This Is What It's Like to Have Severe Anxiety

I've always had mild anxiety since I was a kid, I'd say since at least around age 13/14. It really didn't start getting bad til I was in my early 20's though. I was going through a really bad divorce around 23-24 when the panic attacks started to happen. My ex husband was really abusive. Emotionally, physically, you name it. He was very controlling and wouldn't even let me get my driver's license. He would threaten to wreck the truck with me in the passenger seat constantly. Always swerving and jerking the car, ready to kill us both. I didn't actually even get my driver's license 'til I was 25. I struggled with panic attacks just learning how to drive because of the way my ex was while I was in the car. To this day, driving gives me extreme anxiety.

After we divorced, I was okay for a little bit. I went through a party phase, decompressing from all the stress of it. I slept on friends' couches with my son until my sister and I got an apartment together.

A little over a year passed and I met a guy and we really hit it off. About 6 months later, I found out I was pregnant again. I was super excited. After my second son was born, I became dead set on being the perfect mother. I was out to prove something. I was being harassed by my ex husband during that time and even though I knew the things he was saying weren't true, it still got to me and made me even more anxiety ridden than I already was with a newborn again. Some might say I had/have a form of PPA (Postpartum Anxiety.) I think honestly, it was more just PTSD and anxiety from my relationship with my ex. Maybe some PPA thrown in there...

My second born is 2 years old now. Since he was born, I can count on 1 hand the number of times I have personally gone out and had a good time. I cause myself my anxiety. I get overwhelmed but refuse to ask for help because I think I'm far more qualified to care for my toddler than anyone else. I take the burden of caring for his needs entirely.

The few times I've been out without him, I've felt incredibly uneasy and can't enjoy myself or focus at all. I feel like I'm failing as a parent if I take time for myself.

Anxiety to me is a friend asking me to go out but myself coming up with an excuse to not go out. As much as I would love to go out, the thought of having to find a sitter and get dressed to go out and the time it takes sounds instantly exhausting. I sit there and think about if I'll even be able to have a good time and enjoy myself and realize I probably won't so I won't even bother with going.

Anxiety to me is myself getting dizzy at the thought of driving with my 2-year-old in the car and whether not he's going to have a crying fit and if I'm going to be able to keep it together long enough to get where we're going, so I just don't drive.

It's me being overwhelmed at the fact that I have so much on my plate that I just need a break, a vacation, and not being able to afford one and how this is just my life now.

Anxiety to me is not even wanting to take a walk around the neighborhood because I hate living so close to people I don't know and feeling like their staring at me so i don't even bother getting out of the house very much.

Anxiety to me is getting so overwhelmed by the smallest stressors that I snap at whoever is closest to me because there's so much going on I can't think .

Anxiety to me is wanting to do something productive and fun with my kids but not having the mental or physical energy to even do that.

Anxiety doesn't always get the best of me. Some days, I actually feel like my old self. I love those days.

On days where it's bad, I'll have panic attacks just going to sleep at night or sometimes upon waking up and usually for no particular reason.

Mediation helps keep it to a minimum. So does exercise. So many people always suggest I take Xanax or something else. I hate those. I hate the way those kinds of pills make me feel. They leave you feeling hungover usually and that's a crappy feeling. I'd rather just make friends with my anxiety than deal with that extra stuff.

Living with chronic anxiety and panic attacks is difficult but it can be managed. You have to take it one day at a time and forgive yourself when it becomes too much and just know that it's not always going to feel this way, things will get better.