroom mirror and watch your life transform!

4. WE LIKE THE FAMILIAR CHAOS OR DISCOMFORT

This isn’t just for those who grew up in a chaotic household, although that can be a major contributor. Anybody who has lived a fast-paced life for a period of time will eventually be affected at the cellular level. We learn to function with higher levels of stress hormones to the point that it feels like our normal. That’s safe, or “home”, for us.

Then when things become still or quiet, we find it excruciating. We even use “um” to fill the space between words when we’re speaking. We can’t sit down in a waiting room without pulling out our phone or drive the car without the radio on. We’ve forgotten the feeling of true peace.

So we might stay in the situation that is causing us pain because a part of us actually prefers being there. It would be boring if everything was going well, or maybe there’s a fear of the uncertainty of a new situation. We may even feel bonded to others around us by this habit, so our pain is actually giving us a way to belong.

As crazy as it sounds, this is a huge reason that people stay stuck in a life they aren’t happy with. So my question for you here is: is there anything to be gained from staying where you are? Is this a good enough reason to keep you there?

You may have guessed that I made my way out of the unhealthy relationship, but that was just one part of how my life transformed. When I’d learned to love myself, focus on what I wanted, eliminate unhelpful beliefs and learn how to feel good, it became natural for me to exercise more and eat healthier food. Decisions about my career became simple, and I happened to also attract the man of my dreams.

So next time you ask yourself “Why am I like this?!” when you make a choice you’re not proud of, I invite you to review these points and find out exactly why. Then you get to choose what you’d like to do about it.