Kayli Carter
Bio
Stories (4/0)
Medusa
The lyrics for Medusa are as followed: Pop a pill, they say it helps, but they’ll never understand how it felt, knives up and down my spine, now I’m getting pretty pale, zombies hypnotized conversation getting pretty stale, can’t be the same no, I’ve seen past the veil, I’m covered in tracks this train has derailed, I am medusa and this must be hell, demons pursue me, I’ve fought tooth and nail.
By Kayli Carter3 years ago in Beat
Under the green light
I lay here under this green light. I ponder all the things that could have been so different from the way that they are now.. Hi I’m Kayli and I got mental health issues. This one’s called anxiety. My breathing is tight my body is tense. And all I can gather from my racing thoughts is that regret seems to be the dominant force living within. Oh now here comes the depression. Crushing and spirit breaking as it is, depression and anxiety have become almost second nature. I’ve lost so fucking much to be honest. I’ve been crushed in too many ways to be “normal" ever again. Did I mention I struggle with addiction. Oh yea I got it all. Diagnosed bipolar type one with psychotic features, PTSD, social anxiety, and a stimulant misuse disorder. Oh but they don’t know I also am cross addicted to opiates now. But for the record what I listed is the official diagnosis of my local Gateway center. So but yea in the soft glow of this green light, I clearly see the mess that is me and my life. I wish I could have been normal once so that I could tell you all about how I just fell into this mess. But it seems there has always been mess. My mom first took me to a psychiatrist when I was 4. What business does a 4 year old have in a psychiatric office you may ask? Well apparently I was beating my head against brick walls almost knocking myself unconscious, biting myself drawing blood, and ripping my own hair out when I’d pitch temper tantrums. My question is how could I have been filled with such rage as a toddler? This same rage has accompanied me my entire life. Now 29 years old , if anything it seems, my rage has only amplified. I currently am out on bond. Well three different bonds. All violent charges pretty much. Stress consumes my waking thoughts. I don’t want to go to prison or county jail again. I’m still shocked by all the happenings myself. I’m not sure what evil has possessed me. But I feel so disassociated from my behaviors. Most times I feel like I’m just watching a horror movie while also staring and directing it at the same time. Crippled by anxiety, social anxiety and depression, I’m mostly alone as my people skills are pretty atrocious. I don’t know how to truly connect anymore. And when I find people I like or love it seems I push them away. Or scare them away. My entire family has withdrawn from me at this point. Anyone from the outside looking in labels me, or at least thus far is my experience. I’ve been labeled a piece of shit junkie. But if I could measure my tears in weight for you maybe hen you’d see or someone would see how much of a human being I am still. It wouldn’t change reality I’m sure but to be understood would be of paramount importance. My soul had been broken and I am a broken thing. The amount of sorrow my soul has swallowed has cost me any positive outlook that I could have ever had in life. Dark humor is a coping mechanism and I use it fairly frequently, although many find it more disturbing than humorous. Coincidentally, I find life more disturbing than humorous. How ironic right? That’s also a reoccurring theme in my life, irony. This green light perfectly illuminates the smoke billowing from my lit cigarette. I reflect on the many wishes I have for me and this life of mine. I hope for a better future. Filled with the sounds of my children’s laughter. I’ve lost both of my children due to my instability and criminal track record. But maybe a future exists where I stabilize and they can be a part of my life and I of theirs. The only real thing keeping me from just killing myself honestly, at this point, is hope and fear. I fear the next life may just be more miserable than this life has been thus far. I fear all the pain and sorrow have been for nothing. What if death just leads to darkness? Id rather stay under this green light with my depression and anxiety than to trust that there will be safety in the next life. Plus too much hope lives within me. I believe somehow someway all that has been lost will be returned. That things won’t always hurt so much. That I could truly be happy and make others as well. So but who knows the outcome? I sure don’t. All I know is I better try to get some sleep. Hope someone out there reads this and feels something. Cause I feel everything under this green light.
By Kayli Carter3 years ago in Psyche
Rats in my bra
So this video made me kind of famous for a bit, well I would probably call it infamous rather though. I walked into Pet Supplies and Plus with 3 baby rats in my bra. Yes, rats. The question most people would ask I guess is why? Well I was just trying to keep them warm I suppose. Plus I was scared that they would die if I left them alone that day so I just grabbed them and went about my errands. I just so happen to drop into Pet Supply and Plus to ask how to care for them. Apparently though I am just one rachet ass type of broad, to answer the question. I’m pretty sure I’m just a little lot hillbilly. Tomboyish. I ain’t scared to grab critters. Cause I honestly did not consider that the majority of civilization, naturally, are in general terrified and disgusted by rats. Dumbass me forgot that part. But the world was there to remind me how it felt about rats. If anyone wonders, at the time, I was in A.A. and knew a lot of people. And so a recovery friend of mine from a halfway house found 3 baby rats on a job site and the mama rat was no where to be found. So of course, I did what I thought was the right thing to do. I also was, at the time, about 6 months pregnant and guess you can say, instinctually altered. Oh and I thought it be awesome to have some really smart and interesting pet rats. Well but anyways, the original post on Facebook received 17 million views. Other repost on Facebook, and eventually YouTube got anywhere from the thousands to millions of views. It was on these videos that the comments just blasted away. That’s where my favorite term “rat titty bitch" came from. Last but not least it was inevitably featured on MTV's Ridiculousness. I was actually in jail when one of the officers came on to my room speaker and said I’d made it in life my video was on Ridiculousness. You see the jailers get a ginormous kick out of my video. Matter of fact, my whole hometown gets a huge kick off my video. I more than certainly will never live this down. People remind me all the time. We collectively laugh. I also think it is kind of hilarious yes. But for the most part it was completely humiliating. I unfortunately have made zero profit from this video. I'm not sure who or if there is, in fact, anyone I could talk to in order to get something from it monetarily speaking. But I feel like that amount of embarrassment definitely deserves some dollars. Hopefully some miraculous day comes and I see some money for the video. But until then I guess anyone and everyone should enjoy this video to the absolute fullest. So but also, if anyone wants to know, I did not keep the rats. They became total assholes. Seems like outside rats hate people just as much as people hate rats, coincidentally, but not half as much as I hate people. Those bastard rats never let me pet them. They just ate and hid from me and plotted their escape. I finally just gave up on trying to domesticate them and released them back into the wild. So but this has got to beat just about anyone’s most embarrassing moment. If you thought you were ever embarrassed just imagine being “rat titty bitch.” I hope whomever if anyone reads this is immensely entertained. I hope it puts a smile on your face. There is so much darkness in the world right now and if I can make over 17 million people laugh, I think I could say I accomplished something with my embarrassment. So hope you enjoyed this writing and I hope you enjoy the video. Thank you.
By Kayli Carter3 years ago in Confessions
Green Light
Bright and ever enveloping, a completely consuming light. Green is all i see. The thoughts that then flood in. "Did I do too much?" "Am I dying?" "What does this mean?" Then just as quick as it appeared, the mesmerizing green light disappears and I am once again left to my thoughts. I know i'm not fully aware. The amount of dope I use would have seasoned junkies confused and amazed. Although from outer appearances, I am seemingly a normal college aged woman. I am in fact though, a struggling addict. Track marks on my arms and neck. But my scarf hides my tattered neck and the bruises and wounds almost pass for normally gained bumps and bruises. I appear "normal." My state of mind is what and where the madness centers. This is where you could truly spot my abnormalities. I keep them carefully and logically filed though deep within my phyce and transmit only my brightest façade for the passersby people I find my self commonly engaging. As I last recall I was outside sitting in the grass, covered in blood, dirt and tears. Fully appreciating the moon's beauty. When the green light stole the spotlight. Not only did the green light consume my sense of sight, but with it came a sense of foreboding of ill things to come. I sensed within darkness. A darkness that even I, an addict in the throughs of desperation, could only just slightly sense. Then I vomit. The taste of shame tingles in my chest as the toxin's my body cant process decide to make their way out. I come to the quick conclusion that I must have been hallucinating. I had to get some sleep. I walk back into my house and despite the issues between my lover and I. I lay beside my love and drift into a dark and abysmal sleep. If only I knew things would never be the same after tonight.
By Kayli Carter3 years ago in Fiction