Today I Walked

I walked down the street today. It should have been easy. I do it all the time. It’s a simple thing walking down the street, and sometimes we take it for granted. Most days, it’s uneventful, calm, pleasant even but today was not one of those days.

Today I walked down the street and tried my hardest to clear my mind. I wanted to walk freely among the people, to go about my day just as they were. I often enjoy people watching because it comforts me to see others going about their lives and witness connections being made. I enjoy seeing the smiles on people’s faces, and it pains me to see someone struggle, someone who looks down or sad. Perhaps it reminds me too much of myself and the pain and sadness I’ve often felt. I know what it’s like to feel powerless. To feel alone and lost, but I am not in that place anymore. But even though I have left a lot of that pain behind, I still carry one thing with me.

Today I walked down the street, and I struggled to focus on anything. My thoughts wandered back and forth while the sunshine tried to soothe me, and the occasional friendly face tried to lift my spirits, but I always circled back to it. It was like a little dark cloud lingering in the sky, following my every move.

I finally arrived at the gym, my intended destination, but it was closed and wouldn’t open again for a couple of hours. “So what now?” I thought. And then, as if on cue, my whirling brain starts flooding my consciousness with questions. “Do I sit here and wait? What would I do to pass the time? My Internet isn’t working, so I can’t even use my phone to distract myself from my thoughts” (Something people like me often do when we feel uncomfortable or unsure of things). “Maybe I should go home and come back later? But would I even bother to come back? I don’t have the energy for the gym anyway. Perhaps I stay home and rest? But what would I do in my apartment all alone to pass the time? It’s not exactly a day well spent.” I stood there awkwardly frozen while a multitude of thoughts consumed my mind. I began wandering the streets aimlessly, trying to force myself into action. I continued wrestling with the different options. I felt lost and frustrated.

All I did was go for a walk to a place I had been before, but somehow, even though I knew where I was, I felt lost. It should have been so simple, walking to the gym, doing my workout and walking home again. It isn’t exactly complicated. So how did I end up here like this?

Anxiety.

Anxiety has the annoying habit of turning the most mundane and ordinary tasks into confusing and stressful moments. Trying to make what is to most people a straightforward, simple decision that requires little to no thought at all creates stress and tension as you tangle with the negative fallout of your anxious mind. I am used to it now, though. It can be hard not having the answers to all the questions your anxiety is throwing at you, so instead, I decided not to answer them.

Today I’m just going to walk and see where life takes me. I don’t need to have any answers. Today may not have turned out as planned, but that’s ok. Today is an off day, but tomorrow doesn’t have to be.

So today, I walked, and that’s enough.