Who Am I?

"Who am I?"

A question so many of us have asked ourselves quietly in our minds while the air is still, no one around, while we contemplate the question.

I can tell you who I'm not better than I can describe who I am.

I've always had this issue, this block. I struggle to describe who I am to myself because I honestly have no idea. This is a question that has kept me up more times than not. Why is it so hard to figure it out?

Maybe because I'm always growing, realizing, understanding something new about myself. Something that wasn't quite at the forefront of my mind... something that popped the "ah-ha" balloon. Then I start to spiral into understanding this new found informative moment by replaying my entire life and seeing how this thing has been playing, operating in the background of my life until I suddenly realized, "oh yeah, that's so me!"

The realization adds to the infinite layers of who I am and the question loops back again..."who am I?"

Does this happen to you? Does your brain also work this way?

Please tell me I'm not alone in this, but even if I am, the question remains.

I am many things, but everything that I can think that I am are subgroups to me. I'm a parent. Worker. Daughter. To me these are jobs, these are relationship-based areas in my life. I'm not trying to take away the roles I play for others, but these are NOT me. I was me before I entered the job force, before I became a parent. I've always been someone's daughter, but who was I, who am I outside of realizing I was born from someone?

I'm a human. I'm a mammal.

But there has to be more to it than that... right?

I could tell you who I wish to be, my future-self. But I'm not in the future, I'm presently here, in the now.

Who am I today?

Without the external connections through friends and family.

If you asked my kids, mom, grandparents, friends; they would each tell you something different. Something they perceive to be true. But does that mean it's MY truth?

I'm a "hard" worker, my jobs says. Am I honestly a hard worker or is my job just "easy" to me?

I don't perform any laborious activities for my job. I show up, clock-in and do my tasks; clock-out and go home. Wash, rinse, and repeat.

I'm a "good" mom, from those that have seen me be a mom or even from my kids. What constitutes as being a "good" mom and am I actually such?

All my kids' needs are met yes, I try my hardest to meet their emotional and mental needs as much as their physical needs; so maybe in societal terms I am a "good" mom.

I'm a "great" listener, says my friends. Am I? Half the time I'm thinking about what I'd be doing after my interaction with them or trying to figure out what I'm going to say next that doesn't sound stupid.

I've picked up enough social cues along the way in my life to know how to communicate with people. I study social interactions like my life depends on it, because it does.

I realize I struggle in social settings, but should that be the thing that helps describe or define me? Is that truly part of me or something that I need to continuously work through?

Who am I?

A person struggling to figure it out.

And when I do, I'll let you know.