When I Walked Away!

It had been only six months and my marriage was going down the tubes fast. As much as I hated to admit it at the time, I had been played by a man who could be very abusive. The red flags were there and I was just blinded by his charm initiative. Also, I do not do vague well. Some people tried to warn me however they did it in very indirect ways. Now after 21 years working with women primarily in the Islamic community who had been victimized now I know why the warnings came in such an indirect manner. It can be dangerous to come right out and tell a woman in our community “You are in danger.” First in our community there is the burden of proof required by our teachings. A very good thing most of the time however not so good in situations of abuse. Then we have people so afraid that what they say could do damage to the community they go just a bit too far to the right when it comes to married women being in potential danger. Also, most women who think they have found a suitable mate many times just do not want to hear it.

Now that I look back on it I was just caught off guard. The brother knew how to cover his anger problem. He was angry at the world due to losing a lawsuit. Now that I see him many years later, I think something else was going on inside of him. Maybe a large case of “Short man syndrome or Napoleon Syndrome.” After this happened I doubted myself for a while, like many survivors of domestic abuse I blamed myself for what happened. One thing I was grateful for that I listened to my heart tell me to leave and leave now! See he did not hit me, he was verbally abuse and threaten to hit me. Most people in my community at the time (back in the 90s) would tell women who came to them with complaints of verbal abuse to go pray, etc. It simply was not thought of by many as a real problem.

Well, I left and with the help of an elderly neighbor who owned property and who knew what he had done to his first wife she gave me the key to a one-bedroom duplex and gave me 30 days to come up with the money to pay her. This was truly a miracle and helped me get started on my way to freedom. Now, next was getting free from him emotionally. This was not too hard to do all I had to do was remember the threat and any thought of returning raced away. All these years when I occasionally think of what happened, he wanted me to leave and just did not want to be the one responsible for the break-up. In the Islamic community divorce is considered a serious travesty. Many people hesitate before following through. Many times women who have been abused will wait too long. Not wanting to have their reputation damaged. Now scripturally divorce is not forbidden. The Quran just cautions against rushing due to not thinking things through, etc. In our scripture it is stated that it is best to divorce than to do harm.

It was not easy for me for almost two years after because of being divorced. I had just been Muslim two years and some people well they thought I did not know enough about the religion, etc. He had been Muslim over 20 years. Even with an ex-wife who had been physically hurt by him some felt he held a higher standing than I did. Time past and through lots of prayers, continuing to take care of myself and not allowing what others had to say deter me I began to thrive.

My passion for helping other women not face what I faced or worse led to me and four other women beginning an organization to work primarily with women of the Islamic faith. We had heard that some Muslim women when they went to organizations that they were not heard or there was some bias against our faith and any tenant of it. Some were criticized about how they dressed (head covering, lose clothing and long skirts or dresses). Some social workers would blame them for not being able to get work as quickly as other survivors that they had as clients.

Our organization was able to raise funds through much struggle and open a home for women who were escaping abuse. In this home we were able to use our book of scripture the Quran to aid women in the recovery from their abuse. Bring in culturally competent counselors and others who could help them navigate getting jobs and most of all help them remain safe. There was much to say about us that was not nice however we knew we were doing what was right and continued our work. Our struggles were many due to some people not understanding how much it would take to maintain a place like we had and donations were not as plentiful as needed most of the time.

After eight years of managing the shelter hand to mouth we had to give it up when the big real-estate crash happened in 2008. My husband had loaned us the house we were in at the time. He could not make up the shortages for the loan payments anymore without putting our family home in jeopardy. When we could not pay all or some of the rent he would make up the difference. This was his donation to the organization. It hurt however we knew we had to give it up. We scrambled to make sure the residents could find other housing before the doors closed for good. We were successful in getting everyone placed in alternative housing.

Now 21 years later the original founders have retired from providing housing and moved on to other activities. Many things have changed in the work because of technology and recently the pandemic. We raise funds now to help other organizations who serve survivors of domestic abuse in our community and give out some charity as needed to people who need simple things like gas money, utility bills paid and the like. Looking back, I see how living in abuse like living during a war can be extremely damaging to the mind, body and soul. The people of Ukraine are being abused by President Putin. He is also hurting the Russian people by not allowing them to learn the truth about what is happening in Ukraine. Although he has the upper hand for now he will lose in the end. You can’t tell as many lies as he has told, double down on them and then allow women, babies in a hospital maternity ward to be bombed. You cannot kill innocent children and win.