Understanding Trauma: PTSD

Almost all rape victims have PTSD. A single traumatic incident is enough for someone to develop PTSD. What do you tell them when they are trying to describe their feelings? Do you tell insensitive things like "It has happened in the past, you think too much about the past?". Do you know that silently listening to the traumatized victim could help them heal faster than saying insensitive things. Or worse, if you don't believe them, it could traumatize them more (double-triple-10 times trauma).

What if the victim is raped everyday? She might face 1000 times more trauma. Nobody will get used to getting traumatized. Another traumatic incident over a top of a traumatic incident only traumatizes the victim 10 times more.

Now, what if the victim is raped everyday but nobody believes her feelings? The trauma is going to be 1000000 times worse.

What if the victim is a child? She grows up in a traumatized state of mind. Her rational mind doesn't develop. She believes that getting raped is part of growing up. So, for an adult, if the trauma becomes 1000000 times worse, for a child with a traumatized state of mind (and no rational mind), the trauma is infinite times worse. They can't function normally.

Now, what if the rapist is your own mother?

My situation is worse than all of the situations I described above. My mom traumatized me for good grades (not just everyday but every minute). You might think that rape is a far worse crime than nagging about grades. You might also think that physically hurting someone is worse than emotionally hurting them. Emotional trauma can be worse than physical trauma. How long does it take to rape someone? 5-10 minutes? The rapist usually disappears after the crime. Mom used to follow up on my grades every 1 minute (yelling with increasing intensity each time), slap me, squeeze my hands, push me to a wall, gaslight me, compare me with the highest performing student in the class and demand why I couldn't be just like her. Is not living up to her expectations so wrong?

She is narcissistic. She identified her self image through me. She is obsessed over my grades. Narcissists do anything for their self image. She saw me as an extension of herself but not as a different human being. She lacked empathy on her own daughter. She felt entitled for the best and traumatized me until I reached that goal. Imagine that you are riding a bullock cart while whipping the bull and that you have no empathy on the bull. Say the bull is not running fast enough for you. So, you whip it hard. Sill the bull isn't meeting your expectations. So, you whip, whip, whip it repeatedly till it bleeds. Due to the pain, the bull might not run as fast as it was running before it bled. That was me in my 9th grade. I remember having CPTSD (complex PTSD-though it was diagnosed last month). My brain was traumatized and I wasn't able to perform as well as I was able to perform before I was traumatized. Because my performance dropped, my mom was traumatizing me with increasing frequency. My already traumatized mind was getting more and more traumatized and the trauma kept circling in my brain.

She felt that my step father is the best man in the world. She felt entitled to having him (narcissistic). She didn't listen to the red flags that me or my aunt told her. She didn't even believe me when I told her that he molested me and dragged me into his car. Yes, she is a horrible. She felt entitled to him and wanted him, that's all. When I was not willing to accept him as my dad, it hurt her self image. She felt entitled to having me respect and love him. She wants wants wants wants what she wants. She doesn't care about my feelings. She doesn't even see me as a human being. So, whenever her self image was hurt, it was the end of the world for her and she gaslighted me. She compared me to my dad and told "you are exactly like your dad, you can't socialize, you don't like people". Is this what a mother tells her daughter when the daughter says "he molested me"? She believes only what she wants to believe.

Once me and my older cousin had an argument and I cried. It hurt her self image that I cried and she slapped me. From that day, I made light of my own feelings and started smiling whenever I felt traumatized. So, smiling too much is a trauma response for me.

In 11th grade, my grades were 93/100 in English, 91/100 in Sanskrit, 71/75 in Math A, 73/75 in Math B, 54/60 in Physics, 45/60 in chemistry (overall 91%). That hurt her self image. So, she had to gaslight me. She wrote them up on a piece of paper and showed it with her arms stretched out to everybody who walked by.

Once, she knew that my best friend's birthday was on the next day.

mom (at 10 pm): go to bed.

me: I will sleep later.

mom: are you waiting for midnight?

I didn't answer her.

mom (at 10:02 pm): go to bed.

me: I will sleep later.

mom: are you waiting for midnight?

I didn't answer her.

mom (at 10:03 pm): go to bed.

...........................

She is very desperate and repetitive. When she wants something, she has to have it. Plus, she won't forget anything. She watches me like a hawk. She is obsessed over me and watches my every move (links it to my grades and gaslights me). Whenever she gaslighted me about my grades, she also brought this up multiple times "she stays up till midnight to wish her friends, she won't study anything". If I go to the bathroom, she says "you are always going to the bathroom, you are not studying anything". When I ate two ice creams for 70 rupees, she gaslighted me loudly by repetitively saying that I went to watch a movie but I lied to her about eating ice creams. She went to the store to verify the cost of ice creams.

In my 4th grade, I lost my shoes at a party. I was so scared of mom (she gaslighted and traumatized me way too many times before). I was crying while repeatedly saying "I lost my shoes, my mom will yell at me". The host got too irritated with me and didn't forget me for years. So, being repetitive is a trauma response for me.

Once my friend (male) called me. He was playing phone tag with me. Mom jumped and pounced on my phone to listen for the voice. Her self image was in danger when her daughter talked to men. She immediately gaslighted me. She told that I wasn't like Manasa (top performing child) who didn't talk to anybody. But why should I be like Manasa? Once, when I didn't go to Guntur, she told that she would hire a detective to check on me. She kept asking about this male friend everyday. She was peeing into my room from time to time (to eavesdrop my conversations). I was talking over my phone in a train and when I turned around, she was right behind me. I didn't even know that she followed me till the exit door. She kept asking my cousins if they knew about this male friend. She felt entitled to know everything about my life. All she thinks about is me. She is obsessed about me - her self image. She never saw me as a different human being but an extension of herself.

Guilt tripping a child will go a long way. The child is going to believe that they do nothing right. Her favorite thing to do is to gaslight me in front of others. My grandparents only support mom as mom is their daughter and the best manipulative story teller. Plus, everybody in my circle take the mother's side during a fight between the mother and daughter. Mom always passes silly judgements while gaslighting (that seem so believable for other people). She said "her academic performance is lowering but her attitude isn't. She doesn't talk to her stepfather". So, my stepfather molested me. I was angry on him. I hate him. But because my grades were low, I should feel that I was less than a human being, swallow my genuine feelings and talk to him. Is this what she expected from me? My grandfather didn't say a word. My grandmother was supporting my mom and joined her in gaslighting me. It seems I was being a horrible daughter. I wasn't satisfying my mom's wish of seeing me top the exams. So, the bull in the above example was not just whipped by one person but multiple people were taking turns to hit the bull (while enjoying watching it bleed to death). How can anyone study when they have mental impairments?

Not only was she traumatizing me, but she turned everybody around me against me. Having an IQ of 111 isn't my fault. So, I could never meet mom's expectations. Mom doesn't understand why I (extension of herself) couldn't get top grades. Her self image was in great danger. She has to do anything and everything to save her self image. She was desperate. She doesn't see me as a different human being. I was very scared of mom. I felt entitled to meet her expectations and traumatized myself till I accomplished them (to be answerable to her). My rational mind didn't develop. My emotional mind was filled with trauma. Because of trauma, my academic performance dropped. Mom couldn't take it. She couldn't take it. She couldn't take it. She traumatized me by being desperate and repetitive. So, my traumatized mind was further getting traumatized. This went in cycles for years.

So, every time she yelled at me, my traumatized defenses were to perform like a drama artist to safeguard my self image (which in turn is her self image). I traumatize myself to live up to her self image. My mom never taught me how to stand up for myself. She indeed severely punished me whenever I set boundaries (step father, bolting my door). In addition, I was constantly bullied by her. Every time she bullied me, I wouldn't know how to react. She mocked my every reaction and gaslighted me. It was so extreme that if I didn't get yelled by anyone in a span of an hour, it felt so abnormal.

Constantly getting yelled at and mistreated (with lack of empathy) was a normal part of my growing up. How will you react when a teacher picks you among all the students in the class and yells at you? Get defensive and say things in a timid tone to save yourself from embarrassment? Just keep a sad face and act unapproachable? Cry?

Now what if the teacher is picking on you everyday? Or worse, because the teacher is picking on you, other students in your class also pick on you? Your rational mind might find a way to deal with it. You might tell your parents and go to a different school. What if your rational mind is underdeveloped? Say, you were traumatized from your Kindergarten. Say whenever you cried, the teacher slapped you? You are afraid of your own genuine feelings. So, this time the teacher picks on you, though your heart is filled with pain and you wouldn't know how to react, you will try different things (other than crying). I never was honest with myself what my true feelings were. I used to say things that I didn't mean and that mom wanted to hear(repeatedly) in a desperate attempt. I used to act like I love my stepfather. I became a drama artist. Nobody saw it as a trauma response. People hated me for being dramatic. I also projected highly of myself in front of others because I was traumatized to be boastful by mom. So, being boastful is another traumatized defense that I developed to satisfy my scary mom.

Collectively, my traumatized defenses are:

1) being boastful

2) being desperate and repetitive

3) enact dramas like an immature child and give excessive details. She keeps repeatedly asking the same question again and again. When you are not taught how to stand up for yourself and are constantly traumatized, your underdeveloped rational mind tells you to find ways to avoid getting traumatized and you might develop these stupid defenses.

4) feel entitled for something and traumatize myself till I accomplish it (to be answerable to my DEMON mom)

5) All I cared about was grades and nothing else. I was traumatized for grades. So, the thought of opening a book and studying for exams itself traumatizes me. In a classroom, I might appear like the most uninterested student to the teacher. The very thought of a lecture traumatizes me. The Professors don't see it that way. I got yelled at by Prof. Kumaresan in his Math Topology class. He said "why are you not interested in learning anything?".

6) too conscious about my clothes, body and weight. My mom used to call me 'ugly'.

7) passing silly judgements and devaluing others. You should remember that I didn't have a rational mind. I didn't know what I was doing was wrong. My mom used to do that to me and I did that to others.

8) being impatient (always in a hurry). My mom traumatized me for the 1 minute delay in getting the train tickets (for letting someone go ahead of me).

9) being nervous and unapproachable. She used to compare with my friends and traumatize me. So, I didn't even want to make friends. Plus, she yells that I am wasting my time with friends and not studying. She expects me to study all the time. Pretty sure, if she has to study like that, she would have gone mad. Like I said, she doesn't see me as a human being. Because of her, I never even had a social life. I was too occupied with myself. I was never friendly or empathetic. I was very selfish. I was always occupied with grades and what to study next.

10) smiling too much (I was slapped, traumatized, and gaslighted for crying). I was smiling as a trauma response in front of my teacher and he punished me for that. That punishment in turn traumatized me more.

11) I got severely punished whenever I set boundaries. So, whenever someone gaslights me, I give in to their demands. I was so naïve. I never rationalized what is right and what is wrong. Everybody yelled at me for everything and anything. So, I grew up in trauma and my traumatized brain is only afraid of people and encouraged them to yell at me. What would you do when someone appears cowardly and nervous. Either you empathize with them or you will take an authority over them (unknowingly) and yell at them.

12) For being desperate and repetitive, I got yelled at by many people. When Mahati was upset about failing an exam, I was repetitively telling her something else. I wasn't empathetic with her. She yelled at me and told that I was very irritating. I don't blame her. She was upset. Plus, she didn't know that being repetitive was a traumatized response for me.

13) I always talk about mom. This is because of my trauma. My mom is the demon that I am answerable to at all costs. She was co-dependent on me and obsessed about me. Her every thought is about me. So, I have the co-dependence on her too. Many thought that I have self pity. Nobody knew that it was CPTSD.

14) I was riding my moped in the middle of the road. Because of PTSD, nothing becomes second nature for me. Every time I do any task (even if it involves a very little amount of stress), it traumatizes me and my mind shuts off. I freeze. Sometimes, listening to a conversation or office meetings is stressful for me. My brain shuts off as a response to my trauma. I signaled left but didn't turn left. My brain shut off but the moped was running. So, I went straight. After realizing that I went straight, I signaled left again. I heard a loud yell "YOU GET OFF THE ROAD". He didn't see that as a trauma response. He was like any other person who would get irritated with crazy drivers. I don't blame him.

If I did not tell you about my trauma defenses, how will you picturize me? Like some child in a dark room who is afraid of his own shadow and keeps getting nightmares about his mom?

Well the child in the above situation could have been traumatized once or twice. I was traumatized everyday. So, I developed stupid defenses. I appear to be smiling, dramatic, desperate, stubborn, selfish, occupied, etc. You wouldn't think that I was traumatized (unless you are a psychologist). You might be judgmental and angry. Mom wasn't even gentle while waking me up from the bed. She would be so angry that I didn't wake up and study. She used her fingers to open my eyes up and blew air over my eyes. Then she hit on my back. I never had peace of mind my entire life (right from the time I get up).

Enough said about mom, I will now talk about how other people contributed to my trauma:

DAD:

Mom has emotional incest on me. Plus, my rational mind never developed because of trauma. So, I was emotionally immature. At 18, when I told dad (with teary eyes) that mom was traumatizing me, he was forcing me to stay with her by gaslighting that my trauma is nothing compared to the trauma he faced by his dad. He told that I was over reacting. If his dad was nearly as bad as mom, there is no way dad could have escaped without developing PTSD. Being a victim of mom's narcissism himself, my dad was not able to empathize with me. So, no wonder that nobody understood my trauma. In fact, I also don't know how much damage mom has done to me. How can a damaged good assess its own damage? But, if I have a daughter, I will never tell her "your pain is nothing". Is my dad heartless?

Dad further gaslighted me saying that I was immature and I should stay with mom. He is always in a constant fear that I could be hurt because I am a girl. Being immature was my trauma response. Whenever I talked like an adult, mom mocked it (with her lips crossed) and violently gaslighted me. Because I was talking like an immature child, I was traumatized again by my dad (by him not believing me and gaslighting me). My trauma only kept multiplying over the years because of both my parents.

He remembers how he never had peace of mind when he was with mom. She was constantly unhappy that he was a workaholic and kept sadistically torturing him everyday. My dad was already an adult with a rational mind. So, he could get rid of her. Because it was her husband, she could swap him with another one (update: my stepfather cheated on her and left her). Similarly, she was unhappy about my grades and constantly traumatized me. Because I am her daughter, she couldn't swap me with another child. So, over the years, she kept getting increasingly frustrated and traumatized me 100 times more. My dad didn't understand this simple logic. I had no rational mind at that time. I couldn't even advocate for myself and tell many things that I am telling right now. Remember, I grew up in trauma and 'trauma' is the only world I knew. All I knew was that I was extremely unhappy with her. I was hoping very much that my dad would save me. Though my mom traumatized me everyday, my heart wasn't broken. But my dad broke my heart. I had nobody to go to.

Aunt1: Mom's younger sister:

I was always talking about mom. She didn't see it as a trauma response. She got irritated and yelled at me that she didn't want to listen. My aunt wasn't able to understand how sadistically mom traumatized me. Being a mother herself, she is not capable of picturing a horrible mother. She was telling that remarriages are more common in America when I told that mom was dragging me into his car. I am pretty sure that Americans don't drag and force their children. My aunt talks nonsense to cover up for mom. Plus, if she believed me, isn't she loosing her sister. So, neither my dad nor my aunt empathized with me. My aunt forced me to talk to my mom when I didn't want to. I don't want to blame my aunt. Narcissists behave very well when they are outside their home. They do anything to protect their self image (including gaslighting others, telling manipulative stories, etc.). So, she couldn't picture the other face of mom. Also, my mom talks about me all the time. My aunt doesn't see it as an 'obsession of self image' but 'love of a mother for her daughter'. There is difference between love and obsession. When you love someone, you treat them as a human being. When you are obsessed about someone, you don't.

Cousin1: Aunt1's daughter:

My Cousin1 always tries to tell analogous stories of her friends' moms whenever I complain about mom. She and her mom might have thought that the analogies helped me but they irritated me. All I wanted was someone to acknowledge my feelings and a warm hug. My underdeveloped rational mind was screaming at me and telling that my mother did unacceptable things to me. I was seeking validation (because no body believed me). Her stories were ridiculously non serious. But again, if my dad doesn't understand my trauma, how could my cousin who is younger than me understand my trauma.

Cousin2: Oldest cousin:

Every time I complained about mom or tried to stay away from mom, she forced me to get together. She told that all moms nag for grades. As expected, she couldn't understand my trauma as well. When I told that I hated mom, she told Aunt2 (her mom) as she felt that it was so wrong to hate your own mother. Aunt2 ran and told my mom. My mom used it against me many times while gaslighting me. Cousin2 later apologized to me after she closely saw my mom's treatment of my grandmother (after I went to America). By then, I was already severely damaged. Three days before her death, my grandmother snitched to both my aunts that my mom told her "I am waiting for you to die. I don't even want to call you 'mom'".

Cousin 3 (my second cousin) and uncle1 (aunt1's husband):

My mom was nagging me about an exam over the phone and I hung up. Uncle1 saw me as a rude person who is disrespectful with her own mother. He also brushed off my clinical diagnosis of depression as nonsense (along with aunt1). Similarly, in a separate incident, my cousin3 felt that I was disrespecting my mom and told "you only know how to get grades. You don't know anything else. You don't know how to talk or behave". Nobody understands my trauma or hate for mom. They only see me as a spoilt brat.

Aunt3: Mom's brother's wife:

She never openly admits nor disapproves me whenever I complain about mom. She just likes to not get involved (natural human tendency). When I got diagnosed with depression, I didn't yet get diagnosed with PTSD. I was smiling and she thought that I was misdiagnosed with depression. She didn't know that it was a trauma response. As expected, she was narrating incidents from her childhood (it seems her mother didn't gift her a dress when she went on a trip to a fancy place). How is not gifting a dress anywhere close to traumatizing a child each and every day?

These people think that they were comforting me with their stories but they were damaging me. If only one of them just listened to me (instead of talking), I would have been healed by now. My underdeveloped rational kept seeking validation but in return, I was gaslighted, told stupid stories, and traumatized. Disbelief will also cause more trauma. It felt like they were brushing my feelings off.

Another thing that I would like to bring up: NEVER TELL THE VICTIM "YOU HAVE A GOOD LIFE, GOOD JOB, LOOK INTO THE FUTURE, STOP THINKING ABOUT YOUR PAST".

The victim already knows this. When the traumatized state of mind is active (which is about 90% of the time for PTSD victims), they unknowingly talk about their traumatic incidents. You should feel honored for having the victim's trust. All the victim needs is someone to just listen to them. You don't have to say anything. Just believe them and hug them. Human to human touch is the most powerful healing tool. When you say these unnecessary things, it only makes the victim think that their feelings are not important.

STOP THINKING ABOUT THE PAST. I hate this dialogue. It is very easy to say it. It might be easy to follow if you are not traumatized (I don't know). But for a traumatized victim, this is the most stupid thing to say. It is NOT easy for them to forget trauma and it also makes them question their sanity.

That is pretty much my life. Living your (reader of this article with no mental conditions) everyday life is my biggest dream. I try so hard, so hard, so hard to develop my rational mind and heal from CPTSD. I don't know what it is like to not have constant racing thoughts and flashbacks about mom. I am seeing a therapist. Whenever I feel like I made progress, soon a small amount of stress takes me back to my traumatized state of mind. Basically, anything and everything that is a second nature for you is a daunting task for me. When I freeze (like mentioned above), I can't even listen to anything. But I don't want to give up. I don't know how long this takes but I would rather die trying than give up. I give myself credit for recognizing these trauma responses (it is very hard to change them). I am working on changing them. For the first time in my life, I am being honest in my conversations. I am talking about my genuine feelings (not what mom wanted to hear). I am enjoying setting boundaries with others. I am enjoying the little things in life (cold breeze, Columbian food, making friends, making adult conversations, etc.) that I didn't do in the last 30 years because I was so occupied to satisfy my DEMON SADDISTIC mom.

I was traumatized. I developed stupid defenses. With those defenses, other people further traumatized me. This is pretty much my life.

Many people didn't understand how I was affected by mom when she was not living with me in America. They don't understand the co-dependence of the traumatizer. For childhood trauma survivors, their traumatizer will continue to influence their mind. When I told my traumatized mind that mom is powerless and that I don't owe her anything, my rational mind began developing. I cut my mom off from my life completely. If any of the aunts or cousins try to ask me to talk to my mom, I am going to the police station and getting a restraining order against them. I am stronger now. I can stand up for myself and not let anybody traumatize me anymore.