Why Am I This Way?

"You're such a Diva."

"You're so OVERDRAMATIC."

If I could remember all the things I have been called for my overreactions this would be a 50-page blog post. Am I a diva? Probably. Am I overdramatic? Definitely. But not for the reasons you're thinking. I love shoes, makeup, and knockoff sunglasses with bling. I do love attention when I am in a good mood, which is often. I get really into fictional characters. It doesn't matter if it's books, movies, or tv shows and I will tell people everything that happened in a very overdramatic fashion so they completely understand all the important parts.

Honesty is the Best Policy

Okay, most of that is a lie. I am overdramatic because I am hardly ever in a good mood and I fake it really well. I overdramatize things so people think I am excited about it. When really I don't even want to be there. There are probably 4 people I actually want to be around. But being alone is worse than being around people I don't want to be around. And today I am alone and it's a really bad day so I am writing this to distract myself. Tried talking to a couple of people that can always bring me out of this spiral but they are both busy. I asked a reassurance question and they read it and haven't answered.

So the spiral gets worse. You know the drill. The movie starts playing in your head of your friends having the "BEST DAY EVER" while you are curled up in an emotional burrito of six fuzzy blankets and fourteen pillows. The voices reminding you of every rude, sarcastic comment that you have ever made that drew a look of wtf is wrong with you from their eyes. Now you are laying there wrapped up so tight that you would have to inchworm to the bathroom wishing they would just pick up the phone so you could apologize to sobs and ugly cry tears.

Normal people's reaction equals "So what". This is probably what you're thinking. But it's not that easy. I want it to be. I am doing better. Because 3 years ago if this would have happened I would have been blowing up their phone. Asking what I did wrong. I would have gone full spiral. I would have been blocked by now for sure. In my head, I hear their answer in the negative. Saying well that was a stupid question and you're not worth an answer so maybe if I don't answer you will just go away. When in reality I know they're busy and probably going that was a stupid question and you already know the answer and I'm not playing this silly game right now because you're brain is playing tricks on you. Not because they would answer in the negative but because they don't understand what my Borderline Personality Disorder actually does. I literally asked an almost identical question to the same person like last week and then a slightly different one 2 days ago. (Their opinion matters to me). They put up with it well, I appreciate it.

It Could have been a Good Day

So most people would have loved to have had my day. Not a thing to do but whatever I wanted. Of course, I have no money but still, I could play video games, watch tv, go to the lake, or hang out with friends. What did I do? I laid in bed and cried wondering what the hell is wrong with me and why. I had the same routine for months and it changed because of circumstances beyond my control. My brain has still not caught up. Why? Because I obsess about every little detail and what I could have done differently. Even though if I force myself to think logically, I know that there was not a thing in the world I could have done because I am not the jackass whisperer.

Will it ever get better? Maybe, maybe not.

I actually forgot about starting this. Going back and reading it I remember the situation. It didn't end the way I wanted it to that's for sure. And to say I'm not proud of the way I handled it is an understatement. Maybe one day I will turn that little event into its own little story. It was that dramatic. However, looking back I can see that it happened the way it was supposed to. Now if I could just learn to start recognizing that in the moment.....Baby steps.