There She Was.

There she was, so innocent and new to the world but barely new to me, the walls where a fresh and crisp white and the rain was rolling down the windows. But in her peaceful bliss, stretching her little toes and nimble fingers. So use to her womb, her comfort and safety is now placed within my arms. She is warm and soft and I am looking down at her admiring her every single muscle she stretches. I have never felt prouder. Everything I have and everything she will receive will be purely out of my love and safety from my heart and soul.

Overwhelmed, I cried and cried till my thoughts were numb and my body felt weak. As if there is a hole in my chest, it feels like I cant breath. I laid her down after telling her she is safe and everything will be okay, regrettably I walked out of the room. As I heard her little voice demanding desperately with her screams drilling through my ears that she'd be put back into my arms again, begging me to return to her. I can’t stay with her, I have to go, screams were bouncing off the walls but slowly getting quieter as I pace faster and faster down the corridors with glistening floors and the stench of hand sanitizer.

My eyes snapped open, rain rolling down the windows. My heart is racing and my body feels weak, I refuse to move but I’m in desperate need to be held. I am 19 now; I am not a baby anymore but I need someone to tell me I’m safe and everything will be okay, Instead of re-repeating these bullshit dreams. I wish time travel were actually possible, I would return to the day I was born. I sit up in my bed and start to realize where I am. My skin starts to tingle from the wounds I created on my thighs, I have only covered them with tissue and held in place with tape I sit up in my bed and pull my shorts down, hesitant to see what I did last night.

The blood has seeped through the tissue and I can feel deep splits in my skin. I peal back the tape and tissue with caution in case it’s stuck against any of the dry blood underneath. After all that crying I still manage to have enough energy to assist the battle wounds I created. After I remove the dried out tissue to see the massacre underneath, I run my fingers softly against the outlines of the openings. I sit here for minutes that feel like hours analyzing each tear on my skin and each blooded stain. I don’t regret it, not a single one, actually, looking at the traces of blood located on the tissue that was once a bandage (now discarded on my bedroom floor), my bed, the faint stains on my shorts, my fingers and the cuts gives me the sudden sickening rush, tormenting, bulling, driving me. My heart starts to pound and my brain beings to race. And now I cannot breath, every fibre of my being feels like it is on fire. I feel lost and tears fall harder. My arms flop like a fish as if my muscles have dissolved into nothing.

5 brothers and 1 sister in my mums house but I’m neglecting their existence. Noises of their mayhem, running riot in the house. Vibrating the staircase through the walls and under my bedroom. This has not changed the noises in my head. Until I here HIM finally getting out of bed and walking around hearing the floors and doors creek open and closed. I hate HIM! He did this he made these wounds. Flash backs of that bully come rushing back to the pain in my cuts and the throbbing in my temple. I feel trapped and scared and my heart races even faster and I can’t hold onto a thought fast enough before another invades my mind.

Unable to explain how I ended up in the bathroom gasping for air I start smashing open the plastic off of another razor. Desperately ripping out the thin and delicate blades with my fingers and teeth. I push myself against the bathroom door, holding it shut and as I sit there, I proceed to lift up my shorts with tears in my eyes, disabling my sight I place the tip of the blade onto my skin, dragging it harder and firmer with each carving. My hands are sweaty, my head hurts, blood is rolling down my thighs and I can finally close my eyes and slowly exhale. For a moment I really thought things were going to be okay.