Toxic Masculinity is Killing Men, literally

What do you think of when you hear the word “man”? What kinds of images does it produce, what expectations, what preconceived notions. We have heard it all before “A man is someone who works blue collar or earns his money through the sweat of his brow.” or also “You can’t be a real man without the body of a real man”. Also we hear “Men should be leaders and heads of the house, and should be providers.”. (DISCLAIMER: I am expressing things that I have heard said about men, these statements do not necessarily represent my own personal beliefs on how a man should act. Furthermore, what is about to follow is not a fact for every single man, or even necessarily most men. What follows is simply a call to bring awareness to the very real and very important topic of men’s mental health.) Or how about this one, the classic, the ultimate measure of a man: “Real men don’t cry.” WHAT?!? Real men don’t cry. Let’s talk about that.

Growing up I consumed media such as He-man, G.I. Joe, and watched my fair share of wrestling and football. Now those were men! They had such power, such presence, such dominance over others. And you can bet that I never saw any of them cry. Because of this, and, to be honest, my dysfunctional home where I was not encouraged to speak my mind or say how I was feeling for fear of having my feelings discredited, I thought it was normal to bottle up my feelings and emotions and not cry at all. In fact, I don't cry to this day because of my upbringing, though don’t get me confused; I express my emotions in a different way, through poetry, and will talk about how I am feeling with the right people at the right time. But it leaves me curious as to why men feel like they have to be tough all the time.

Many factors can influence a man’s decision to keep his feelings and emotions inside. Chief among these is that he feels as though it is his job to be tough all the time. Call it toxic masculinity, call it being hardened, call it whatever you want to, but what it is, without a doubt, is dangerous. It is dangerous because it is simply not true, and lies kill. Did you know that in 2019, 3.63% more men than women committed suicide (https://afsp.org/suicide-statistics/). This is a dangerous time for men as they are ever more feeding into the stigma that men do not cry, and that they cannot talk about their feelings or appear weak in any way. That is simply not the case.

Men, let me ask you something. How often do you cry? Chances are if you are like most men, you cry maybe a few times a year, but you definitely do not let your wife or significant other see you put on the waterworks. Now let me ask you this: How often do you feel the urge to cry? My bet is that it is a lot more often. Yet you keep your feelings inside, because that is what society expects of you. It’s what is required of you as a guy. You need to know that is not the case. Indeed that is the reason I am writing this in the first place...so that you and everyone else knows what makes a true man.

People, men are human too. What, you think just because we are expected to act and be a certain way that we have no emotions? That is not true at all. We feel....and we feel things all the time. We are people, just like any female out there. And it is about time that you all pay close attention to the men in your life. Your big, macho, seen-it-all boyfriend or husband is most likely, according to statistics, planning his suicide if he never talks about his feelings. It doesn’t matter the background that a guy comes from, we all deal with so much crap on a daily basis. In fact, I would go so far to say that because we have put these standards on men they are even more stressed and pressured than women are. Not taking time to probe into a man’s feelings and thoughts is what is killing him. Even if he doesn’t take his own life, the pressure of all those feelings will continue to build up until the stress gets too great and he has a heart attack. You wonder why men have a far greater chance of heart attacks and dying from them than women do? Because they hold onto their trauma, their stress, their grudges, and their feelings.

This is all well and good you may say, but Brandon, I have tried talking to my boyfriend or husband about their emotions and problems, and they won’t open up to me. If that is the case then you are in luck because there is a very simple solution: Show him that he can be vulnerable around you. Ladies, men are constantly trying to fit the expectation that society says that you expect of him. He will not appear vulnerable to you unless he knows it is okay. And he may have heard that it's okay for men to cry, but he needs to hear it from your own mouth AND he needs to see that you really do care about hearing his feelings without judging him or seeing him as less of a “man”. Men’s mental health is just such a huge problem, but one by one, you ladies have the power to break the societal expectation put on your man and quite possibly save his life. Because you never know what a person is going through that they are not willing to share with you, even if you are partners. And to all the men that are reading this, it is okay for you to let others see your emotional side.

So please, share this article with all the men in your life, and men, share this article with the women in your life...together, we can make men tough again....the true measure of might being the ability to let ourselves be vulnerable. Thank you for your time, and have a wonderful day everyone.