I know. You're embarrassed. You never thought it would come to this. I get it, believe me. You thought the rumors about him weren't true. That "you know how women lie because a guy doesn't want them anymore. They make up all sorts of stuff." You thought he would never raise a hand to you. Surely not, right?
I've always had mild anxiety since I was a kid, I'd say since at least around age 13/14. It really didn't start getting bad til I was in my early 20's though. I was going through a really bad divorce around 23-24 when the panic attacks started to happen. My ex husband was really abusive. Emotionally, physically, you name it. He was very controlling and wouldn't even let me get my driver's license. He would threaten to wreck the truck with me in the passenger seat constantly. Always swerving and jerking the car, ready to kill us both. I didn't actually even get my driver's license 'til I was 25. I struggled with panic attacks just learning how to drive because of the way my ex was while I was in the car. To this day, driving gives me extreme anxiety.
Every year, Mother's Day rolls around and ever since I was a little kid, I resented it. From an early age, I'd say ever since kindergarten, I realized that my mom was a piece of shit.