Under the green light

I lay here under this green light. I ponder all the things that could have been so different from the way that they are now.. Hi I’m Kayli and I got mental health issues. This one’s called anxiety. My breathing is tight my body is tense. And all I can gather from my racing thoughts is that regret seems to be the dominant force living within. Oh now here comes the depression. Crushing and spirit breaking as it is, depression and anxiety have become almost second nature. I’ve lost so fucking much to be honest. I’ve been crushed in too many ways to be “normal" ever again. Did I mention I struggle with addiction. Oh yea I got it all. Diagnosed bipolar type one with psychotic features, PTSD, social anxiety, and a stimulant misuse disorder. Oh but they don’t know I also am cross addicted to opiates now. But for the record what I listed is the official diagnosis of my local Gateway center. So but yea in the soft glow of this green light, I clearly see the mess that is me and my life. I wish I could have been normal once so that I could tell you all about how I just fell into this mess. But it seems there has always been mess. My mom first took me to a psychiatrist when I was 4. What business does a 4 year old have in a psychiatric office you may ask? Well apparently I was beating my head against brick walls almost knocking myself unconscious, biting myself drawing blood, and ripping my own hair out when I’d pitch temper tantrums. My question is how could I have been filled with such rage as a toddler? This same rage has accompanied me my entire life. Now 29 years old , if anything it seems, my rage has only amplified. I currently am out on bond. Well three different bonds. All violent charges pretty much. Stress consumes my waking thoughts. I don’t want to go to prison or county jail again. I’m still shocked by all the happenings myself. I’m not sure what evil has possessed me. But I feel so disassociated from my behaviors. Most times I feel like I’m just watching a horror movie while also staring and directing it at the same time. Crippled by anxiety, social anxiety and depression, I’m mostly alone as my people skills are pretty atrocious. I don’t know how to truly connect anymore. And when I find people I like or love it seems I push them away. Or scare them away. My entire family has withdrawn from me at this point. Anyone from the outside looking in labels me, or at least thus far is my experience. I’ve been labeled a piece of shit junkie. But if I could measure my tears in weight for you maybe hen you’d see or someone would see how much of a human being I am still. It wouldn’t change reality I’m sure but to be understood would be of paramount importance. My soul had been broken and I am a broken thing. The amount of sorrow my soul has swallowed has cost me any positive outlook that I could have ever had in life. Dark humor is a coping mechanism and I use it fairly frequently, although many find it more disturbing than humorous. Coincidentally, I find life more disturbing than humorous. How ironic right? That’s also a reoccurring theme in my life, irony. This green light perfectly illuminates the smoke billowing from my lit cigarette. I reflect on the many wishes I have for me and this life of mine. I hope for a better future. Filled with the sounds of my children’s laughter. I’ve lost both of my children due to my instability and criminal track record. But maybe a future exists where I stabilize and they can be a part of my life and I of theirs. The only real thing keeping me from just killing myself honestly, at this point, is hope and fear. I fear the next life may just be more miserable than this life has been thus far. I fear all the pain and sorrow have been for nothing. What if death just leads to darkness? Id rather stay under this green light with my depression and anxiety than to trust that there will be safety in the next life. Plus too much hope lives within me. I believe somehow someway all that has been lost will be returned. That things won’t always hurt so much. That I could truly be happy and make others as well. So but who knows the outcome? I sure don’t. All I know is I better try to get some sleep. Hope someone out there reads this and feels something. Cause I feel everything under this green light.