What Is Guilt-tripping? And How to Free Yourself From Its Complex Web

Have you ever made someone feel guilty to get them to do something you want or to change their behavior to suit your convenience?

Have someone else done that to you?

Well, that’s a guilt trip. Though not all guilt trips are the same.

Sometimes guilt trips are done with self-interest and other times with the interest of the other. Sometimes we guilt-trip with conscious intention and other times we do it unwittingly.

Here follows a few examples,

a) Her boyfriend wants to give her ‘a surprise visit’ when he knows she’s to meet with her (male) friend. Then she’s reproved for not instantly having answered his calls, and given culpability for not meeting with him. He says he’s worried about her and that it is for her concern (this friend is indeed unreliable). She feels guilty, even if she knows she’s done nothing wrong and that her friend is not a bad person.

b) Your partner repeatedly gets a headache whenever you have an argument. You feel guilty because you critiqued her and feel like you shouldn’t have brought it up. She doesn’t say it directly, rather it’s implied that you gave her the headache by bringing up the critique. (And you better not do it again.)

c) A friend writes you the second she sees you’re online and wants to tell you every little detail of her day. You feel guilty if you don’t answer her — right away. Even if you were busy doing something else and entered WhatsApp only to respond to a short message. If you don't respond her then and there, you fear you'll upset her and be ghosted.

d) A brother seizes his little sister’s snuggle bear from her embrace. As his mother sees this she makes him look at his sister to see how he made her feel. He feels a sting of guilt and empathy for his sister’s pain and, so, he gives it back.

Guilt-tripping isn’t invariably bad. But when it’s done with self-interest it tends to be.

It’s prevailing in many—if not most—close relationships. It tends to be most detrimental when it’s done with a clandestine self-interest and without the awareness of doing so. It’s a way of seeking control of the other. Something the other, of course, do not tend to appreciate very much. If it becomes pervasive it can erode the love away from a relationship.

Excessive use of guilt trips often pushes the ones we love and want the most away. If not physically, certainly emotionally. (Ironically, the opposite of what we want to achieve.)

Guilt is often abused — that’s the problem

Guilt is a powerful feeling, a moral feeling even. Thank God, we have the capacity to feel guilt — it indicates we have a conscience.

When we have done something morally dubious we feel bad. Especially if our deed hurt someone else. We want to amend. That is guilt for you. An unpleasant, but often beneficial feeling.

Though sometimes people use this feeling against us. To get us to behave as they like. They rationalize and disguise their reasons why—also for themselves—making it difficult to address their behavior.

It’s a form of manipulation. (Uh-oh.)

It’s easier to succumb to their desire than to bite into the sour apple and address what they’re doing. It often seems kind of inconsequential. Give them what they want and you’ll have peace of mind (for a while). Why blow up a storm for ‘nothing?’

Well, that’s feeding into their behavior. And they might become better at it.

At the end of the day, it’ll — inevitably — crawl out of the woodwork.

Because accumulated unjust guilt tends to make us resentful. No one likes to feel manipulated. Slowly but steadily the affectionate feelings abate and the emotional intimacy becomes weaker. (Over months, over years, and, as it may, over decades.)

Thus, the sooner it’s addressed the better potential you have for a long-term healthy relationship. Because people actually can change their ways. There's no guarantee that they will, but the only real chance of knowing—is by being sincere and addressing the problems we have in our relationships.

Clear the air. Don’t allow the love to dwindle and the relationship to become shackled in guilt and attachments.

To be clear, there are times when guilt-tripping isn't bad: when it's done with a well-meaning, conscious intention. E.g., a mother who induces guilt in her child when he's misbehaved to allow him to amend and correct his behavior is generally a pretty good thing. It's done in his best interest.

Why do we obliviously guilt-trip one another?

(Clandestine) guilt-tripping behavior is rooted in insecurity and the need for control. If we haven’t learned how to evolve trust — controlling others gives an erroneous sense of safety. This insecurity likely stems from attachment issues from childhood. If we’ve mostly experienced conditional love — and have not become aware of it — we’re doomed to repeat similar behaviors.

Instead of saying straight out what we need and want to feel safe, we try to guilt others into doing what we need. Sometimes, to 'test’ their love for us.

Thus, some forbearance — without indulgence — is needed to have for one another. We all have our insecurities to work on. So, please, try to understand where this behavior stems from and try to address it with a tad bit of compassion.

What to do when you think someone is guilt-tripping you

Let's presume it's a romantic relationship we're talking about now and that there's quite a bit vested in it and there's a sincere will for it to continue.

First, don’t act on the impulse to soothe their needs. It’s not cruel — it’s the antithesis of cruel. Over the long haul, you might help them become a more aware and better person by not indulging in their insecure, unconstructive behavior.

Then, take a step back. Reflect. How do you feel? Do their needs make sense? If so, are they communicating it directly or are they trying to play on your guilt circumlocutorily? Do you feel that you should be held accountable, or do you feel like the guilt is unjust?

Give yourself some time to think about it.

This effort to reflect and introspect is crucial. (In silence, without distractions!)

If their needs make sense — you might want to help them. You might also want to address how they’re communicating their needs. In a calm and caring manner, tell them that you understand their needs, but you do not appreciate that they’re playing on your guilt. Ask them to communicate in a more direct manner without playing on your feelings. And tell them how their behavior makes you feel. But make sure to calm down first, so it doesn’t become a personal attack affair!

And if you feel — from deep down — you haven’t done something wrong and you don’t think you should do as they like—e.g., stop seeing that friend of yours, as for the above example ‘a)’—don’t do it. Though meditate on it first, perhaps you’re partner is on to something. The devil is in the details. Be honest with yourself. Then act accordingly. And talk with your partner.

Have a conversation about trust. (Yes, this takes both courage and effort, sorry there's no way around that.) Ask them what they need to feel safe and trust you. Let them talk, let them think. Let them say wrong things too. (Patience, patience, patience, please.) And show them that you’re there, show them that they can trust you, but that you’re not there to indulge at their every whim. Stand your ground for what you believe to be true and right.

If they cannot accept that, and continue the guilt-tripping behavior — despite all your goodwill efforts — you might want to consider reducing the contact or perhaps severing the ties with them.

Excessive guilt can be tearing—don't let it turn you into something you don't want to become

As it was stated on verwellmind,

'Feelings of excessive guilt are associated with several mental health conditions, including anxiety, depression, and obsessive-compulsive disorder. Being subjected to guilt trips may contribute to the development or worsening of such conditions.'

If guilt is not resolved but rather built upon, it also builds up in our bodies. Guilt is only good if we can amend for what we’ve done (if we truly have done something wrong). If others use it to get their way it might actually cause us harm. Even if they don’t see or understand it, even if it’s not intentional—it’s not an acceptable excuse for us to allow it to go on. And we need to do something about it.

We cannot force change upon others, what we can do is change our reaction to what others do to us. We can learn to communicate better and address the issues in our lives that need to be addressed—opening up for the possibility of change in others. And we can put limits to and cut ties, if and when, relationships are doing us more harm than good. (That's not selfish.)

Final Words

Guilt-tripping is common: it may occur in romantic relationships, within family relationships, close friendships, and in the workplace.

Don’t let people prey on your guilt (or vice versa). It’s not ok. Reflect, journal, and talk with people of confidence, or with a therapist to help you sort out what is what. So that you can disentangle what you are and what you are not you guilty of, and decide upon a sensible way to confront the guilt trips.

Then try to communicate to the best of your ability. Calm down first. Make clear what you want to say, but be prepared to also listen. Rarely, if ever, is one person 100 % right and the other 0 %.

Give each other time and space to think and work on things.

Have forbearance, but don’t be indulgent — and know the difference because it's vital.

Anytime you feel guilt: be sure to sort out your true accountability. Yes, you should take responsibility, you should care for others’ wellbeing, just make sure it makes sense to both your heart and your mind. How can you be a good person to others if it implies spoiling your own mental wellbeing?

Originally published on Medium.