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Understanding Life at 25

by M. McFadden 2 years ago in trauma
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Chapter 2: Healing from past trauma

photo by Like Kawasha of M. McFadden

Healing from trauma is one of the hardest, most complicated, and messiest processes I have ever dealt with. Trauma is one of those things that affect everyone differently however, I believe that we can agree on at least a few of those negative effects and how they impact our lives.

Trauma can make relationships extremely hard, toxic, or even impossible.

My life has definitely had plenty of trauma to go around. I'll go more into details about that if requested, but to give a brief overview: My father was physically, sexually, and verbally abusive to me and my mother until he passed away suddenly in 2018. The emotional rollercoaster that was my childhood, left many scars and open wounds that I simply didn't know how to deal with.

The fact is that trauma makes it hard for you to see your worth and to love yourself and everyone knows that if you can't love yourself than you can't truly love anyone else.

After I was on my own, I realized that I didn't see the value in serious dating and especially marriage. After seeing my mother cheated on for 20 years and the amount of pain that it caused her...I was like HELL NO!

I casually dated a bunch of assholes and narcissists for about 2 years and actually ended up having a baby with one. Then I finally had enough and decided to give a nice guy a try ( for my sake and for my daughter's). And I met one! I met the nicest, sweetest, most compassionate man I'd ever met. Let's call him Brandon. Brandon and I fell in love instantly and he showed me a deep love that I had never known. This scared the living hell out of me. Unfortunately, I realized that I wasn't exactly ready to receive that kind of love. As soon as I came to that conclusion, I wanted to at least try, because I knew that he was the one for me. But boy let me tell don't really know how messed up you are until someone comes and looks right through you. Like that Nicki Minaj song, "Right Thru Me", I felt like I couldn't even hide my scars. The truth was that I didn't love myself enough to give Brandon the love that he was desperately trying to give me. I couldn't even receive it without doubt, anger, and suspicion and ended up hurting the first man that truly loved me.

My dad's actions had a direct effect on my love life, because I didn't love myself as a result of the years of abuse.

Picture from Nicki Minaj's "Right Thru Me"

Trauma is not your fault, but it is your responsibility to learn to be happy and live your life.

I laid in my bed crying after pushing Brandon away for the 10th time.

"What's wrong with me?"

"Why do I keep doing this to myself?"

"Why can't I just be happy?"

These were the questions that tormented me while I sobbed; I felt like I was breaking my own heart.

And the hard truth is that I was!

At that point, my dad had been dead for 2 years. He was gone and prior to his death, he was re-married and happy. I remember hating him for having the audacity to go and be happy.

"How dare he!?" I realized that just thinking about my feelings about that situation was making me angry and sad. I realized that I hadn't healed those deep wounds. I had some work to do.

Picture from Nicki Minaj's "Right Thru Me" video

THERAPY! Therapy was my saving grace and helped me do exactly that.

I learned from the many sessions I had with my therapist, how to process and heal everything that my dad did to me and my mom. I know we hear it all the time, but knowing in my heart and my mind that NOTHING WAS MY FAULT really helped me let go of a lot of pain and anger.

The same pain and anger that I brought into my relationship and was pushing my future husband away. Healing is messy, full of tears, long, and sometimes depressing; but doing the work is so important for your own life.

Photo of me by B. McNish

Learning to forgive those who hurt you, not for them but for yourself. So you can live a full and happy life that you deserve.

That's your responsibility and it's worth it.

love yourself and protect yourself


About the author

M. McFadden

When you've been through so much shit that not writing isn't an option. I also love to write lol. Hope you like it!

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