There's Always A Catch

Nothing in this life is free.

Go to college, they said ( and be strapped with a student loan).

Exercise, they said ( and pay them gym dues).

Eat your veggies and buy that damn organic produce.

I am coming up on 24 years sober from drugs and alcohol.

I’ve been sober for longer than I drank, and I’ve gained a lot (like my life) but I think I have lost a lot too. I’ve missed out on some “fun” that I’ve seen others having.

I’ve struggled to feel my feelings, deal with my traumas, show up and be a sober person a lot of the time.

It hasn’t always been easy. At all.

Right now, I’m struggling.

I am having some growing pains.

I am learning that the grass is not always greener on the other side. I am learning that a new outfit won’t make me happy. I am learning that I am different from others. I am learning that I am extremely vulnerable and for the first time in a long time I fear for my mental health.

I worry about my sobriety. I worry about getting older. I am worried about this pandemic and I am just plain worried.

I know it’s normal to not always feel happy and to have some anxiety, but I am afraid mine is out of control.

I am struggling with personal relationships. I am struggling with being hopeful about the future and I am just plain struggling.

I realize for all the people that are in and around my life, I have no one to talk to. I don’t have a parent or a sibling. I don’t have super supportive friends or family. I have a spouse, but he’s heard it all.

I need some new friends.

I need some new people in my life.

How do we go about finding community?

I joined this motivation challenge that was free and online for one week and it was really insightful and beneficial, but it ended today and now it costs money to continue.

For me, a lot that seems to hold me back from doing things I want to is money.

I know that I am more fortunate than many and I should feel grateful for all that I do have.

I do feel like the hustle to make a buck gets old though and am striving for new ways to feel content without purchases or wishing I had a trip to take.

I do lack hope for the future and feel an impending doom when I think about it. These times are scary for many and it can feel dark out here for sure.

I don’t want to be a Debby Downer, but I have felt quite down. I know many celebrities struggle with depression, even Kristen Bell and Chrissy Tiegen who have been upfront about their struggles.

I know Glennon Doyle talks about taking meds and that she wouldn’t be here without them, but I feel all sorts of shame and stubbornness when I think about swallowing a pill that might help me to feel better and improve my mood.

Do you lack enjoyment in the day-to-day? YES, 100 times yes. Do you find little pleasure in activities you used to enjoy? YES, how did you know?

I am here to say for me and for you that it’s okay to seek help. It’s okay to ask for it and if no one answers it’s okay to shout for it!!

It can be scary and confusing and humbling, but we are worth it and when we are back in our right minds we will be so thankful we did.

We are needed. We are necessary. We are worthy and loved and all that shit that feels empty right now.

Sending so many hugs from my hopeless, socially anxious, miserable self to you all.

xoxo