What Depression Has Taught Me
Feeling Lost and Alone
My name is Guerline, but you can call me Gigi. I am 28-years-old and overcoming my battle with depression. Now, my life has always been very difficult. Dark days began to feel normal. Especially if it's all you're used to. Earlier this year I sat on my bed staring at a jar of prescribed pain killers wanting to do nothing else, but take a hand full and hope my internal and mental pain would finally end. In that moment, as I sat there, I began to see my future—a future that I know I want but unsure as how to get it. I saw all the things that I've always wanted right in front of me clear as day as if I had already received them. In that moment I decided that this isn't my time to go there's so much more that I need to accomplish. One of them was defeating this monster and not letting it win. With depression your mind suddenly feels as if it belongs to someone else, someone who controls your mood and spirit. I realized that I was allowing the pain that I was going through to define me and control my outcome.
Depression has, in a way, been a gift... a crazy unwanted gift that taught me it's okay to cry. It's okay to not be yourself. It's okay to take time and be alone. It's okay to distance yourself from the world so you can figure out what YOU want. It took being depressed to feel whole again. I know that sounds crazy, but when you feel like there's nothing left and that ending your life would make it all better something deep inside is awoken and you begin to feel a little more alive each day, wanting to be active and be a part of the world.
That is when you truly start to be yourself again. I had finally began the healing process. First thing I did was open up about what was going on and let the people around me know that I was not okay and that I needed their help. It's never easy asking for help—especially if you're someone like me who hates having anyone do anything for them. It sometimes seems easier to face things alone... until you realize that this situation is too big to handle alone. I had to put my pride aside and say, "Hey, I need help" and not be ashamed. I began talking more and feeling less alone. It started to feel like maybe I could get through this. You may be feeling like there's no way you'll get through this and that maybe the world would be better without you. I'm here to tell you that you are wrong. You are special, life can sometimes be unfair.
You might feel lost with no sense of direction or alone in a world full of people. I know what that feels like, but it doesn't have to dictate the person you will be. You have to fight, I had to find that one thing that completely brought me joy and focus my attention on that. Whatever makes you happy or smile let that be the reason to keep going. Let that be the reason to want to get up in the morning. Even if people around you don't fully understand, do whatever you have to to be happy. Your happiness matters. One of my favorite things to do is listen to music, it instantly puts me in a better mood. I get lost in the music so much that I forget why I was even sad in the first place. Allow yourself true happiness. No one can give you that other then yourself.