I've never had very much... I won't lie about that, but I've always found ways to be at least a little happy. From a young age, I was always different, always made fun of for my weight, how I was as a person... even how I never really could speak or perform like I wanted to. As a young child, I got along better with adults than kids my age. My first real best friend was a sixth grader when I was in first grade. I haven't ever had more than one or two close friends, and I always picked the ones more liable to move or find a way to leave me right when it hurt the most. Then, my family started leaving me, too. First was my grandparents which was a natural timing; I'd never really thought much on it until I soon lost my father as well. I was 12 and had only had one boyfriend. Well, after losing my dad, it seemed like more and more of my peers realized I would be a soft target. I was made fun of relentlessly to the point that going to a different high school than most of them was the best part of getting older.
Once in high school, the bullying got worse, and I too bullied someone I thought was weaker than me, mostly because bullying her gave me the gift of inclusion with all the others who hated her for her mental disability. It got to the point where we, as a group, were blamed for her falling down the stairs. But after that, the focus shifted back to me as a target. Even one of my best friends turned on me... and I still hung out with her after that. A lot of the people I hung out with treated me like crap, but I had to be with a group or I would only get more paranoid. I hated being alone at school, but that's all I wanted at home, I still only want to be left alone when I am home. After I graduated, I had a rough time, couldn't even afford community college since we had to move out of the apartment we lived in since I was 11 years old. It hurt to not even have a chance to better myself or find my people... I still feel like that, too. I have more friends now, but I've always been in situations where I have barely enough and all I want is a little more. Enough to be happy and actually try to get into a better life. I'm not expecting more money or a car to just fall into my lap, but I'm at a stalemate with how things are coming at me. Well, now I have almost no self-esteem, depression, anxiety, and I'm always pretty much broke and on the verge of losing my place to live or my ride to work. Every job I've had over the last seven years has only made the anxiety and depression worse... especially the customer service jobs.
Lately I've been having crippling panic attacks in the middle of work with little to no visible trigger. I have been having insomnia and eating disorder issues as well, including binge eating... I hate myself sometimes and I always think, "At least I can try harder tomorrow to not do this," and it never works. I can't even go to a psychologist because I never have $30 to spare on myself. I'm always worried about making my significant other happy first. I don't care if I'm unhappy as long as he isn't it seems.
I need help, in too many ways to count. It hurts to even write this because I've always bottled it up and kept busy with a stupid hobby to keep myself from feeling that hurt all the time. I have tried to be positive, I help others when I can, but it's getting to where I'm not much better off. I am losing my mind over how all I want to do is watch Netflix or eat because it's a numbing or comforting thing for me. I have almost nothing for food next week, and I am going to possibly lose more if something doesn't happen soon. I truly wish for help... I know it seems like typing this out is a pointless practice, but in taking inventory like this, I can remind myself that there is a chance someone can see and understand the same pain.